Topics: Bands Overcoming Novelty Songs, Bridesmaids, The Oscars, Technology Overload, Answering Machines, Party Lines, NPR Slinging the Guilt, Russ’s Spreadsheet Update, Punk Bands and Terrible TV Product Placements.

Playlist: “Waiting for Something” by Nada Surf, “Lightshow” by Plants and Animals, “Forever Won’t Wait” by the Steve Adamyk Band and “UsedWigs” by Eli Braden.

Play Now: http://www.usedwigs.com/pod/podcast92.mp3

iTunes: Download, Listen and Subscribe

Podcast Website: www.usedwigsradio.com

Come for our artisanal cheeses, stay for our six-pronged mandolin assault.

Yup, a V-neck with buttons. Deal with that mutherfuckers!

Grand Opening Sale-a-bration at the new Zero Dollar Store!

Support Y107′s Morning Hosts Grumpy and Pit Stain during this year’s “Stand-a-thon!”

“Thank you guys soooo much for your support!! Hugz and Luvz to all our fans!”

“Are you there God? It’s me… trying to look like you.”

And there they sat for hours in silence, all refusing to take responsibility for forgetting the picnic basket and Frisbee.

“Um Blythe, are you sure this is where the tweet said the Peruvian Barbeque Taco Truck would be parked?”

“Wake me if I get interesting.”

The Joy Less Club

Pukulele

“We will do whatever it takes to distract you from the music we play poorly.”

“Jonas calls them bottom burps, I call them not funny.”

“My fantasy football team’s poor performance is worrisome.”

“Hi, just taking a break. We’re chasing an angel through the forest. Have you seen her?”

“FOUND HER!!!!”

“Shhh… if we bag this one, we eat for a month!”

“Let me be perfectly clear Willem, you WILL wear this hoodie-shirt I made you on stage and you WILL mention my Etsy store name!”

“When Boston Bruins playoff  tickets go on sale, we’re ALWAYS first in line! ALWAYS! And no cutsies!”

Questions? Wake up one of our Sunglass Hut professionals for assistance!

Watch out Banksy, it’s Wanksy!

“What’s that Mr. Photographer? You want pensive? How does 300,000 mother-fucking kilowatts of pensive intensity sound?”

“If you must know, we find the all the “NO” responses to our Margarita Happy Hour Evite quite troubling.”

“Ladies and gents, give it up for Pop Pop and The Pouty Pouters!”

“Damian, it was actually quite simple. I used a Reveal All Layer Mask on Chambliss with the Gradient Tool set to Transparent. Also, I used Photoshop’s new Dour filter on the  top three layers. Easy Peasy!”

“If you’re happy and you know it, you’re out of this band! clap clap!”

“Colton… Jarrod… is she gone yet? I’m afraid to look.”

“Yes, I feel country and yes I feel feminine. Just take the damn photo.”

“Shhhh… guess whose breath is atrocious?”

“Thanks Miriam, now no one will notice my new fob watch.”

Darthikhus mumbles “Ringlets, much?” while looking at KhurchBurner’s new hairdo. SoulStainz stifles a laugh.

“I’m not mad, I just can’t believe you watched ‘Mike & Molly’ without me.”

Frosted Tips only $19.95 now at SupeCuts!

“Don’t you think for one second we don’t know the difference between the berries you CAN eat and the kind you CAN’T!”

“We like the same things!!! BFFz!!!”

This photo is pretty close to being cool… here, let me just add something…

Perfect!

I bet she could try a little harder to get noticed. Knee cymbals?

Listen you creeps, stop the disappointed staring thing. I will say it just one more time, “I’m not investing in your hemp clothing line!!”

The one-man white guy drumline is the worst kind of drumline.

“Buy four oxfords, get one free bow tie!  Only at Lord Sullenton’s High Street Haberdashery.”

Oh how I wish this was Camp Crystal Lake.

Trevor mistakenly left the tent and fishing poles in the driveway.

“My wrinkled shirt makes me feel despondent and ashamed. Lars, please smile for both of us.”

“Dammit Simon! I CANNOT believe you just got us kicked out of Silly People Camp!”

“We are being cuter than you ever thought humanly possible, right? This was totally Gypsum and Nate’s idea!”

“Your move, Bonnie Prince Billy!”

“May I please borrow your lawn mower?”

“Join our fight against the Dharma Initiative and we promise to get you off this island.”

“Fuck you forest, we’re gonna chop down another too.”

“We are so in a fight right now.”

“I am so bored with you liking me.”

