Welcome to the inaugural Jeff Tweety Awards! You see my name is “Jeff” and these are “Tweets” and there’s this famous guy named… oh never mind, let’s just call them The Tweeties™.
After thoroughly* reading and digesting every tweet posted by every human person this past year, I have compiled the following list of funny tweets that just happen to fit perfectly in my predetermined Twitter categories. Be a sport and follow all of these extremely funny and super deserving Tweetie™ award winners. Please note, there are very few political tweets here because we’re already stressed the fuck out. I love you all. Fight the power. Never give up. Happy New Year.
* I made this list in one night while simultaneously drinking wine, watching my favorite show “Bitchin’ Rides” and folding laundry. Apologies for the butt-loads of great tweets I missed.
And The Tweetie™ Goes to…
Best Looking Tweet
6 minutes after walking into Sephora pic.twitter.com/5ah3bOmDJs
— Karen Kilgariff (@KarenKilgariff) May 14, 2016
Most Combative Tweet
This election has finally pushed me too far. I'm in a Facebook argument with someone named Ashli
— Bridger Winegar (@bridger_w) October 8, 2016
Best Celebrity Tweet
lena dunham is the white girl taking your fitted cap off & putting it on her head at a party
— alex english (@alex3nglish) September 3, 2016
Best Celebrity Mannequin Challenge Tweet
"Just do some normal, natural group photo posing." pic.twitter.com/khdvPTV5aa
— Arkansas Fred (@ArkansasFred) September 19, 2016
Best Parenting Tweet
[teaching my baby how to crawl]
okay see just do it like i am whoa yeah that's pretty hard let's take a break
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) January 10, 2016
Best Worst Parenting Tweet
Parents who name their kid "Jayden", is this a game to you?
— Ashley Friedman (@AshFrieds) January 4, 2016
"Let's make whoopi" -Whoopi Goldberg's parents
— Megan Pettit (@meganshpettit) January 21, 2016
Maybe The Funniest Tweet Ever Tweet
When another boy has a balloon pic.twitter.com/y1v1iy2CYp
— Daniel Kibblesmith❄️ (@kibblesmith) October 9, 2016
Most Magical Tweet
Organized magicians have to-do lists and ta-da lists.
— Brandon Scott Wolf (@BrandonEsWolf) January 5, 2016
Best State of The Nation Tweet
It's a great time to be alive if you're dumb and mean
— Andy Richter (@AndyRichter) December 6, 2016
Most Shocking Confessional Tweet
in 8th grade, my teacher made us enter a poetry contest and I submitted the lyrics to a bjork song and they published it in the local paper
— Sam (@SamuelMoen) July 22, 2016
Best Bowie Tweet
I finally cried. Starman did it. Bowie's death managed to make me do what my own dad's didn't. Sorry, dad, should've written Starman.
— Jim (@jgrammond) January 11, 2016
Best Prince Tweet
USING ONLY THE SOUND OF HIS VOICE AND A PIANO, PRINCE CAUSES A SENSATION BY LEVITATING A WOMAN 4 FEET IN THE AIR!!! pic.twitter.com/Z7BzDpF23y
— Prince (@prince) March 10, 2016
Best Worst Question Tweet
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it's 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
— Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin) November 3, 2016
Best Northwestern Tweet
It snowed in Portland today, which means I only saw like 4 unicyclists 🙁
— R McG (@RussMcGarry) January 4, 2016
Best Midwestern Tweet
Welcome to Indiana. We have babies named Randy
— Atman Thakrar (@AtmanThakrar) August 28, 2016
Best Tweet about The Martial Arts
So the screenplay is called "Karate President" pic.twitter.com/QtxyL06ws7
— Lozenge™ (@LostCatDog) September 26, 2016
Best Physical Fitness Tweet
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
"That'll do pig. That'll do."
— TokenSuperhero (@MarcusTheToken) December 29, 2015
Most MacGyver Tweet
I just earned my black belt in Dad by using a hot dog bun as a potholder in a crisis.
