Bad Halloween Costumes: Little Mr. Kotter

By on Oct 22, 2010 in Daily Distractions, Daily Scare, Time Wasters | 23 Comments

barbarino

Originally posted October 27, 2007

My mom was pretty good at pulling together Halloween costumes for my brother and I when we were young. Even last minute, she could whip up a pretty sweet hobo outfit, replete with realistic bindles and burnt-cork five-o’clock shadows.

Once hoboed up, I couldn’t wait to go to the railroad tracks and warm my hands over a cozy garbage can with the real “bums” and watch them eat roasted squirrel and sharpen their stabbing sticks.

Mom also had a full-time job and one year she was just too wiped out to conjure up some creepy Halloween attire. So Team Lyons went to Plan B. And boy did Plan B. suck.

My dad swooped in and picked up a couple prepackaged gems from our local variety store (Schatzows 5 & 10, Belmar, NJ) on his way home from work. A tremendous amount of thought was not put into the purchase.

The costume box contained a semi-pliable mask (most certainly decorated with lead paint) and a chintzy, plastic smock that displayed the theme of the costume in an extremely low budget fashion.

My older brother chose first and was lucky enough to get the Vinnie Barbarino costume and he got to do his spot-on “What? Where? Why?” and “I’m so confused!” routine. Good stuff, D.J., good stuff.

Unfortunately, I got stuck with the frightfully afroed and mustachioed Mr. Kotter. Nice. Thanks Dad, the Kotter smock has all the Sweathog faces plastered on the front with their names to boot. That way I’ll never forget who’s who. Smart.

Quick question, wouldn’t it have been easier for the costume artist to design a simple tie and corduroy jacket ensemble instead of the painstaking work he poured into creating these incredible simulacrums?

An eight-year old dressed up as a schlubby, plastic-encased, middle-aged hack comic with absolutely no acting chops is not a pretty sight. I couldn’t even pull off the Kotter-doing-Groucho impression made famous by Mr. Kaplan, and every child my age could do that. I had nothing.

I wasn’t too motivated to go out in public and depress the neighbors, but I did, and let’s just say some serious tears spewed out of those little round eye holes as Sweathog-hating kids made fun of me while Barbarino was four houses up getting hi-fives and bagloads of Marathon bars.

After a few listless “Trick or Treats,” I plunked myself down on the curb and stuffed my fat cry-hole with some fun-sized goodness. Sure, Little Mr. Kotter was a wuss and acted more like a Horshack than a Boom Boom, but he knew next year would be different. Better! With the right pair of rainbow suspenders, striped shirt, lots of manic energy and a few well-placed “Shazbots,” he’d be back in business!

(Didn’t happen, hobo again.)

The website RetroCrush has posted the worst of these infamous, highly-flammable outfits including Chachi, Fat Albert, Space Ghost, GI Joe, the Care Bears and many more. Enjoy the painful memories.

Have any bad costume memories you want to share? Share here.

Website: www.retrocrush.com

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  • http://www.huffingtonpost.com/scott-shrake Scott Shrake

    I’ve just been a witch every year, I never had one of those store-bought costumes. I do remember a big costume store on Woodward Avenue in Detroit that had huge rubber prosthetic breasts and asses hanging from the ceiling. They were expensive, too! Maybe they weren’t just for Halloween. . .

  • http://www.huffingtonpost.com/scott-shrake Scott Shrake

    I’ve just been a witch every year, I never had one of those store-bought costumes. I do remember a big costume store on Woodward Avenue in Detroit that had huge rubber prosthetic breasts and asses hanging from the ceiling. They were expensive, too! Maybe they weren’t just for Halloween. . .

  • http://www.toddmarrone.com/ Todd Marrone

    When I was in 4th grade, I dressed up as Cantor Rabinovitch from Neil Diamond’s 1980 remake of the Jazz Singer. When I was young, it was one of my favorite Laurence Olivier roles.

  • http://www.toddmarrone.com Todd Marrone

    When I was in 4th grade, I dressed up as Cantor Rabinovitch from Neil Diamond’s 1980 remake of the Jazz Singer. When I was young, it was one of my favorite Laurence Olivier roles.

  • Michelle H

    When I was about 9 or 10 my grandmother spent about 6 months sewing my Halloween costume in secrecy. Halloween finally came and she presented me with a very scary very elaborate ET costume.She was so proud and I wore it but I have never happily dressed up for Halloween again. It’s a holiday I really just don’t care for.

  • Michelle H

    When I was about 9 or 10 my grandmother spent about 6 months sewing my Halloween costume in secrecy. Halloween finally came and she presented me with a very scary very elaborate ET costume.She was so proud and I wore it but I have never happily dressed up for Halloween again. It’s a holiday I really just don’t care for.

