Please come to this week’s Story Slam! Topic: “My Unfinished Novel Won’t Write Itself!”

“Shhhh… we’re tracking a sasquatch on a fixed-gear mountain bike.”

“Today’s episode of This American Life explores smile haters.”

“Um, we’re lost. Which way to Hello Giggles website?”

“Who installed the fuck out of this Ikea Månljüs pendant lamp? That would be us. We installed the fuck out of this Ikea Månljüs pendant lamp.”

Beard Depot! All Shapes, All Sizes!

To get away from all the tension, Fergus thinks about his happy place, Puppytown Junction, just like his therapist told him to do.

“Correct, St. Peter greets people up there and we’re the gate keepers down here. Welcome, friend!”

“Sometimes my guitar doesn’t want to play my songs and it tries to drive away.”

Available for weddings, parties, funerals…

The Glumdrops

“Look at me, I am a bass player. Please enjoy this visual joke, America!”

“Let’s do a Meet The Beatles thing, but make sure the Rick looks super tiny and stupid. Ya know, because he missed practice again.”

“Does anyone have a washboard and plectrum banjo Josiah and Annabelle can borrow?”

“Chloé, If the label wants us to change our name to ADORBS, I say we do it… because we are… let’s own it.”

“Help, how do you use Levels in Photoshop?”

Ghost Hunters: Brooklyn

“Come to our show mutherfuckers! We’re $30 away from getting Køng his own leather jacket!”

Come for our artisanal cheeses, stay for our six-pronged mandolin assault.

Yup, a V-neck with buttons. Deal with that mutherfuckers!

Grand Opening Sale-a-bration at the new Zero Dollar Store!

Support Y107′s Morning Hosts Grumpy and Pit Stain during this year’s “Stand-a-thon!”

“Thank you guys soooo much for your support!! Hugz and Luvz to all our fans!”

“Are you there God? It’s me… trying to look like you.”

And there they sat for hours in silence, all refusing to take responsibility for forgetting the picnic basket and Frisbee.

“Um Blythe, are you sure this is where the tweet said the Peruvian Barbeque Taco Truck would be parked?”

“Wake me if I get interesting.”

The Joy Less Club

Pukulele

“We will do whatever it takes to distract you from the music we play poorly.”

“Jonas calls them bottom burps, I call them not funny.”

“My fantasy football team’s poor performance is worrisome.”

“Hi, just taking a break. We’re chasing an angel through the forest. Have you seen her?”

“FOUND HER!!!!”

“Shhh… if we bag this one, we eat for a month!”

“Let me be perfectly clear Willem, you WILL wear this hoodie-shirt I made you on stage and you WILL mention my Etsy store name!”

“When Boston Bruins playoff  tickets go on sale, we’re ALWAYS first in line! ALWAYS! And no cutsies!”

Questions? Wake up one of our Sunglass Hut professionals for assistance!

Watch out Banksy, it’s Wanksy!

“What’s that Mr. Photographer? You want pensive? How does 300,000 mother-fucking kilowatts of pensive intensity sound?”

“If you must know, we find the all the “NO” responses to our Margarita Happy Hour Evite quite troubling.”

“Ladies and gents, give it up for Pop Pop and The Pouty Pouters!”

“Damian, it was actually quite simple. I used a Reveal All Layer Mask on Chambliss with the Gradient Tool set to Transparent. Also, I used Photoshop’s new Dour filter on the  top three layers. Easy Peasy!”

“If you’re happy and you know it, you’re out of this band! clap clap!”

“Colton… Jarrod… is she gone yet? I’m afraid to look.”

“Yes, I feel country and yes I feel feminine. Just take the damn photo.”

“Shhhh… guess whose breath is atrocious?”

“Thanks Miriam, now no one will notice my new fob watch.”

Darthikhus mumbles “Ringlets, much?” while looking at KhurchBurner’s new hairdo. SoulStainz stifles a laugh.

“I’m not mad, I just can’t believe you watched ‘Mike & Molly’ without me.”

Frosted Tips only $19.95 now at SupeCuts!

“Don’t you think for one second we don’t know the difference between the berries you CAN eat and the kind you CAN’T!”

“We like the same things!!! BFFz!!!”

This photo is pretty close to being cool… here, let me just add something…

Perfect!

I bet she could try a little harder to get noticed. Knee cymbals?

Listen you creeps, stop the disappointed staring thing. I will say it just one more time, “I’m not investing in your hemp clothing line!!”

The one-man white guy drumline is the worst kind of drumline.