“Look guyzz, this where stinky homeless people live. Yuckee!”

The featured speakers at your next web design conference.

“Is that our sense of humor on the floor?”
“Yes dear, but don’t pick it up. We have no use for it.”

Watch where you step: Someone threw up filthy hipsters and kitsch all over the stage.

“No, I most certainly will NOT go jet skiing with you!

“I bang on drums!”
“I encourage Conan to make bad music!”

Look, Balki has GarageBand.

Native American Idiot

An accordion makes nothing better.

“I’ve been working out, can I go shirtless, pretty pleeeease!”
“Okay, but you know the rule, drummers in the back.”

“Make no mistake, when I’m done my smoke, your beer pong ass-kicking will commence.”

Pot rap, about as enjoyable as pot comedians.

Photographer: “Your ennui is overwhelming…  perfect!”

Poor bedbugs, having these dirty hippies lying on top of them.

Listen pal, I don’t care who your father was…

“Almost there, still a little too natural and expected, try adding more quirky crap.”

“We’re being ironical, deal with it!”

This makes me hate toys.

Related News

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Originally posted 2/23/11, updated 1/7/12.

Remember when comedian Dave Hill came to Philly last February at Connie’s Ric Rac and the March before that at the World Cafe Live during the UsedWigs Live Show and blew the doors off? And remember how much your sides, belly and palms hurt from laughing and high-fiving your pals during Dave’s killer set? Yeah, that was crazy! Well guess what laugh lovers? Dave is coming back to Philly this Thursday, January 12th, at the Tin Angel because he loves this city so god-damned much. UsedWigs pals, ball-busting Nikki Walter and the always elegant Daniel Eastman, will also be performing. A few tickets are still available, get em now.

I asked Dave what are his five favorites things about Philly. Here are the top 5 of the 73 answers he supplied.

1. That really big mural of Dr. J on that one building:

I have never really followed basketball, but I still totally know who Dr. J is and I think it’s really great that there is a seriously large painting of him on the side of a building right there in your town where pretty much anybody can roll up on him any time they want and just say to themselves or whoever else is with them at the moment “Look — there’s Dr. J, the famous basketball player, a man we still talk about to this day. Talk about scoring points — he was great at it.” I also like that Dr. J is dressed in a cool suit in this mural. It’s like he’s just hanging out or something, instead of dressed up in one of his professional basketball outfits. This makes him seem more approachable to me, even though he is two stories high and if a person were ever really that big they could crush you without even thinking about it.

2. This one store I went to:

A couple years ago, I got dim sum (the popular Chinese brunch-like meal) with my friend Maria (who pretty much just bitched about how much she hated Chinese food the whole time. Whatever.) Afterward, we wandered around town and happened upon this one store that sold all sorts of cool stuff. The guy who ran the store told us there was a whorehouse next door, which made us giggle. Anyway, I can’t remember the name of the store, but it had a stuffed hyena in it. Odds are they are out of business by now as the hyena wasn’t for sale and you can’t exactly have a hyena in your store and not expect everyone to want to buy it a whole lot more than anything else you might be selling. Anyway, I did end up buying something else anyway, specifically a DVD of a French movie called “Don’t Deliver Us From Evil,” which is about a couple French schoolgirls who decided to align themselves with Satan instead of listening to the nuns at their school, who are total bitches. As you can probably imagine, that one pretty much writes itself. The nuns lez out, the two Satany girls kill some guy with a log, and they even set themselves on fire at the end. In short, it pretty much has everything. Run, don’t walk, to see this movie.

3. Terry Gross:

I like that Terry Gross, host of the popular “Fresh Air” public radio program, is living right there in your town. I’ve never met Terry (what I call her), but I love the idea that by coming to Philadelphia it suddenly becomes a possibility that I might run into her, cool glasses and all, in her natural habitat. And if that ever happened, I’d probably just say “Hey, Terry. You want to go get a sandwich or something?” Most people probably would have stopped at saying hello. Not me though — I swing for the fences.

4. A low tolerance for bullshit:

Whenever I step off the train and into the train station in Philadelphia (You know —  the one featured in the hit movie “Witness” starring Kelly McGillis in the role of a lifetime and I think she takes her top off at one point) and then out into the streets of Philadelphia, one of the first things I am struck by is how much the people of Philadelphia pretty much have no time for bullshit. I wish I could say the same for the people of Baltimore. Those people are so crazy for bullshit it’s not even funny. Crab cakes at a baseball game? Bullshit. Get over yourselves, Baltimorians. Anyway, that shit and a lot of other shit would never fly in Philly because pretty much everyone there hates bullshit. And I love that they hate bullshit, because I hate bullshit too. When I come to Philadelphia this weekend, I hope to round up a bunch of Philadelphians and just stand around with them while giving the finger to bullshit in all its forms. It’s gonna be pretty great.

