“Hey bad guy, you point your little stick at me and say some silly old-timey words (Excelsior!), then I’ll point my stick at you and say some silly old-timey words. Repeat 1,000 times. One of us will eventually die. (It will be you, book says so.)”

I never really thought about it, or could afford to do it, but damn, cocaine sure looks like fun. The white crystalline alkaloid extracted from coca leaves brings people together and with all that ritualistic communal partaking, I can think of about 6 awesome snorting games right off the bat. I’m just saying, how could you not enjoy something where “stomachs are tables” and fights with fish weapons break out? Also, this powdery goodness is the fuel in the tank of the highest-earning actor on TV today. So cash in that 401k that’s burning a hole in your pocket and ask the sketchy guy at your favorite bar where you can score some… wait, I just watched the entire trailer and I now see the dark side. Oh boy…. sorry….

This movie is in fact a cautionary tale and one we should show our kids posthaste. We must get the message across: Drugs are BAD because you will always end up being chased, a lot, and you get enough stupid exercise in gym class.

Kudos to the award-winning Philly film crew The Nectar of the Gods for tackling an important topic and doing it with style, grace, humor and of course the gratuitous shots of topless men we’ve come to expect from their work.

More: The Nectar of the Gods

Follow: @TNOTG, @Goose, @TheCline, JManSays, @nicdarling

I tire easily of creaky old heavy metal bands prancing about on stage in the same silly outfits they wore thirty years ago, but I still love Motörhead and the always enthusiastic and never out-of-style, Lemmy. In addition to being a groundbreaking bad ass, he’s a very funny chap who could not love his job more. If you’re a fan of gravel chomping punk bands like me (Leatherface, Hot Water Music, old Jawbreaker), I’m sure Lemmy is cool with you too.

This film looks solid despite the unnecessary fawning from Dave Grohl, Vincent Furnier and girl from Poison.

Website: www.lemmymovie.com

The Switch – Like it or not, Jennifer Aniston movies will always be made. Even if her next 3 movies earn $30 each and secret phone tapes are released of her saying Haiti deserved it, Hollywood will not stop putting this Friend in films. Why? Because Brad Pitt wronged her and she deserves to be in as many films as she likes and date as many of her costars as she can. It’s only fair.

More: How Jennifer Aniston Chooses a Film

In theaters: August 20th, 2010

Due Date – Looks like Alan Garner & Iron Man have remade Planes, Trains & Automobiles (sans planes & trains). Looks fun enough.

In theaters: November 5th, 2010

Skyline – What, not even a glimpse of the aliens? These space creatures better be the coolest, scariest, anal-probingest, bad-ass muther-effers ever created in the history of sci-fi cinema because this premise is completely overcooked and overdone (Signs, District 9, War of the Worlds, Independence Day)  and this trailer is a complete snoozer.

In theaters: November 12th, 2010

Black Swan – Single White Female + Mommie Dearest + evil skin rashes + that weirdo Darren Aronofsky = I’ll be confused at the end and not really satisfied. More importantly, Natalie Portman is hotter then the “That 70′s Show” chick. Just thought I’d nip that argument in the bud.

In theaters: December 1st, 2010

Let Me In – This is an American remake of the brilliant, blood-chilling Norwegian kid vampire film Let The Right One In. You can tell a Hollywood marketing exec got his paws on it by the injection of that atrocious, nu metal garbage music in the trailer. Save your money and just rent the original, there is no way on earth it can be better than the original. The pool scene still haunts my dreams.

In theaters: October 1st, 2010

The Next Three Days – And the “Giving 95% of the Film Away in Stupid Trailer” award goes to… Could you have at least kept us in the dark about whether Russel Crowe is able to break his daughter out of jail? What’s that? Liz Banks is supposed to be his wife? Creepy.

In theaters: November 19th, 2010

Hey Philly, remember last year when that big old Hollywood movie was filming here and we were mildly excited to stalk see Reese Witherspoon, Paul Rudd, Jack Nicholson and that Wilson brothers (Mookie, I believe)? And remember no one really knew what the film was about? Well, sadly, now we know.

It’s about good-looking, bland white people being bland and white. Two guys, one cupcake. Who will she pick? I’m guessing one of them. I don’t think we care. Hopefully Rudd’s reliable humor and Reese’s reliable chin will keep us entertained while we watch and say, “Hey, there’s that swanky place in Philly we never go to” and “Yeah, she is kind of looking more and more like Amy Poehler.”

One thing I know for sure, it won’t be the greatest WitherRudd film ever. Because this exists:

“They’ve got 24 hours to stop a package, prevent a disaster,
and fall in love.”

Spoiler Alert: They did not stop the package and both died before they fell in love. The package contained extra-large, face-eating fire ants.

]]> http://usedwigs.com/how-do-you-know-trailer/feed/ 2 http://usedwigs.com/rush-doc/ http://usedwigs.com/rush-doc/#comments Fri, 23 Apr 2010 20:26:26 +0000 Jeff http://usedwigs.com/?p=8908 Rush was the second concert I ever attended so the band and that particular show hold a nice cozy place in my heart. The event also spawned a favorite embarrassing moment from my always-awkward, music-obsessed youth. I was a freshman in high school on this momentous rock occasion and very very excited to see another live show (The Who at JFK Stadium in Philly was my first show, seventh grade, sober the entire show, I swear).]]>

Rush was the second concert I ever attended so the band and that particular show hold a nice cozy place in my heart. The event also spawned a favorite embarrassing moment from my always-awkward, music-obsessed youth. I was a freshman in high school on this momentous rock occasion and was very very excited to see another live show (The Who at JFK Stadium in Philly was my first show, seventh grade, sober the entire show, I swear).

