We all know in our hearts that Facebook is “over,” so as a kind of nostalgia I wanted to post some rules I made up a while ago for those who were just discovering the ’Book. I hope something replaces Facebook soon so life can have meaning again. New thing, please! Thank you. Meanwhile: 1. [...]

One large credit card bill will make you sad, so open a new card at each store you go to, including Cinnabon and Christmas City. Do not shop online. Somalis will hijack your credit card info. The Purell Dispenser/Ambulance Transformer is the season’s must-have toy. The online discount promo code for John Mayer’s new CD is “$UPERDOUCHE” Gift receipts show a lack of confidence in your purchases. Do not give them out. And more!!

Hungry for some tasty, low-cal distractions before the big holiday? Here’s a bowl of some cheese-filled trivia nuggets to feed your ever-expanding pop culture belly: 50 Best Restaurants in The World, Longest Running TV Shows, Most Expensive Domain Names; Largest Roller Coaster Drops, Most Expensive Photographs Ever Sold, World’s Fastest Drummers, Top-Selling Video Games Of All Time & More

DON’T YOU DARE! PLEASE DO! “Wolverine” – There’s nothing sadder at a party than watching a flabby guy in a white tank top with long scraggly sideburns and chopsticks taped to his knuckles trying to make time with the ladies. “Teen Wolf Too” – Chicks love wolves, that’s a cold hard fact, but some like [...]

“Twins Whose Weight Must Total 1,800 Pounds” Fat is definitely the new thin, but these look-alikes really push the envelope (full of cake into their mouths) as they see-saw back and forth but try to maintain an even 1,800 pounds between them. Who gets to gain the extra pounds this week, and who must lose that same amount? It’s double-trouble!

Lots of famous actors have brothers who lack the talent gene and that’s why we don’t hear about them. But this is not a perfect world and some crafty siblings ride their brother’s coattails straight through the gates of the studio lots and we’re forced to learn their names. Let’s take a look at some of these less-than-famous bros and size them up.

Headline writers addicted to plays-on-words, e.g., “Bonfire of the Profanities,” “Days of Swine Flu and Roses,” “Life Imitates Fart”—especially when there is no valid connection between the original thing being punned and the subject matter of the article.

Sometimes when a really old celebrity dies, people say, “I guess I didn’t realize [he/she] was still alive! Is that a mean thing to say?” Well, call me mean or not, here are some of those people. The ones sitting in God’s waiting room. (These are just the ones I find surprising, in descending order of surprisingness. I’d better hurry up and publish this list, it could become superannuated at any minute! God forbid.)

Headlines ripped from the pages of our book Quality Workday Distractions, available now for gift giving! Remember, comedian Jim Gaffigan says, “UsedWigs.com is like the bacon of the internet. Mmm. UsedWigs.”

Whether you’re packing a light saber or a light switch, you really shouldn’t prance about in public donning this skimpy male bathing suit (especially you Canadian gents on the Jersey Shore). Speedos go by many different names on many different beaches across the globe — each term painting a picture more unsavory than the next. Here’s a list of some old favorites and some new gems.