5. Non-cheesesteak food options:

A lot of people think cheesesteaks are the only food item available in Philadelphia. This is crazy. I’ve had all sorts of food here and it was delicious. And guess what- none of it was cheesesteaks. In fact, you know what? Fuck cheesesteaks- they are doing fine without me. Another thing is that Questlove lives in Philadelphia. He is a great drummer with great hair, which is great for him and a lot of other people. One time I played a show in Philadelphia with the Walter Schreifels Band at Chuck Treece’s rock club/arts facility place. Questlove was there and I was excited to tell everyone how Questlove was there but then he left. I have other stories. Not about Questlove, but stories in general.

More:

• Keep Twitter Funny: Follow Dave Hill, Todd Barry and Jon Wurster
• Interview with Dave Hill
• @mrdavehill

Christmas Eve is magic. Always has been, always will be in my book. (That’s because my book is entitled “Christmas Eve is Magic.”) It’s my favorite day of the year and it totally kicks the butt of Easter Eve and decimates Secretary’s Day Eve. The giddy anticipation of Santa’s visit culminates on this marvelous night and if I could bottle this wonderful feeling of good will (and slight greed), I would. And then sell it to you all at friends and family discount.

Growing up there was nothing I loved more than hitting the 7:00 p.m. mass at St. Rose in Belmar and seeing some of my favorite families all decked out in their spanking new sweaters and fancy dresses. The Keady, Dwyer, Nies and Jenkins families all sat on the right side (facing the altar); the Commesso, Dunn and Lyons clans camped out on the left. I found comfort in this expected order and looked forward to seeing everyone passing by on the communion line and chatting them up as we departed. Listening to my dad bellow along to all the Christmas songs in the pew, whether he knew the words or not, was also a highlight.

After mass, neighbors, cousins and family friends would gather at my parents’ house and the holiday cheer would continue. Mom would fire up the oven and shovel in the greatest assortment of frozen treats the local Acme had to offer: mini pizzas, mini pigs-in-a-blanket, mini Reubens and mini haggis (made that last one up). Lots of beer and wine were imbibed and stories were rehashed at a rapid pace. I loved standing behind the bar with Dad or brother DJ, making sure glasses were filled while Uncle Frank sat at the end making certain chops were busted.

We always ended the night with a raucous game of trivia. My wife Kelly was the ringer everyone wanted her on his or her team. The more we drank the less we knew and the more entertaining it became. And yes, cousin Bridget, we all thought Thomas Jefferson was the one “movin’ on up, to the east side, to a deluxe apartment in the sky.” Great clue, kid!

With the passing of my parents, those nights are no longer. I can’t express how much I miss them, but the 25 years of insanely fun Christmas festivities and memories I shared with them both continue to bring me joy and some solace.

Patty proudly wearing her “Ziggy” sweatshirt Christmas gift. Ziggy was our dog. Don was his best friend.

Luckily, with every tradition that passes, a new one arises. We now celebrate the night before Christmas with the Andrews and Galer families at Uncle Hap’s house in the Mount Airy section of Philly. Hap lives in a big old corner twin house: giant doors, high ceilings, ridiculously large Christmas tree, tons of antiques and my favorite: the back pantry which houses the perfectly chilled cases of beer.

Kelly’s family is equally as fun as mine, just not as loud (save for Heather). It’s always a great time at Hap’s, lots of kids zooming around, good conversation and many bottles of red adorn the dining room table. I look forward to eating a nice selection of cheeses in the kitchen while standing next to an old treadmill and pretending to know about hockey.

My single most favorite part of the evening is the peaceful drive home along Lincoln Drive, across the river and through the Wynnewood to our little house we go. The girls nod off, snug in their jammies while Kel and I enjoy some Christmas tunes on the radio and quietly discuss what still needs to be wrapped. It’s so calm, almost creepy calm and before I freak out I remind myself, “It’s not creepy calm, it’s magic calm. People are taking the night off from evil and nonsense because Santa sprinkled his magic Quaalude dust on everyone as his sleigh passed by overhead.”