— Andrew O. (@TheOrvedahl) October 3, 2016
Most Alienating Tweet
This is a terrible time for aliens to find us.
— Kumail Nanjiani (@kumailn) August 30, 2016
Of all the ways you can help the environment, not dumping your old toilet in the woods behind a shopping plaza is the easiest.
— Chris Murphy (@chrismurphyusa) February 4, 2016
Best Comment Commentary Tweet
This woman's "I'm deleting my Facebook" post has 52 comments and she's replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
— erin whitehead (@girlwithatail) May 29, 2016
Cutest Dog Tweet
WHO'S A PRETTY GIRL IN A PRETTY DRESS pic.twitter.com/wKFcGpTJkS
— Jasmine Sweatshirt (@jasminebella) February 17, 2016
Cutest Cat Tweet
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: "If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends."
— Elizabeth Hackett (@LizHackett) July 23, 2016
Second Cutest Cat Tweet
Subtle way to ask for a raise: let your boss see you eating cat food.
— CalmTomb (@CalmTomb) August 2, 2016
Best Animal Lover Tweet
I'm at the zoo and I keep calling the snakes, "lizard noodles," and security is asking me to leave.
— Daniel Carrillo (@DanielRCarrillo) September 24, 2016
Best TGIF Tweet
It's the freakin weekend, plant your body near a bog and let the dirt turn you into something ancient.
— Doth (@DothTheDoth) March 18, 2016
Best Inquisitive Nephew Tweet
My nephews are visiting L.A. and they're asking lots of questions like "Is that dog famous?" and "Why do all the boys have samurai hair?"
— Kendra Alvey (@Kendragarden) June 21, 2016
Best Community Activism Tweet
Two CrossFit places in my neighborhood have just gone out of business. I feel proud of my community, as if we repelled a Viking invasion.
— Jim Gavin (@jimatdeltaco) February 3, 2016
[screaming at Weird Al]
THOSE AREN'T THE WORDS
— Leah Tiscione (@LeahTiscione) July 3, 2016
Best Motorcycle Tweet
I bet being in a biker gang is 90% waiting for the other bikers to take shits
— Jacy Catlin (@ieatanddrink) July 5, 2016
Best Car Tweet
I'd watch Pimp My Ride: One Year Later, a show about people coming to terms with maintaining a fish tank and waffle-maker in a Ford Fiesta.
— Joe Berkowitz (@JoeBerkowitz) February 23, 2016
Most Effective Ant-Drug Tweet
smokes weed once pic.twitter.com/QMnZH16f3h
— ceeks (@70Ceeks) October 21, 2016
Best Friend Tweet
*slowly rises out of a large snow pile by your front steps* i know you saw my text
— local badboy-elect (@hippieswordfish) February 3, 2016
Best Kevin Hart/Josh Gad/Olivia Munn Tweet
Movie Poster: SLIDE INTO HER DMS LIKE
Kevin Hart/Josh Gad (White robes, at a spa, both hold smart phones) Olivia Munn (Holds phone, angry)
— Ira Parks (@IraParks) January 26, 2016
Best Wealth Planning Tweet
I just want to be "not constantly looking around my apartment for things I could sell" rich
— Molly Erdman (@erdmanmolly) October 18, 2016
Most Problematic Tweet
Boss: You're late.
Me: Sorry, problems at home.
Boss: Don't you live alone?
— Gladstone (@WGladstone) October 13, 2016
Best Wedding DJ Tweet
Wedding DJ just yelled, "I want to see everybody out there move their bodies! I may have accidentally frozen some of you with my amulet!"
— Cleve (@turbomanatee) May 21, 2016
Best Philly Tweet by a Non-Philadelphian
In other news, nobody on staff at the Philadelphia zoo has ever been online. pic.twitter.com/kfCgOMv4A2
— Howard Mittelmark (@HMittelmark) August 31, 2016
Best Tweet by a Beloved Philadelphia Detective
Legit wouldn't be surprised if I saw a car parked on a roof in South Philly one day.
