10 Truisms That Aren’t True

By on Jul 20, 2010 in SM Shrake | 8 Comments

SM Shrake“No one will believe in you if you don’t believe in yourself.” Not true. I don’t believe in myself, never have, never will. But plenty of other people have chosen to believe in me just the same: Done things for me in my career, given me opportunities. So… what can I say? This one is just a really poorly thought-out lie.

“The minute you stop looking, that is when you will find the love of your life.” Don’t make me laugh. I completely gave up — like, in my heart of hearts I know it’s over for me — months and months ago and nothing has happened in my love life since, and I’ve got no leads for the foreseeable future.

“Money can’t buy happiness.” <—Well-known lie. So absurd that no comment is required.

“Getting there is half the fun.” Actually, getting there means: Missed trains, lost luggage, smelly and/or loud people next to you on the bus, forgotten bottle of heart medicine, expensive tickets, long layovers, delayed flights, plane crashes, hijackings, train crashes and/or heists, car crashes, all of them potentially fatal.

“Breaking up is hard to do.” No it’s not. You just text ’em and say, “U R not my BF/GF anymore.” Easy.

“The customer is always right.” Not so in: Philadelphia; Eastern Europe; any DMV or Post Office; the great, now-defunct Cafe Riche in D.C. (where the owner, who wore a turban made of a kitchen towel, would throw you out if he didn’t like how you looked), the list goes on and on.

“A stranger’s just a friend you’ve never met.” What?! This one is just morally reprehensible. Strangers are dirty; they’re not like us. That is why they are dangerous. Just ask all the people who’ve been murdered (or worse) by strangers! Oops, they can’t talk anymore, because they talked to strangers, a.k.a. their “friends.”

“Only the good die young.” Tell that to Adolf Hitler, who died at the relatively young age of 56.

“Everybody talks about the weather, but no one does anything about it.” When Mark Twain originally said this, it was quite the bon mot. But that was about 100 years before global warming. Nowadays we can take an active part in the weather by burning lots of fossil fuels. Turns out cars will kill us all! Dead planet walking!

“It is what it is.” No, it’s not. It is something different. I don’t know who made up this empty tautology, but here’s what it is: Stupid and not worth saying.

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  • Em

    Love! although I'm not sure I agree with all of them.

  • http://twitter.com/JessicaJernigan JessicaJernigan

    How about this one, beloved by retailers advertising a sale, “The more you spend, the more you save!” No. The more you spend, the more you spend.

    And, yes: Customers are idiots.

  • http://twitter.com/JessicaJernigan JessicaJernigan

    Oh, and: “Pretty is as pretty does.” Please. This is just something ugly people say to make themselves feel better. We all know that good-looking people can get away with being complete assholes.

  • Kay

    Beloved by hippies everwhere; “It's all gooooooood.”

    No. It's. Not.

  • usedwigs

    “You Can't Take it with You!” Bullshit! Wait til you see what I already have in my sarcophagus. (hint: it's candy)

  • Sammy

    “The grass is always greener on the other side.”

    Not always true. I live next to a parking lot.

  • steve h.

    I always remember this quote from a boozy Eddie Van Halen interviewed on FM radio in the late 80's…
    “No, money can't buy happiness, but it can buy a boat big enough to cruise up right along side happiness.”

  • steve h.

    I always remember this quote from a boozy Eddie Van Halen interviewed on FM radio in the late 80′s…
    “No, money can’t buy happiness, but it can buy a boat big enough to cruise up right along side happiness.”