Headlines ripped from the pages of our new book “Quality Workday Distractions!” Buy a copy (of 5!) and get more great news you can use! Comedian Jim Gaffigan says, “UsedWigs.com is like the bacon of the internet. Mmm. UsedWigs.”

• Inventor Kid Invents Useless Piece of Crap!

• 99% of Indians Polled Find Gay Cowboy Movie Very Realistic!
• Cancer Awareness Bracelets Found to Cause Cancer!
• Disturbing Hidden Camera Footage Reveals Local Health Club Still Playing Fabulous Thunderbirds Videos!
• ‘Real World’ Cast Member Dies During ‘Gauntlet’ Event, Doctor Determines Cause of Death to Be Old Age!
• Trader Joe’s Employee Goes from ‘Very Friendly’ to ‘Very Irritating’ in a Matter of Seconds!
• Rabid Sports Fan Hits Rock Bottom, Joins Fantasy Paintball League!
• Kevin Costner and a Really Bad Premise Team Up Once Again for New Movie!

More here: news, nonsense, pop culture lists, band names and more!

Price: $13.95

Buy Here: Amazon

You love post-apocalyptic dystopian tales of gritty humans battling armies of insidious baby-eating cyborgs, right? So does Philadelphia’s preeminent geek Eric Smith (geekadelphia.com), but in his debut novel he tackles something much more troubling and frightening: relationships and ruts.

If you follow Eric in the social media ether you’ll realize right away he is sincere, funny and very supportive of the Philadelphia tech community. He’s an all-around good guy well-versed in everything from academics to Atari. You’ll also notice he proudly wears his heart on his iron-clad exoskeleton’s arc reactor, so there is much vibranium to mine when it comes to the successes and failures of a romantic young lad.

“…and poor Andrew, his week has been a rough one. His former bestseller, Chasing Fireflies, is on clearance at Barnes & Noble for $1.37, his girlfriend left him for a corporate America action figure, and he’s been tricked into joining Textual Healing, a support group for writers who can’t seem to write anymore.”

Buy: $15.99

More: www.ericsmithrocks.com

A Book of Jean’s Own from Jean Teasdale on Vimeo.

Who is Jean Teasdale? Um, besides being the true voice of the heartland (real America), she is also one the greatest writers of our generation.

“Jean Teasdale has been The Onion’s resident humor and human-interest columnist since 1990. In addition to writing, Jean has held more than thirty-five part time jobs, and has been fired from more than thirty. She has been married to tire-technician Richard “Rick” Teasdale for nearly twenty years. Jean resides in the Midwest, where she pursues many varied interests, including collecting figurines, making ghosts out of of facial tissue, and testing out many “as seen on TV” products.”

Buy: $11.00

Follow: @jeanteasdale

I love reading about films that flop and lose a Bentley full of money and ruin an actor’s credibility forever. I’m a bastard that way, much like you. I also enjoy the musings of  A.V. Clubber Nathan Rabin (he’s not a bastard), so I am greatly looking forward to this book. Illustration by Danny Hellman, nice bonus.

My Year of Flops collects dozens of the best-loved entries from Rabin’s avclub.com column along with loads of bonus features. These include interviews with talent from the films chronicled, a new introduction and postscript, illustrations by Danny Hellman and fifteen new entries on everything from notorious flops like The Cable Guy and The Last Action Hero to bizarre obscurities like Gospel Road, Johnny Cash’s homemade tribute to Jesus.

Paperback, Released October 2010

Preorder Now: $12.60

More: www.avclub.com

Junk Mail: Just got Sex: Our Bodies, Our Junk in the mail. Yup, had to order online, I was too ashamed to buy it in the bookstore during my weekly visit to pick up OK!, People and Asian Lady Holz. Since ripping open the package 2 hours ago, I’ve been hiding from my family, reading and enjoying the hell out of this very funny and highly uninformative sex manual. The book is jam-packed full of sexy, hairy nuggets of info and advice separated into short, easy-to-digest segments, perfect for the sporadic reader. It was researched and written by The Association For The Betterment of Sex aka Scott Jacobson, Todd Levin, Jason Roeder, Mike Sacks, and Ted Travelstead (writers for esteemed shows and mags like Conan, Daily Show, The Onion, Esquire, Vanity Fair) with additional morsels provided by Andy Richter, Allison Silverman and Jon Wurster.

If you’re a fan of finely-tuned parody, stellar design and highly-detailed illustrations of mushroom-shaped penises, this book is a must. Sample:

…or the do’s and don’ts of fisting at high altitudes. Or whether it’s still considered safe to store your condoms in Barbicide. Sexual truth is never a constant—it varies from one mature, engorged partner to the next. It’s up to you to decide what turns you on and what gives you AIDS.  We’re here not to judge you but to guide you. To gently take your hand while you’re having sex and to sit on a bedside stool, patiently waiting for you to finish.

