15 Rules for Facebook (R.I.P.)

We all know in our hearts that Facebook is “over,” so as a kind of nostalgia I wanted to post some rules I made up a while ago for those who were just discovering the ’Book. I hope something replaces Facebook soon so life can have meaning again. New thing, please! Thank you. Meanwhile:

1. No boring status updates. Let’s use a positive example that my friend from South Carolina sent me, posted by a friend of his back home: “Tracy M is getting ready to go take one of my friends that was beaten by her ex boyfriend back to the doctor and to the Sheriff’s Department. 11m ago.” THAT is not a boring status update. Get the picture?

2. When tagging photos, practice the Golden Rule: Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. If you tag a picture where I look as fat and old as I actually am, I’m just gonna de-tag myself anyway, and for good measure I will find the worst picture I can of you and tag you in the middle of the night so it’s up there for several hours for your friends in different time zones to gawk at before you get to de-tag it.

3. If you are a stranger requesting to be friends with me, at least send me a Facemail^SMS (<- I made this word up. Pay up, Facebook) giving me some brief reason WHY you want to be friends. It can be very simple, like, “You’re hot.” Or it can be more involved, like, “Our mothers went to kindergarten together back in the old country, but they lost touch over the years and now I’ve found you on Facebook. Plus, you’re hot.” Just give me something to justify it.

4. Related: It’s not polite to ask someone flat out “Who are you?” because it could be that you’re forgetting someone you actually did know quite well at one time, and it will hurt their feelings. I’ve been on both ends of the question and it was not pretty.

5. Under no circumstances is it okay for you to put a picture of your kid up as your own profile picture. We know, you lost your own identity when you had a kid, but please, it’s embarrassing for everyone when you make it that plain. Feel free to put your kid’s pics in a clearly marked album like “My Spawn: The First 500 Pics” or something, so I have the option to ignore it.

6. Don’t think that you can become a writer through Facebook apps like “Note.” You are not a real writer for a reason: Because no one will publish you. Example: My ex-coworker who posted a Note called “Why Am I Such an A**hole?” in which she pondered aloud, for everyone to see, the reasons she considers most black people to be “n*ggers.” Letting everyone “publish” whatever they want online like this was not God’s plan for His children.

7. If you want to defriend someone, be an adult about it and cop to it when they eventually figure out they lost you. Don’t claim it was a technical glitch. Just admit you were drunk defriending^SMS or you just aren’t that into me. It’s okay. In the real world, people defriend.

8. When you receive an invitation to an event, and you can’t/don’t want to go, just don’t go. Or send the inviter a personal Facemail. Do not post a detailed description of your fabulous alternative plans on the Discussion Board of the event. “I’d love to come, but the love of my life and I are impulsively going on a last-minute weekend jaunt to Paris!!! Several of our celebrity friends are gonna throw a party there in our honor. See you when we get back?” STFU. No one cares what you are doing. Also, stop lying.

9. “Wall” means public-facing wall: In other words, everyone can see it (unless you close it off somehow, but you’re not smart enough to do that). Therefore, I would appreciate it if you save personal info such as my new phone number or questions like “Hey, Shrake! HOW ARE YOU? Is your bed still broken? LOL” for private Facemail. Thanks.

10. Is it asking too much for you to make your Event “secret” so those of us who are not invited can’t tell you’re having a party and didn’t invite us? The option is clearly marked when you build your Event.

11. Take some care when selecting people to invite to groups you’ve joined. Ask yourself whether Shrake really cares about a local school board candidate in Kansas, etc. WWSMSD? Would he join this group anyway if I didn’t suggest it? No? Do I want to waste valuable seconds of his time by inviting him?

12. Never invite me on to any of your lame apps, like “X has invited you to learn how to make the perfect smoothie!” Period. I will defriend your ass immediately with extreme prejudice.

13. Put your job title. Just do it. Like all of us, I am on the make, and I want to use the ’Book for more than social networking. You can be vague about exactly where you work, as I am, because a while back I was afraid of being assassinated at my workplace by rabid blog commenters. But at least list your job function, for heaven’s sake. Barista, sanitation engineer, party promoter… whatever it is you people do, no matter how dull, I still need to know.

14. Related: If you are a long-lost friend reconnecting with me through Facebook, please don’t ask, “So, whatcha been doing these last 15 years?” It’s all right there, in excruciating detail. With photos. So, check out my profile first, then ask targeted questions and I will try to answer them in the order in which they were received.

15. When you’ve met that special someone, or even if you’ve been with that special someone for 20 years, resist the urge to make it known through your Relationship Status. Because things change. And unless you know how to click the option for not announcing to the world “X is no longer listed as in a relationship” (is anything sadder?), you’re not only putting your business on the street, your face will appear on the Schadenfreude milk carton. They’re all gonna laugh at you.

Read more SM SHRAKE at You Wanna Know What? and The Shrake-tionary.