Originally posted 2/23/11, updated 1/7/12.

Remember when comedian Dave Hill came to Philly last February at Connie’s Ric Rac and the March before that at the World Cafe Live during the UsedWigs Live Show and blew the doors off? And remember how much your sides, belly and palms hurt from laughing and high-fiving your pals during Dave’s killer set? Yeah, that was crazy! Well guess what laugh lovers? Dave is coming back to Philly this Thursday, January 12th, at the Tin Angel because he loves this city so god-damned much. UsedWigs pals, ball-busting Nikki Walter and the always elegant Daniel Eastman, will also be performing. A few tickets are still available, get em now.

I asked Dave what are his five favorites things about Philly. Here are the top 5 of the 73 answers he supplied.

1. That really big mural of Dr. J on that one building:

I have never really followed basketball, but I still totally know who Dr. J is and I think it’s really great that there is a seriously large painting of him on the side of a building right there in your town where pretty much anybody can roll up on him any time they want and just say to themselves or whoever else is with them at the moment “Look — there’s Dr. J, the famous basketball player, a man we still talk about to this day. Talk about scoring points — he was great at it.” I also like that Dr. J is dressed in a cool suit in this mural. It’s like he’s just hanging out or something, instead of dressed up in one of his professional basketball outfits. This makes him seem more approachable to me, even though he is two stories high and if a person were ever really that big they could crush you without even thinking about it.

2. This one store I went to:

A couple years ago, I got dim sum (the popular Chinese brunch-like meal) with my friend Maria (who pretty much just bitched about how much she hated Chinese food the whole time. Whatever.) Afterward, we wandered around town and happened upon this one store that sold all sorts of cool stuff. The guy who ran the store told us there was a whorehouse next door, which made us giggle. Anyway, I can’t remember the name of the store, but it had a stuffed hyena in it. Odds are they are out of business by now as the hyena wasn’t for sale and you can’t exactly have a hyena in your store and not expect everyone to want to buy it a whole lot more than anything else you might be selling. Anyway, I did end up buying something else anyway, specifically a DVD of a French movie called “Don’t Deliver Us From Evil,” which is about a couple French schoolgirls who decided to align themselves with Satan instead of listening to the nuns at their school, who are total bitches. As you can probably imagine, that one pretty much writes itself. The nuns lez out, the two Satany girls kill some guy with a log, and they even set themselves on fire at the end. In short, it pretty much has everything. Run, don’t walk, to see this movie.

3. Terry Gross:

I like that Terry Gross, host of the popular “Fresh Air” public radio program, is living right there in your town. I’ve never met Terry (what I call her), but I love the idea that by coming to Philadelphia it suddenly becomes a possibility that I might run into her, cool glasses and all, in her natural habitat. And if that ever happened, I’d probably just say “Hey, Terry. You want to go get a sandwich or something?” Most people probably would have stopped at saying hello. Not me though — I swing for the fences.

4. A low tolerance for bullshit:

Whenever I step off the train and into the train station in Philadelphia (You know —  the one featured in the hit movie “Witness” starring Kelly McGillis in the role of a lifetime and I think she takes her top off at one point) and then out into the streets of Philadelphia, one of the first things I am struck by is how much the people of Philadelphia pretty much have no time for bullshit. I wish I could say the same for the people of Baltimore. Those people are so crazy for bullshit it’s not even funny. Crab cakes at a baseball game? Bullshit. Get over yourselves, Baltimorians. Anyway, that shit and a lot of other shit would never fly in Philly because pretty much everyone there hates bullshit. And I love that they hate bullshit, because I hate bullshit too. When I come to Philadelphia this weekend, I hope to round up a bunch of Philadelphians and just stand around with them while giving the finger to bullshit in all its forms. It’s gonna be pretty great.

5. Non-cheesesteak food options:

A lot of people think cheesesteaks are the only food item available in Philadelphia. This is crazy. I’ve had all sorts of food here and it was delicious. And guess what- none of it was cheesesteaks. In fact, you know what? Fuck cheesesteaks- they are doing fine without me. Another thing is that Questlove lives in Philadelphia. He is a great drummer with great hair, which is great for him and a lot of other people. One time I played a show in Philadelphia with the Walter Schreifels Band at Chuck Treece’s rock club/arts facility place. Questlove was there and I was excited to tell everyone how Questlove was there but then he left. I have other stories. Not about Questlove, but stories in general.

