13 Things Never to Do or Be

As the Summer of Death winds down, I thought I would try out for Andy Rooney’s job on 60 Minutes, in case it should… become available. So: Here are some gripes, ones I don’t think Andy has touched yet in his 60-year career on the show…

People who clap their hands and rock back and forth when they laugh.

People who have long, loud conversations with each other in the public bathroom.

Performers/famous people who, while standing onstage receiving applause, applaud back at the audience.

The mandatory use of “From… comes” sentences in every trailer and preview. “From the [director/creator/mind] of [X] comes [Y]…”

Bike-shop guys. The condescending way they treat customers, especially ones that don’t know much about bikes. Look, I don’t care about how bikes work, that’s why I brought the bike to you, “dude.” End of conversation.

Making me say my order more than once at Starbuck’s. It happens when the workers are new/confused/disorganized and not following a production line model. So, the drink maker asks me what I’m having, and starts to make it, then the cashier walks up and asks what I had so she can ring me up. NO.

Thank-you emails. I.e., I send you back something I’ve completed for you at work, totally routine/ho-hum/whatevs, and you send me a little email that says “Thanks! ”. I have to open it, in case you’re telling me something is amiss. But no, it just says “Thanks! ”. Well, you just wasted two seconds of my time that I’ll never get back. Thank YOU.

When journalists insist on using aggravating, thesaurus-smelling synonyms for “eat” and “drink,” to wit: “nibble,” “munch,” “sip,” “gulp.” “Obama gnawed on nuts and quaffed a beer…” “At the happy hour, diners noshed on the yummy appetizers while slurping splendid cocktails…” Hands up! Drop the thesaurus, amateur. Just write “eat” and “drink.”

People who disregard my choice of channel for our communications. Channel-jumpers, if you will. If I send you an email, do not pick up the phone and call me to respond. And vice versa. If I call you on the telephone, that is a big honor for you. And it means I want to talk to you right now. Do not send me an email saying you got my message. Stay in the channel.

People who don’t know how to use a city sidewalk. Rule 1: Don’t take up the whole sidewalk with your fat tourist family. Walk in a single-file line. More Rules: Think of it as a roadway (although you probably don’t know how to drive either). Stay in the right “lane” and I will pass you on the left. Don’t “tailgate” me, it makes me think you’re going to mug me. Don’t get in front of me and slow down.

Headline writers addicted to plays-on-words, e.g., “Bonfire of the Profanities,” “Days of Swine Flu and Roses,” “Life Imitates Fart”—especially when there is no valid connection between the original thing being punned and the subject matter of the article (i.e., Tom Wolfe is not involved: The story is about a school speech code controversy.) Bonus peeve points for when every single headline in a magazine issue or newspaper edition is a pun.

People who wait in the line at the post office just to buy stamps. Look, the only reason I go to the P.O. is if I have some package that’s too big to drop in a mailbox, and it KILLS me to stand in lines. YOU ARE KILLING ME. Stamps you can get on your own time, at the grocery store or at the stamp-dispensing automat right over there, it doesn’t require a live person to place them in your hand, and take your little personal check that took you 5 minutes to write out, and chat with you about cats.

People who don’t dress appropriately for funerals. Dark suit and tie for a man, black dress for a woman. No shirt, no shoes, no service.

Read more SM SHRAKE at You Wanna Know What? and The Shrake-tionary.

TAGS: Andy Rooney • Barack Obama • Pet Peeves • Starbucks • Tom Wolfe