It’s the perfect coffee table book. If your coffee table is located in the seldom-used, third floor bathroom.

Buy: Sex: Our Bodies, Our Junk

Promo: Video

Follow The Authors: @ourbodiesourj @toddlevin @trumpetcake @straintest @michaelbsacks @jasonsroeder

Parade of Frightening T-Shirts: Intrepid UsedWigs and Huff Post reporter SM Shrake went deep undercover to the Beck Rally and snapped some lovely photos! He also documented his day of hunting the big fat tee shirts. It’s a good read, and you might be surprised by his take on the participants.

Mr. Clapton, Me, too.

Ha Ha! Enjoy a great video of Scott Weiland and his dumb megaphone falling off the stage during a concert. Somehow, he was able to keep singing without missing a note… wait a minute… is that a backing track? Best fall since Frasier ate it. (via eachnotesecure)

Emmy Thought #1: I’d love to see Jim Belushi in this show… dressed as his dead brother and smashing Jimmy Fallon’s guitar.

Emmy Thought #2: Emily Deschanel is the sister that doesn’t sing, right? I thank her for that.

Emmy Thought #3: Fake confusion and fake anger for winning is always endearing. Nice job, Soprano mom.

Looking for a Social Media job? Need to prepare with some extremely unhelpful interview questions?

Great & Sad & Heartbreaking & Inspiring: Please, please please read this. If you’re a parent or a just human who enjoys incredibly well-written and emotional stories, this should move you: A Supposedly Fun Thing I Would Do Again in a Second. Thanks to @caissie

Free MP3! Versus is back and serves up two beauties (via Magnet). Download: “Gone to Earth” and “Invincible Hero”

Bad Ads: Give Golden Corral credit, they use people with real buffet aficionado bodies in their ads. So you know who you’re up against when vying for the ham.

Scary Good Art! Monster Friends Poster Series by Family Tree Design! The Sasquatch, The Kraken, a Yeti and this cute fella…

See all four!

Low Bridge: 13 Crashes in 13 Months “This is a compilation of the 13 crashes from April 2008 to May 2009 at the Gregson St RR trestle in Durham. The soundtrack is by Killer Filler.”

“Now, for the first time, Cross is weaving his media mockery, celebrity denunciation, religious commentary and sheer madness into book form, revealing the true story behind his almost existential distaste of Jim Belushi (The Belush), disclosing the up-to-now unpublished minutes to a meeting of Fox television network executives, and offering up a brutally grotesque run-in with Bill O’Reilly.” – Publishers Weekly

Price: $16.31

Buy: Amazon

“It traces the evolution of the show from its inspiration in the civil rights movement through its many ups and downs – from Nixon’s trying to cut off its funding to the rise of Elmo – via the remarkable personalities who have contributed to it.”

“Davis spins an evocative, insidery tale out of the wildly creative personalities and political ups and downs of the cozily delivered show.” — Washington Post

Price: $12.00

Buy: www.amazon.com

Music nerds and art lovers unite! Enjoy 140 of Ryan’s best color illustrations promoting some of your favorite bands with his signature muted colors and whimsical edge. Steve Albini puts it best, “Jay Ryan takes the germ of an idea and makes it uniquely great. His genius is in knowing what matters and what doesn’t… His genius is in having the image matter.”

Price: $23

Buy: www.thebirdmachine.com or www.akashicbooks.com

Also Check Out: 100 Posters, 134 Squirrels

Yay for another book of amusing lists! It’s kinda like reading, but fun: 13 particularly horrible fast-food innovations, 24 great films too painful to watch twice, 10 Great Songs Nearly Ruined by Saxophone, 11 video games that prompted fear and outrage, and 100 More Obsessively Specific Pop-Culture Lists!

Price:$12.50

Buy Here: www.amazon.com

Our book “Quality Workday Distraction” is now available on Amazon and I am very excited. I just hi-fived the photos of Noam Chomsky and Matt Rolloff on my wall. Anyway, I know some of you have purchased, borrowed and even skimmed through the book (we all go potty now and then, am I right people?), so would you be so kind to write a small review on my Amazon page:

Amazon Book Link

(if you haven’t read my book, just think of something really, really funny and write about that in the review. Just replace “Funny Guy Dancing Video” with “Quality Workday Distractions.”)

Currently the Amazon page is pretty darn bare and the book is real sad and could use some encouragement. And since you’ll be visiting my Amazon page, you might want to press that super fun “Add to Cart” button. The book loves to go there and become an affordable, sensible gift for someone you truly love and or admire.

Only $13.95

More Book Info: UsedWigs New Book: “Quality Workday Distractions”