— Joseph Murray (@PPDJoeMurray) April 28, 2016
Best Tweet by a Beloved Philadelphia Journalist
I think these stock photo models are running a disability scam. pic.twitter.com/MoZ3sY8bCW
— Dan McQuade (@dhm) June 27, 2016
Best Tweet That Reminded Me to Watch My Neighbor Totoro Again
It's like a bus stop in a Miyazaki movie. pic.twitter.com/WQmMf8y3QN
— Paul Tobin (@PaulTobin) April 12, 2016
Best Fake Tweet
I, for one, am ASTOUNDED to hear that you hate fake people
— hope (@hopiecan) June 20, 2016
Best Shit Talkin’ Tweet
when you go online and talk shit about Air Supply and then turn down the wrong alley pic.twitter.com/46au3m8I7x
— Rob Wesley (@eastwes) June 30, 2016
Most Full of Hot Air Tweet
World, you can break my spirit, but you can't change the fact that a hot air balloon festival in Missouri follows me on Instagram.
— Wendy Molyneux (@WendyMolyneux) July 23, 2016
Best Foodie Tweet
For those of you who saw me eating fried chicken in my parked car this morning– YOU DON'T KNOW MY JOURNEY!
— Chris Regan (@ChrisRRegan) July 29, 2016
Best Food Storage Container Tweet
Sometimes I just open up the cabinet and let the Tupperware hit me in the face on purpose.
— denise navidad (@Stellacopter) September 19, 2016
Best Pizza Tweet
Tonight I had to tell my toddler she couldn't take her bath with a slice of pizza. I've become everything I ever hated
— afbradstone (@afbradstone) January 26, 2016
Best Cereal Tweet
Just like Tony the Tiger & the Trix Rabbit, Honey Bunches of Oats unveils its new mascot, Your Mom's Boyfriend Jeff! pic.twitter.com/2l4430bPg4
— Chip Chantry (@ChipChantry) March 17, 2016
Most Fashionable Tweet
I can't even imagine how bad the cut is on a pair of jeans owned by a man who is mad about the new Ghostbusters.
— Daniel Ralston (@danielralston) May 18, 2016
Most Introspective Tweet
Man, sometimes I remember some little thing years ago that made me mad and think, "I was 100% right."
— Alicia Hawkes (@AliciaHawkes) February 20, 2016
Best Self-Restraint Tweet
So much of being an adult is just not clicking the "Send" button
— Gloria Fallon (@GloriaFallon123) February 4, 2016
Best Political Prognostication Tweet
With all due respect, I didn't see any of this shit coming. https://t.co/xhCKKvRu8c
— Jeff Tweedy (@JeffTweedy) July 25, 2016
Best Meet Cute Tweet
LOL I can hear my neighbor rehearsing how he’s going to ask someone out to dinner. BRB someone’s knocking at my door OMG NO
— Quinn Sutherland (@ReelQuinn) September 21, 2016
Most Consumer-Friendly Tweet
I pray holiday savings can heal this broken nation.
— matt prindl (@GriefBison) November 23, 2016
Best Anglophile Tweet
"Wew wew wew, if it iddint me old fwend, Peaky Blinders!"– sample dialogue from "Peaky Blinders," I'm guessing
— Patrick Walsh (@thepatrickwalsh) July 17, 2016
Best Pre-Crime Tweet
This bike is locked up tight in case two thieves in love walk by. pic.twitter.com/9Izgc49BcK
— Josh Gondelman (@joshgondelman) November 20, 2016
Most Popular Holiday Toy Tweet
— Kristin (@FeralCrone) July 21, 2016
Best Interlocking Plastic Danish Construction Toy Tweet
— Christopher Cooper (@ARTofCOOP) July 8, 2016
Best Westworld Tweet
— Karen (Tozzi) (@karentozzi) August 3, 2016
Best Peek Into the Future
Here I am at 90, spry as a fox, jumping around my "contained living enclosure" while a crowd of robots toss tater tots at my feet as treats.
