• Welcome Back Squatter
• See Ya Loiter!
• Café Au Layabout
• The Writer’s Block
• American Idle Cafe
• Room for Mooch
• 30 Chairs, One Outlet
• Grubby McMugger’s Coffee Cove
• Tablesloth’s
• Cup o’ Jobless
• Malingerer’s
• Twitter & Jitter
• O’Dawdle’s
• The Afternoon Abyss
• The Perking Lot
• Space Invaders
• Coma Macchiato’s
• Battery Park
• Dilly-Dally’s
• Couch Slouchers
• The Eternal Sip
• Slackingtons
• Linksys & Linger
• Cap’n Asscramps’ All Day Sit & Stay

Keep in Touch:

More News!

• Social Media Job Interview Questions
• Things Now Sold in My Local Borders Bookstore Besides Books
• Useful Noncommittal Responses
• Photoshop Now Offers “Family Beach Photo” Generator
• Bad Design: The Huffington Post: Making Reading Painful

Best Performance: Mike, when he dropped his entire burrito on the sidewalk. What a dick move.

Best Words with Friends Game: That time I finally beat Margo (who always cheats, hate her!!).

Best Song: I like that Forster People’s song Emily keeps singing in her cube. She’s got a good voice.

Best Album: That Strokes CD that’s been stuck in my car’s CD changer since 2005.

Best Podcast: The one where the comedian talks to his comedian friend and their other comedian friend barges in and does a funny voice. Hysterical!

Best Twitter: Love @BronxZoosCobra and also the hot chick who is kind of funny, but really hot.

Best Hashtag: #whitepeopleproblems or #askingforafriend

Best Facebook: My old girlfriend’s (guess who’s not hot anymore?!)

Best New Food Truck: Probably the one on 32nd Street that has the $23 hamburger that fat fuck Bob won’t shut up about.

Best Sports: Our softball team, “Bases LOADED”!

Best Movie: Sucker Punch, FTW!

Best Actor: Charlie Sheen, Winning!

Best Actress: Charlie Theron, Winning!

Best TV Show: Auction Lockers

Best Comedian: The divorced guy who hates life and tries to make you feel bad too. Louie Seakay or something? Hysterical! $5!

Best Website: Daytime, definitely Deadspin, I love funny videos. Nighttime, the free p0rn ones.

Best Video: “Friday! Friday! Gettin’ down on Friday!” (ha ha, totally stuck in your head now!)

Best Video Game: Kill Time Sword Hoarder IV: Stabracadabra

Best New Technology: Finally figuring out how to filter Ethan’s emails directly to the trash.

Best Gadget: Flipflop Bottle Opener.

Best Animal: Dog.

Best Friendship: Dog and Orangutan!

Best New Word: Pippa.

Best Hat: Fedora.

Best Actress in a Fedora on NBC: None.

Best Western: The one on Rt. 80, free HBO!

Best Muppet: Tie, Brobee and Flex.

Best Meme: Nap Planking (it’s really just napping)

Best Mimi: Rogers

Best Guy to Grab Some Lunch With: Gary, definitely Gary.

- list compiled by Jarrod Denston, UsedWigs customer service rep trainee

A bit tired of hearing Bruce babbling on about Clarence getting a new sax for Christmas? Us too. Here’s a holly jolly roundup of some little-known originals and some well-known classics done by some of our favorite modern (mostly indie) artists. Have a favorite tune you wish to share? Just Post a Comment (bottom of page) and let us know. Merry Merry!

Boy Least Likely To – “Christmas Isn’t Christmas” -  MP3

The Mynabirds - “All I Want is Truth (For Christmas)” – MP3

Duvall – “Do You Hear What I Hear” – MP3

Sufjan Stevens – “Only at Christmas Time” – MP3
and “That Was the Worst Christmas Ever” – MP3

The Dismemberment Plan – “This Christmas” – MP3

Dream Diary – “Christmas All Over” -  MP3

Mogwai - “Christmas Song” – MP3

Alexi Murdoch – “Silent Night” – MP3

Andrew Dost – “Yeah, I Know, It’s Christmastime” - MP3

Long Winters - “Sometimes You Have to Work on Christmas (Sometimes)” – MP3

Cliff Hillis - “On A Day Like Christmas” – MP3

Belle And Sebastian – “Are You Coming Over For Christmas?” – MP3

Death Cab For Cutie – Christmas (Baby, Please Come Home) – MP3

Centro-Matic – “Fuselage (It’s Starting to Look Like Christmas Once Again)” – MP3