“Buy four oxfords, get one free bow tie!  Only at Lord Sullenton’s High Street Haberdashery.”

Oh how I wish this was Camp Crystal Lake.

Trevor mistakenly left the tent and fishing poles in the driveway.

“My wrinkled shirt makes me feel despondent and ashamed. Lars, please smile for both of us.”

“Dammit Simon! I CANNOT believe you just got us kicked out of Silly People Camp!”

“We are being cuter than you ever thought humanly possible, right? This was totally Gypsum and Nate’s idea!”

“Your move, Bonnie Prince Billy!”

“May I please borrow your lawn mower?”

“Join our fight against the Dharma Initiative and we promise to get you off this island.”

“Fuck you forest, we’re gonna chop down another too.”

“We are so in a fight right now.”

“I am so bored with you liking me.”

“Look guyzz, this where stinky homeless people live. Yuckee!”

The featured speakers at your next web design conference.

“Is that our sense of humor on the floor?”
“Yes dear, but don’t pick it up. We have no use for it.”

Watch where you step: Someone threw up filthy hipsters and kitsch all over the stage.

“No, I most certainly will NOT go jet skiing with you!

“I bang on drums!”
“I encourage Conan to make bad music!”

Look, Balki has GarageBand.

Native American Idiot

An accordion makes nothing better.

“I’ve been working out, can I go shirtless, pretty pleeeease!”
“Okay, but you know the rule, drummers in the back.”

“Make no mistake, when I’m done my smoke, your beer pong ass-kicking will commence.”

Pot rap, about as enjoyable as pot comedians.

Photographer: “Your ennui is overwhelming…  perfect!”

Poor bedbugs, having these dirty hippies lying on top of them.

Listen pal, I don’t care who your father was…

“Almost there, still a little too natural and expected, try adding more quirky crap.”

“We’re being ironical, deal with it!”

This makes me hate toys.

Related News

• SPIN Magazine’s Most Regrettable Covers 1985 – 2009
• Cool 70s Celebrity and Rock Photos from Brad Elterman

• Welcome Back Squatter
• See Ya Loiter!
• Café Au Layabout
• The Writer’s Block
• American Idle Cafe
• Room for Mooch
• 30 Chairs, One Outlet
• Grubby McMugger’s Coffee Cove
• Tablesloth’s
• Cup o’ Jobless
• Malingerer’s
• Twitter & Jitter
• O’Dawdle’s
• The Afternoon Abyss
• The Perking Lot
• Space Invaders
• Coma Macchiato’s
• Battery Park
• Dilly-Dally’s
• Couch Slouchers
• The Eternal Sip
• Slackingtons
• Linksys & Linger
• Cap’n Asscramps’ All Day Sit & Stay

Keep in Touch:

More News!

• Social Media Job Interview Questions
• Things Now Sold in My Local Borders Bookstore Besides Books
• Useful Noncommittal Responses
• Photoshop Now Offers “Family Beach Photo” Generator
• Bad Design: The Huffington Post: Making Reading Painful

I was okay with the Time mag cover and glad the little fella got a new gig shortly after, well deserved…

But now I think he’s spreading himself a bit thin…

click photo to enlarge

Photos of TV  is better than TV. Enjoy them all. Thanks, Mike Sacks!

I love this Sharon Van Etten song so much I had to post two videos of it for you to enjoy. To thank me for doing this, simply buy her new record Tramp, it is excellent.

Download MP3: “Serpents” (via Brooklyn Vegan)

Website: Sharon Van Etten

Also, listen to a wonderful interview Maggie Serota did with Sharon on the Low Times podcast, fun and informative.

Tasteful Nudes by Dave Hill: The Incredible Music Video

Yup, Dave Hill wrote a book called “Tasteful Nudes” and it will be making sweet, consensual love to other books (mostly chick lit) on bookstore shelves in May. I read an advanced copy and it’s extremely funny and filled with lots of life-affirming stuff that will inspire you to be a better person, get in shape and take up guitar. Pre-order now!

I never really enjoyed a TEDx talk until this one. Really inspirational, very touching. Starring Ted Travelstead, directed by Scott Jacobson.

Good Luck Everyone: Book Club

Get More Good Luck Everyone with Andrew Condell at andrewcondell.com.

More: @usedwigs

For Fans of: Karl Hendricks, Armchair Martian, Long Winters, Overwhelming Colorfast.

Download: Free MP3 (from Rolling Stone)

Stream CD: music.aol.com

Website: cheapgirls.tumblr.com