More:

• Keep Twitter Funny: Follow Dave Hill, Todd Barry and Jon Wurster
• Interview with Dave Hill
• @mrdavehill

Referees from Robert Barocci on Vimeo.

Your much-needed sports b-ball fix!

“During a timeout, two college basketball referees discuss the finer points of bringing their off-court hang-ups to bear on their on-court performance.”

Hooray for Ted!

Just two ten dollar bills? That’s an insanely good bargain! If it wasn’t for the talent that is Eli Braden, you would have to pay tens of thousands of American dollars to a team of Weird Al’s to create the high-quality, catchy-as-all-get-out, custom jingles that spew from the throat (and dark black heart) of this man.

Eli just created a Song for UsedWigs Radio Podcast (click link to hear or play below) and thanks to this jaunty jingle, we are now top of the charts and millionaires!

Seriously, check out Eli’s work and enjoy or get yourself a song.

Subscribe/Download: iTunes

Web: asongaday.libsyn.com

Twitter: @elibraden

Pictured: Brian Seymour and Rich Kaufmann at L’etage!

Topics: Food Trucks, Facebook Faux Pas, Email Nudity, Cafe Press Junk, New Music Tuesday, Vinyl & Cassettes & 8-Tracks, “Kink Drink!”, Playing Music in China, Living in a Geodesic Dome, Touring in a Van and The Never-Ending Need to Rock!

Playlist: “Ruby,” “Speak to Me of Young Love” (live), “Coffee Song” (live) and “Every Tomorrow” all by Brian Seymour.

Play Now: http://www.usedwigs.com/pod/podcast88.mp3

iTunes: Download, Listen and Subscribe

Brian’s new CD, “Speak to Me of Young Love”, features twelve new songs. Record Release Parties at the Living Room in NYC on October 1st and at Tin Angel in Philly on November 3rd!

Website: www.usedwigsradio.com

Guests: Comedian & designer Doogie Horner and writer & myth maker Maggie Serota.

Topics: Monster-Mash Genre, Hot Tub Accidents, Summer Jobs, Boardwalk Panther Tattoos, Urban Legends, Right Said Fred, Beach Cleaning, Comedian Walk-Up Music, Book Cover Design, America’s Got Talent, Last Comic Standing, Working out New Material, Friday The 13^th Part IV, Manic Pixie Girls, Alan Alda, Celebrity Impersonators, Shirt Tucking and Danzig.

Playlist: “New Year” by FM Belfast, “Wild in The Streets” by Circle Jerks, “Concrete And Clouds” by Kevin Devine.

Play Now: http://www.usedwigs.com/pod/podcast86.mp3

iTunes: Download, Listen and Subscribe

Maggie Serota photo by Mindy Tucker

Related Links:

• Doogie Horner
• Daily Urban Legend
• KGB Yard Sale
• Danzig
• @maggieserota
• @DoogieHorner
• Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter
• Ministry of Secret Jokes
• How to Survive a Horror Movie
• Pride and Prejudice and Zombies
• Android Karenina
• I.Q.
• To Kill a Clown

Maggie Serota photo by Mindy Tucker

Good news! Philly’s most fancy crepe-slinging venue L’etage asked us back after our very successful first show. Better news! Beloved Philly comedian and flowchart maven Doogie Horner and Philly-bred/Brooklyn-livin’ writer and myth maker Maggie Serota will be joining us for our next podcast recording session on Tuesday, July 19th! You should join us too because:

1. Our guests are very fun and funny.
2. L’etage has a curtained-off section devoted to making out.
3. Todd will do the show from a baby pool.
4. It’s 100% Free!

Hope to see you there!

Tuesday, July 19, 2011 – 8:30pm
L’etage
624 South 6th Street
Philadelphia, PA 19147

Show Prep:

• Doogie Horner
• Daily Urban Legend
• UsedWigs Radio Podcast 85: Guests Dave Hill and Nikki Walter

Video: Press Conference: Ford Taps Doug  as 2012 Focus Spokesperson

“Well, pretty pants…” Up until the moment Paul F. Tompkins’ voice boomed from the mouth of this delightful little orange fella, I pretty much hated all puppets (non-Muppet puppets that is, oh and Triumph the Insult Comic Dog, of course).

I am now a Doug the Puppet fan, and dare I say a 2012 Ford Focus fan. These commercials directed by Paul Feig are really funny and make good use of Tompkins’ refined yet aggressive delivery. Watch them all. You can even follow Doug on Twitter (@FocusDoug) and read the tweets aloud doing your best PFT impression (put on bow tie and a natty steam punkish outfit first to get in the mood).