Descendents - “Christmas Vacation” – MP3

The Swimmers – “A Christmas Sound” – MP3

Adam Arcuragi – “The Christmas Song” – MP3

The Flaming Lips – “A Change At Christmas (Say It Isn’t So)” – MP3

Adventures of Jet – “Waiting for Christmas” – MP3

Pearl Jam – “Let Me Sleep” and “Someday at Christmas” – MP3

Snow Patrol – “When I Get Home For Christmas” – MP3

The Pogues & Kirsty MacColl – “Fairytale Of New York” – MP3 – Video

Chomsky – “Christmas Time Is Here” – MP3

The Soft Lightes – The Last Christmas On Earth – Listen here

The Hives & Cyndi Lauper - “A Christmas Duel” – Video

Harvey Danger - “Sometimes You Have to Work on Christmas (Sometimes)” – Video

Aimee Mann – “Calling on Mary” – Video

The Ramones – “Merry Christmas (I Don’t Want to Fight Tonight)” – Video

Low – “Just Like Christmas” – Video

Matt Pond PA – “Snow Day”

Huffamoose – “Hanukkah And Christmas Hand In Hand”

Chris Stamey & Cathy Harrington – “You’re What I Want For Christmas”

Coldplay – “Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas”

Man or Astroman – “Frosty the Snowman”

Blink 182 – “It’s Christmas Time Again”

More Holiday Cheer!

• Holiday Shopping Tips 2010
• Holiday Shopping Tips 2009
• Holiday Shopping Tips 2008

With our schools being overrun with Sophias, Emmas, Jacobs and Ethans, finding new inspiration for naming our children is a must. Look no further than the safe confines of your home. Just open up the cabinets!

• Smucker
• Pam
• Beano
• Dyson
• Oral B.
• Cremora
• Flonase
• Ortega
• Comet
• Summer Eve
• Stouffer
• Drano
• Brawny
• Baco
• Dixie
• Monistat 7
• Swanson
• Charmin
• Borden
• Eukanuba
• Sparkle

Worst Merch Table Ever…

• Nickelback Notebook – $4.99 $3.00
• 3 Doors Down Beer Cozy – $12.95 $2.95
• Traveling Wilburys Throw Blanket – $79.95 $49.95

• Ted Nugent Camouflage Hat – $18.99 14.95
• KISS Wine – $90.00 $72.00
• Maroon 5 Men’s Hot Shorts – $17.95 $13.95

• Steve Miller Joker Pint Glass – $7.95 $5.95
• Bow Wow Cash Money T-Shirt - $14.95 $11.95
• Meatloaf Bandanna – $9.95 $7.45

• John Mayer Musical Sound Poncho – $6.50 $2.00
• John Mellencamp Postcard – $1.95 $1.45
• Barbra Streisand Dog Thermal Hoodie – $29.95 $19.95

• Riverdance ‘Slipperjigs’ Slippers – $25.00 $19.99
• Rod Stewart Babydoll Tee – $24.95 $19.95
• Alan Jackson Georgia License Plate – $9.95 1.95

• John Fogerty Sweatshirt – $24.95 $18.95
• AC/DC Motorcycle Tank Protector – $18.00 $12.00
• John Mayer Weekly Planner – $22.00 $10.00

Coming Soon! Wilco Coffee!

We know you’ll be very busy at SXSW so we’ve supplied you with all the tweets you’ll need beforehand so you can let everyone know what you’re up to (and who you are trying to cozy up to) easily. Just copy, paste and tweet. Oh, and don’t you dare forget the hashtag.

• I can haz The 2011 Chevy Doritos Vagisil #SXSW Road Trip Challenge Live Stream Videochat.
• This burritos are epic! #sxsw
• Damn, I cannot believe this show is sold out too! I thought this badge would get me in anywhere! #sxsw
• Totally agree, HTML5 will cure cancer by 2012. #HTML5 #SXSWi #SXSWiHTML5
• The Freecreditscore.com Band singer is being very difficult during soundcheck. He’s not happy w/ lighting for duet w/Dave Grohl.
• Awesome, #SXSW #Comedy Showcase just set record for most Charlie Sheen jokes delivered in an hour.
• Cool! I just chatted with an influencer! #SXSWi #influenced
• Sorry I missed the 8:00am 50-K #SXSW #Fitness Bike Ride again, late night!! Tomorrow, most def!
• Guyz, hotel overbooked, anyone have any room for me?? #SXSW
• Holy Shit! Harry Knowles just broke the same toilet at Emo’s that Kevin Smith broke last year! #SXSW
• I heard the Michael Ironside Deficiency and Death from a Shove just got signed by ANTI… or maybe it was Merge? #SXSW #Music
• Getting ready for my talk about sustainable design substance experience usability design. Wish me luck. #SXSWi
• I just met that comedian who does that podcast, he seemed pretty miserable. #SXSW #Comedy
• poopin #swsw
• There ain’t no party like a 2011 Monster Energy Drink/TechCrunch/TUAW/Reader Tweet-Up #SXSW Party!
• So good to see Prince William and Kate at The #Oprah #SXSW OWN TV Bash. They seemed so relaxed!
• Just watched another really depressing documentary. LOVED IT! #SXSW #Film
• There’s absolutely NO FOOD left at the NBC Biggest Loser #SXSW Meet-Up event, just sayin
• It’s so true, you really have to own your site content! Great panel! #SXSWi
• First AT&T, now Stupid Fucking Verizon dropping my fucking call again! #SXSW #iPhone
• Eww… Rachael Ray has barbecue sauce on her face again…  #sxsw #feedback
• I KNEW IT! Kim Kardashian is Gwynnie’s surprise guest at The Glee Music Guest Star #SXSW Gleevent.
• Halp! Whats the bllest way too get pukes off an iPad!? #sWsx*xXxzzz