Finally, home! I enjoy giving gifts much more than receiving (unless it’s a drum set, then gimme gimme!), so once Kel goes to bed I look forward to Scotch-taping the hell out of the last few gifts I saved and popping open another beer. I kick back, listen to some WPRB, fire up some Facebook (“Ooh, look who’s drunk posting now!”) and suck in all the magical goodness the night has to offer.

Merry magical Christmas Eve to all my friends who celebrate it and believe in magic!

– Originally posted December 24, 2010

Topics: Holiday Fun, Worst Gifts Ever Given, Worst Gifts Ever Received, Dating Do’s and Don’ts, Gift Cards, Homemade Bikes, Fruit Presents, Hiding Twitter from Coworkers, People Being Horrible on Twitter, Men’s Fragrances, Tiny Husbands, Awkward Hugs, Best-Selling Christmas Music, Uncanny Valley, New Year’s Eve Hookups and The Kinks.

Guests: Anna Goldfarb and Molly Davis

Teaser: Yankee Candles, they say “I hate you!” and “She likes light!”

Playlist: “All I Want is Truth (For Christmas)” by The Mynabirds, “Winter Vacation” by The Subjects and “Only at Christmas Time” by Sufjan Stevens.

Play Now: http://www.usedwigs.com/pod/podcast91.mp3

iTunes: Download, Listen and Subscribe

Please Like Us: New Facebook Page

Related Links:

• Shmitten Kitten
• @shmittenkitten
• @molly_kats
• “Just the Ten of Us”
• Tina Fey’s Husband
• Todd’s Hot Wing Beard
• Leading Edge Model D
• Figgy Pudding
• Midge Ure
• “Do It Again”
• Nick & Nicole Epic Bros Podcast
• 24-Hour Holiday Radio Show on WPRB!

Get out there, people. Work hard, make it happen.

Photo: Pat Graham

Octophenia by The Who – Concept: It is ten years later in Brighton and Quadrophenia’s main mod, Jimmy, now has eight distinct personalities. His new “practical joker” personality is really pissing off the other seven. Whoopee cushions on the GS Scooter and giving the Ace Face the ol’ joy buzzer handshake get old real quick. John Entwistle’s refusal to make fart noises with his bass sounded the death knell for this proposed quadruple double album. Plus, imagine the lost licensing fees for each song’s eventual placement in episodes of the now defunct United States of Tara. Hundreds of dollars, gone.

Read the rest at Low Times>

Our UsedWigs Holiday Shows are always super fun! We’ll have gifts, awesome guests and lots of (snow)ball busting! Plus, you can eat holiday crepes filled with roasted chestnuts or snow or tinsel or any other fillings you want, we don’t  judge you on what you eat at our shows. Unless it’s reindeer, that is awful and you should feel really ashamed for even asking the waiter about it. Anyway, get over your shame and come to this show or we’ll send Jack Frost (pictured above) to come nip at your nose. (He has hidden tiger teeth!) I mentioned guests, and boy oh boy, we are super pumped to have two lovely ladies join us to spread some holiday cheer!

Anna Goldfarb is a Philadelphia-based author, humorist, and screenwriter. She loves short guys. Like, she really loves them. It’s kinda weird. She writes about bonerkillers on Shmitten Kitten and you can follow her on Twitter at @ShmittenKitten.

Molly Davis is a very funny and popular Twitter personality and more importantly she hates her upstairs neighbor and hummus. Don’t bring either to the show! Check in with Molly on Twitter at @Molly_Kats

Let’s Do This!!

UsedWigs Holiday Podcast Recording Session

Tuesday, December 20, 2011 – 8:00pm
L’etage
624 South 6th Street
Philadelphia, PA 19147

Admission: FREE!

NEW: Please visit and LIKE our new Facebook Page.

Past Shows!

• UsedWigs Radio Podcast 90: Guests Madame Fromage and Nikki Walter
• UsedWigs Radio Podcast 89: Guest Jon Solomon
• UsedWigs Radio Podcast: Mates of State Interview
• UsedWigs Radio Podcast 88: Brian Seymour
• UsedWigs Radio Podcast 87: Guests Kelly Vrooman and SM Shrake
• UsedWigs Radio Podcast 86: Guests Doogie Horner and Maggie Serota
• UsedWigs Radio Podcast 85: Guests Dave Hill and Nikki Walter

I am loving these shorts directed by Lynda Balsama. These cops are so much more interesting than Richard Dreyfuss and Emilio Estevez. The episode above features Chris Orbach and Steve Di Schiavi of the Travel Channel’s “The Dead Files.” The debut episode below features Seth Gilliam and Chris Orbach.