10 Ways to Clear a Bathroom

By on Jan 21, 2010 in Lists | 14 Comments

SM ShrakeDon’t you hate being forced to use public bathrooms? It’s twenty f*cking ten (20f*cking10), can we finally be given some human dignity instead of being asked to just expose ourselves like animals? Stalls are for cattle, not people. Whose idea were group bathrooms? Some perverted Nazi architect’s?

Logical question: Do we let strangers hang out in our bathrooms at home while we’re in there? I don’t know about you, but I don’t. So why am I expected to share my private business with the world when I’m at the mall? Or work? There, it’s even worse because it’s not even strangers. How am I supposed to look at my boss in the eyes after hearing him going number two? How?

Until we as a society achieve individual-bathroom rights, here are 10 simple, easy-to-remember things to yell over the stall wall at other people to get them out of a public bathroom so you can have some privacy.

1. (Through megaphone) “You do not have permission to use this bathroom. YOU ARE TRESPASSING! GET OUT!”

2. “LOITERING IS ILLEGAL! I’m calling the police if you don’t get your DUMB M*THERF*CKING ASS OUT THIS BATHROOM!”

3. “Are they unloading a f*cking tour bus into this bathroom? Or a clown car, or what? ALL OF YOU GET OUT RIGHT NOW!”

4. “Hey! Are you some kind of a f*cking weirdo who likes to listen to the sounds of other people going B.M.? GET OUT OF HERE, WEIRDO!”

5. “Are you giving yourself a f*cking sponge bath in that sink? LEAVE!”

6. “How long is it going to take you to dry off your hands? I’ve seen old people f*ck faster than this! LEAVE NOW!”

7. “You look as good as you’re gonna look. MOVE AWAY FROM THE MIRROR AND GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE!”

8. “Really? There’s five open stalls and you chose the one right next to the one someone’s using? Larry Craig, is that you? COME OUT! WAIT, I MEAN… GET OUT!”

9. “Hey, reading-on-the-toilet guy (/gal)! You’ve been in here long enough to write a f*cking book. GET OUT RIGHT NOW!”

10. “Oh my God! There’s a ‘dirty bomb’ about to go off in my stall! RUN FOR COVER!”

Read more SM SHRAKE at You Wanna Know What? and The Shrake-tionary.

TAGS: • • •

  • hellscowgirl

    I know a certain mutual friend who actually yelled at a woman to get out of a public bathroom in college (it was winter and she was spending a looooong time putting her coat, hat, gloves, scarf, earmuffs, etc. back on)

  • hellscowgirl

    I know a certain mutual friend who actually yelled at a woman to get out of a public bathroom in college (it was winter and she was spending a looooong time putting her coat, hat, gloves, scarf, earmuffs, etc. back on)

  • http://www.spot43.com/ Sarah

    OMG – we have a specific bathroom at job that never has a light on over it.. and it is known as the “shame stall”. Its only for the people going #2. I suggest we start building multiple bathrooms JUST for #2. They make men and women – why not add a #2 only!

    Do men really spend as much time washing their hands/primping as women? Shocking!

  • http://www.spot43.com Sarah

    OMG – we have a specific bathroom at job that never has a light on over it.. and it is known as the “shame stall”. Its only for the people going #2. I suggest we start building multiple bathrooms JUST for #2. They make men and women – why not add a #2 only!

    Do men really spend as much time washing their hands/primping as women? Shocking!

  • Jules

    I used to put the “Closed for Cleaning” sign in front of the bathroom door at work. Pooing at work is the worst.

  • Jules

    I used to put the “Closed for Cleaning” sign in front of the bathroom door at work. Pooing at work is the worst.

  • http://usedwigs.com/ Jeff

    You certainly have a lot of f-bombs to pick up. Please put on a Hazmat suit and grab a bullhorn and record your next bathroom visit.

  • http://usedwigs.com Jeff

    You certainly have a lot of f-bombs to pick up. Please put on a Hazmat suit and grab a bullhorn and record your next bathroom visit.

  • Paul

    I like it when people take craps at bars. I mean little divey bars with tiny dirty bathrooms where the stall door doesn’t even lock properly.

  • Paul

    I like it when people take craps at bars. I mean little divey bars with tiny dirty bathrooms where the stall door doesn’t even lock properly.

  • Nancy

    So are you proposing everyone gets their own porta-john? at least it’s private.

  • Nancy

    So are you proposing everyone gets their own porta-john? at least it’s private.

  • http://www.callfresh.com Jmarfish

    How about screaming “I can’t hold it”!!!

  • AHHH

    I got so fucking tired of waiting for this chick to get the hell out of the bathroom I’m looking up ways to make her GTFO. I cant go when someone’s listening!