• Toys
• Sacks of Grain
• Timeshare Vacations
• Smart Fortwo Car Two-Packs
• Refurbished Nooks
• Nuova Simonelli Espresso Machines
• Barstools
• Karate Lessons
• Kayaks
• Quidditch Uniforms & Equipment
• Four Loko Lite
• Zunes
• Life-size HBO Celebrity Wax Figures
• Pets
• Rebar
• Twilight© Grand Pianos
• Deep Tissue Massages
• Pottery Kilns
• Kitchen Cabinets
• Tattoos
• Pool Skimmers
• Pajama Jeans
• Motorcycle Insurance
• Prom Dresses
• Grape Presses
• Machetes
• 2.5 inch Fiberglass Insulation
• Falconry Gloves

1. First and foremost, continue to do everything humanly possible to draw attention to myself every time I drive my car.
2. Research funnier horn noises.
3. Never let 18° weather dissuade me from driving around with the top down.
4. If necessary, drive around the block 43 times in order to get that high-visibility parking spot right in front of the pizza/ice cream shop in the center of town.
5. Heed members’ advice and keep my “Tail Light History, Installation and Maintenance Tips” talks to a maximum of 50 minutes at car club meetings.
6. Remind Helen “It’s none of her damn business what I do at swap meets!”
7. Call doctor if you-know-what lasts more than 4 hours.
8. Continue to ridicule Studebaker Stan for the hilarious “Wash Me” that appeared on his dirty windshield back in 2007.
9. Buy more jackets that match the color of my car.
10. DO NOT, and I repeat DO NOT, let that stupid Brownie troop’s “Flowers & Fun” wagon float upstage me again in town’s Fourth of July Parade!

• Official Tea Party merchandise now available! Children’s Tea Party Set. $17.76. Colors: white only.
• iPad “Car Steering Wheel Controller” app now $4.99.
• Amazon Deal of The Day! WikiLeaks Audio Box Set as read by Icky Woods.
• Open car doors at busy shopping centers offer great opportunities for serious savings.
• Avoid crowds by shopping in the discounted Halloween Decorations aisle only.
• Slightly injured “Spider-Man: The Musical” action figures 40% off at Rite-Aid.
• DO NOT make eye contact or acknowledge the senior greeters. They WILL follow you home.
• Play-Doh now comes in beige, berber and other rug-friendly colors.
• “Royal Wedding” MP3 by Billy Idol (sung to tune of “White Wedding”) now $1.99. Proceeds go to the Queen’s Dumb Hat fund.
• Try a cyber-gift! Retweeting a friend is now valued at $1,000 per tweet.
• Staging a one-person flash mob performance of “Cool Rider” in a crowded mall is a great shopping stress reliever.
• Banned in many book stores, “Bullying for Dummies” is still available at the FOX News online store.
• A $25 Starbucks gift card is the perfect way to say, “Have two coffees on me!”
• Facebook Press introduces first how- to book: “Hints, Tips and Advanced Trickery to Make Your Profile Photo Appear Sexy!”
• Giving “15% Off First Visit” coupons for psychotherapy to family members is always appreciated.
• Paula Deen’s Pork Fat Perfume available everywhere south of Delaware.
• Just like Oprah said, your friends could always use an extra book in their bathrooms.
• Don’t forget to tip your postmen, your trash collectors, your barbers, your stylists, your baby-sitters, your baristas, your pastors, your personal trainers, your doormen, your urologists, your meter maids, your auto mechanics, your state senators and your favorite astronauts.

More Holiday Cheer!

• Favorite Modern Holiday/Christmas Songs
• Holiday Shopping Tips 2009
• Holiday Shopping Tips 2008

The Mathletes Club here at UsedWigs High have compiled a classroom full of actors who were well past their teenage years when they portrayed high-schoolers on the big and small screens. Age calculations are based on when the film was released or the year the character debuted on the TV show. The information was gleaned from IMDB.com.

Update! “Vic Morrow was 26 and Sidney Poitier was 28 when The Blackboard Jungle was released.”

Before you fire off the “Hey, dummy you forgot….” email, there are hundreds of 23-, 24- and 25-year-old actors who played teens and we certainly can’t list them all here. I’m sure there’s some creepy website out there devoted to this nonsense. Google it

More News!

• Useful Noncommittal Responses
• Social Media Job Interview Questions
• Hollywood Height Chart
• Appropriate Names for Coffee Shops with Free Wi-Fi