— Ted Travelstead (@trumpetcake) May 21, 2016
Best Volleyball Tweet
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special. pic.twitter.com/Tz6Tt6l4jn
— Jessie (@NicCageMatch) June 30, 2016
Second Best Volleyball Tweet
I'm living without a roommate for the first time in my life. I give it a week before I'm talking to a volleyball.
— Mike Primavera (@primawesome) August 2, 2016
Best Good Tweet
I'd like to volunteer for the experiment wherein one is given too much of a good thing to determine the moment it ceases to be a good thing.
— Scotsky Lenin (@ScottLinnen) May 21, 2016
Happiest Holiday Tweet
The weather outside was frightful, the fire was so delightful, I brought some corn for poppin. Got that, shithead? That's our fuckin alibi
— Jen Spyra (@jenspyra) December 5, 2016
Most Punishing Tweet
I bet the guy who invented broth became a bouillonaire.
— Dave (@gneicco) October 25, 2016
Best Real Estate Tweet
House Hunters: Intergalactic- Tim & Lisa are relocating to B7QR-4 but will Lisa's demands for a hydropod send this search into a blackhole
— Soup Enthusiast (@Corrosivebaker) February 23, 2016
Most Therapeutic Tweet
Don't act like you've never seen a therapy turkey going through airport security. pic.twitter.com/n16XBm9Lfs
— Maggie Serota 🎅🏻 (@maggieserota) February 3, 2016
Best Good Mourning Tweet
You mourn all wrong. Here put on this veil. Make a toddler salute. There. Now you're Jackie O. She was a good mourner. Your mourning is shit
— Don Nichols (@TheDairylandDon) January 12, 2016
Most Perplexing Tweet
If vampires have no reflection how do they get their hair like that.
— Matt Monroe (@heymonroe) August 24, 2016
Best Music Tweet
Friday: an old man snapping his fingers
Saturday: three owls
Sunday: a dwarf tips over an upright bass and laughs pic.twitter.com/Kks8k4hpi5
— Dan Clyne (@danCLYNE) June 22, 2016
Second Best Music Tweet
(to the tune of Riders on the Storm) Imitation Crab
— Paul (@YesNoSuper) April 28, 2016
Best Tweet by My Wife Possibly Directed at Me
There is never a good answer to the question, "Why does it smell so bad in here?"
— Kell Andrews (@kellandrewsPA) October 25, 2016
Best Asshole Tweet
The worst thing about being an adult & not a kid is that no one stands behind you when you're being an asshole mouthing "she's just hungry."
— maura quint (@behindyourback) January 16, 2016
Most Nostalgic Tweet
Teens don't know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.
— Erica (@SCbchbum) February 1, 2016
Most Bone Chilling Tweet
Yup, that's me. You're probably wondering how I got into this mess. Well, pic.twitter.com/mqu6En1B5R
— Patrick Monahan (@pattymo) July 10, 2016
Best DIY Tweet
I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.
— Eileen Curtright (@eileencurtright) April 11, 2016
Most Casual Response to a Group Message Tweet
Someone wrong-numbered me onto a weird group text. So I replied pic.twitter.com/mL0wFL807y
— Bob Powers (@bobpowers1) September 15, 2016
Best Media Tweet
Bannon: I'm a racist
Bannon's supporters: He's a racist
Bannon's opponents: He's a racist
Media: Is Steve Bannon a Racist? Critics Disagree
— Jason Miller (@longwall26) November 15, 2016
Best Evidence That Twitter is Indeed Bad
Saw a Ken Bone and a Harambe parody account tweeting at one another today and maybe we deserve all this
— Stephanie McMaster (@Smethanie) October 14, 2016
More Great Tweeters Tweeting Things…