  • Amee

    This weekend I was at well known opera diva Jessye Norman’s concert and although the music was moving all I could think of was what a great Halloween costume she would make. Yes, for a sophisticated and aging homosexual audience, but all you would need is a basic witchy wig, a caftan, eyeliner and be comfortable making a lot of dramatic faces!

  • Amee

    This weekend I was at well known opera diva Jessye Norman’s concert and although the music was moving all I could think of was what a great Halloween costume she would make. Yes, for a sophisticated and aging homosexual audience, but all you would need is a basic witchy wig, a caftan, eyeliner and be comfortable making a lot of dramatic faces!

  • http://www.surfindead.com/ deeky

    new costumes are just as bad.

  • http://www.surfindead.com/ deeky

    new costumes are just as bad.

  • http://www.surfindead.com/ deeky

    oops. i meant this page instead:

    http://shakespearessister.blogspot.com/2007/10/halloween-dangers.html

    you know what? just forget i posted anything. i’m an idiot.

  • http://www.surfindead.com/ deeky

    oops. i meant this page instead:

    http://shakespearessister.blogspot.com/2007/10/halloween-dangers.html

    you know what? just forget i posted anything. i’m an idiot.

  • http://kevindowneyjr.com/ Kevin Downey, Jr.

    When I was 4 I wanted to be Casper the ghost for halloween. My mom bought me the costume and I was tickled. 29 years later, when I knew how to read, I was going through old photos and I saw a pic of me in the costume, It wasn’t casper, it was “Gus the Ghost”, Casper’s cheap knock off.

  • http://kevindowneyjr.com Kevin Downey, Jr.

    When I was 4 I wanted to be Casper the ghost for halloween. My mom bought me the costume and I was tickled. 29 years later, when I knew how to read, I was going through old photos and I saw a pic of me in the costume, It wasn’t casper, it was “Gus the Ghost”, Casper’s cheap knock off.

  • T. Flanagan

    It was always exciting to go to Schatzow’s in October to check out the boxed halloween costumes. If I recall correctly they were in the farthest aisle from where you walked in. One year I was a skeleton. I suspect the costumes were not really flame-retardant though.

  • T. Flanagan

    It was always exciting to go to Schatzow’s in October to check out the boxed halloween costumes. If I recall correctly they were in the farthest aisle from where you walked in. One year I was a skeleton. I suspect the costumes were not really flame-retardant though.

  • Ellen

    My brother and I got Planet of the Apes costumes of the same type when we were about 7/8/9ish too. They might have even both been the same character. We loved them for some bizarre reason and wanted to wear them again for 2 or 3 Halloweens afterward.

  • Ellen

    My brother and I got Planet of the Apes costumes of the same type when we were about 7/8/9ish too. They might have even both been the same character. We loved them for some bizarre reason and wanted to wear them again for 2 or 3 Halloweens afterward.

  • heather andrews magda

    I NEVER got a prepackaged costume but my sisters did!! I always was a cowgirl or gypsy…whatever was easy…I hope Nan doesn’t read this!

  • heather andrews magda

    I NEVER got a prepackaged costume but my sisters did!! I always was a cowgirl or gypsy…whatever was easy…I hope Nan doesn’t read this!

  • Jeff Lyons

    Ellen, Planet of The Apes ruled my world for many years. One Christmas, DJ and I got the PotA Treehouse. DJ got the Cornelius doll and I got the Zira doll (yes, the female). I was none too pleased. I guess the Taylor and Dr. Zaius dolls were all sold out…

  • Jeff Lyons

    Ellen, Planet of The Apes ruled my world for many years. One Christmas, DJ and I got the PotA Treehouse. DJ got the Cornelius doll and I got the Zira doll (yes, the female). I was none too pleased. I guess the Taylor and Dr. Zaius dolls were all sold out…

  • Brother dj

    Jeff, I know we all had our bad moments, actually, great moments picking up those 3 buck packages of flammable fun. I had just started smoking at 15, pack of “Reds” was rolled up in my sleeve, when John Rodgers and I (each of us 5’5 and a buck and a quarter wet) picked up 2 Ghostbuster costumes at Schatzows.

    Yes I did teach most kids to smoke cigs in school but that’s another story… bad. We both lit up wearing the same exact (both were Akaroyd and not the other guy with a very small part) plastic costumes and proceeded to knock on doors.

    We did well, collected a nice haul and went back John’s house to eat some apples (yes, it was ok then) that the seniors and renters gave us from the Mayfair Hotel.

    When Kar and I came home with kids Sunday night Karen checked the candy. Jeff, if a syringe was hanging out of a Reggie bar as kid, I think most of us would have just pulled it out and ate the candy.

    Not saying our parents didn’t care as they very well did. However times were great when you could stay out till 9 at night with an Evel Knievel costume, trick or treat and come home to unlocked doors (Bob Carrol at 17 lol).

    Great read Jeff.