Now that I am assisting in a multi-tiered viral marketing campaign (I used the phrase “2012 Ford Focus” like three times) for the 10th largest American corporation I fully expect to be compensated with — at the very least — a Ford Fiesta.

Todd Barry and Darren Aronofsky: The Original Black Swan from Darren Aronofsky

The ever-humble Todd Barry battles Darren Aronofsky’s mustache for funniest character in “The Deli Manager” (also starring actress Natalie Portman of “Mars Attacks!” fame).

“Uh, excuse me…did someone here order the time of their life?!” – @trumpetcake

I know a lot of you still don’t use Twitter because you think it’s a colossal waste of time teeming with nothing but “I’m so busy! LOL!” and “I’m still so busy! LOLZ!” updates. Very true. But if you’re into wasting time and enjoy a tee-hee or two, you might want to give Twitter a look see. You don’t need to tweet (congrats on the self-restraint), you can just have the window open while you’re attacking that spreadsheet and glance over every now and then to ingest a delicious amuse-bouche of entertainment.

If you choose who to follow wisely, you can keep your Twitter feed a mundane-free zone. Stay away from celebrities (unless they’re insane), athletes, social media guys and the “gurus” in your field, most are pedantic bores who define the popular hash tag #humblebrag.

I stick with comedy writers, music geeks and funny friends. Sample: @jonwurster, @elibraden, @trumpetcake, @NikkiGlaser, @toddbarry, @meganamram, @MorganCline, @apocalypsehow, @toddmarrone, @wadetoblack, @comedyminusone, @maggieserota, @girlwithatail, @turbograndma, @goose, @meechone, @TheBiggIdea, @anthonydevito to name a few. #FF the crap out of them!  Here’s a streaming lists of tweets from some of the humorous people we follow on Twitter: Quality Tweets of The Day!

You can also follow us. We’re good for about 5-10 tweets a day of varying quality. Feel free to boo us (unfollow) or shower us with praise (retweet). Here’s a sampling of the sweet and salty nuggets we’re providing on Twitter:

• Still no replacement microwave in our office. How long do I need to sit on this bag of mashed potatoes before it’s done?
• Just started using Apple’s video FaceTime, neat! Lighting in this bathroom stall is not good though, sorry Aunt Ethel!
• I miss the days when people drove faster (and safer) not slower (and textier).
• It’s a fact, men pee in the shower sometimes. I just wish the guys at the gym wouldn’t get so upset about it.
• I found 20 bucks in some jeans this morning. Pickpocketing on the train is easier than I thought.
• If I was transported to the Little House on The Prairie, I’d be dead in 2 hours. Wagon crash, churning accident, TB, boredom, take your pick.
• Excited for the post-game episode of Glee. They’re doing all Black Eyed Peas songs… and Slash plays the new kid.
• I’m very disappointed with my hand, it keeps shoving French Toast Sticks in my face. Not happy with my mouth either.
• My 6-year-old’s birthday party was a success but the tattoo artist was a waste of $. None of the kids were cool enough to get one.
• I define “classy” as not having beach towels mixed in with your bath towels.
• Sometimes I get sad thinking Billy Crystal still has some baseball stories from his youth he hadn’t shared with us.
• Jason Statham currently reading a script about a transgendered quadriplegic who teaches art.. KIDDING! It’s a about a hit man.
• We don’t have a fireplace so I go snuggle up in front of the one at Panera. Tho I must remember to keep my bathrobe closed.

More: Keep Twitter Funny: Follow Dave Hill, Todd Barry and Jon Wurster

Keep in Touch:

See ya Tuesday for crepes, cocktails and some fine performances. From Todd:

Join Team UsedWigs as we welcome DC correspondent, SM Shrake, back to the Philadelphia stage to host a very special Holiday installment of StorySlam. I can’t think of a better way to usher out the old year.

Tuesday, December 28, 8:30 – 10:30 PM
L’Etage
624 South 6th St. Philadelphia, PA

What is StorySlam? That’s easy:

Winner of “Best in Philly,” First Person StorySlams are monthly, real-life-storytelling competitions held at World Cafe Live and L’Etage in Philadelphia. Each month’s theme elicits stories that come from the life experiences of Philly’s storytellers. Who are these local tale spinners? Everyone with a story and a little sense of competition is encouraged to participate – that means YOU!

Enjoy this fun interview with Scott Shrake by Natalie Hope McDonald!