My mom and dad took me, my brother DJ and my buddy Don to see the Canadian rock gods at Radio City Music Hall in NYC. My parents dropped us off at the show and went out to dinner. We were beyond pumped and got to our seats about an hour before the show. I remembering drinking lots of soda, staring at all the older long-haired Rush fans and smelling a smokey, weedy substance (with which I was not familiar). It was sensory overload and I was loving it.

This was the Signals tour for Geddy and the boys, I know this because Don and I bought matching three-quarter sleeve  “Signals” concert T-shirts with the dog-sniffing-hydrant artwork. Yes, they looked insanely cool. That’s also when my love affair with merch tables began. We were proud of our shirts and put them on immediately.

The pride did not subside because we both decided to wear them to school the next day. Awesome move, lady killers.

It was “Walk-a-thon” day at school and all the students plodded along the boardwalk for a few hours to raise money for some cause. Of course Don and I walked together, side by side with a cocksure swagger that could only come from acquiring and wearing our killer matching “Hey fellas, we went to a rock show in the big city and you did not!” concert tees.

We thought we ruled pretty hard until a popular girl walked by and causally asked, “Why are you two wearing matching shirts?”

Before we could respond and defend our ass-kicking attire, she laughed and pointed and laughed again as she rejoined her group of friends, who also partook in the deafening laugh parade.

Don and I looked at each other and said nothing and kept walking. About five minutes later, Don simply said, “Man, she was pretty hot.” I agreed. Nothing more was said. Rush pride was slightly wounded but nowhere near defeated.

Back to the show. Rush live completely floored me, I couldn’t grasp how three guys could perform such amazing music that actually sounded better, more alive and electric, than the recorded versions. I stood on my feet in awe from the opening chords of Spirit of The Radio until the very last encore (Closer to The Heart, I believe). My favorite memory was watching my brother sneak down to the third row, stand on his seat and wildly air-drum for the entire concert. He was a maniac, completely taken over by the emotional feedback on timeless wavelengths, no doubt.

DJ was and still is a very big fan and when I listen to the band, I’m always transported back to our small shared bedroom with giant Rush, Yes and Led Zep posters plastered on every inch of the walls. Two kids kicking back, reading the lyrics of 2112 and flipping vinyl and loading cassettes for hours on end. I also think about how cool my parents were taking us to the show and trusting their little miscreants to behave. It was just one of many cool moves my parents notched up over the years.

While my musical taste quickly changed over to punk and hardcore, I never ever stopped loving Rush. Even during some of their classic missteps: Best Worst Video: “Time Stands Still” by Rush and Aimee Mann.

And I never understand why the ladies ignored this band. Baffling…

- Thanks to greg for the heads up on this film, I’ll be there opening night.

These babies look pretty cool. Just keep them off airplanes… am I right or am I right, folks!

More: trailers.apple.com

In Theaters: May 7, 2010

I like this concept: a comedy that actually looks funny.

More info here, definitely not here.

For kicks, let’s say you are Brett Ratner or McG and you completely lose your shit (yes, even more shit-brained than usual) and you ask one of  those  mouth-breathing apes on “The Hills” (or any of those MTV scripted reality shows) to write and cast your next movie — I know, it’s not so far-fetched — and the ape gleefully agrees.

I’m pretty sure “Takers” is exactly what he would dream up.

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the 1,000th entry in the genre know as  “Just One More Job and We’re Done Forever”  heist flick starring a bunch of automatic weapons, a couple has-beens, some future has-beens and a rapper who wants to use his real name.

I review a lot of dreadful movie trailers on this site and I can’t imagine something topping this dreadfulness.  At least until another SNL character movie hits the screen, “Yeah, Hi Miss Wiig,  Loren loves your nervous talking characters and would love to produce…”

More: www.apple.com

One year ago in the office of Jennifer Aniston’s agent.

Agent: Hiya Jen, thanks for coming in. You look fabulous. I’ve been reading over some scripts and I thought we’d try something different, you know, to keep you career on this great upward trajectory.

Aniston: Um, okay. (on phone, nodding head to agent)

Agent: How about a thriller/action movie?

Aniston: (puts hand over phone) Do I have to run a lot? I can do cute little running in heels, but I’m so not into actually “running” running, like from Terminators and bad guys and stuff.

Agent: Okie doke, no running for Jen, I’ll jot that down. Sad to say, that will preclude you from the action scripts I have. All of them have the female lead running behind the male lead for about 70% of the film. How about horror?

Aniston: Um, nooooo… still trying to get over the “Leprechaun” thing, next.

Agent: Oops! Sorry about that. How about another go at an indie flick? Money’s not great as you know, but possible Oscar bait is always an enticement? I think I have something about a long road trip with aimless souls and a real marketable lesbian vibe. What do ya think?

Aniston: Hmmmmm, filming in some disgusting desert for 6 weeks with budget craft services? Pass.

Agent: Of course, completely understand… okay, how about a…

Aniston: Um, I have a great idea! (she puts down the one) How about “Friends: The Movie”?! Didn’t “Sex in the City” make like a kajillion dollars? We would do so much better. We are so much prettier. I’ve been talking to the others and all of us would love to do it, we’re so excited!

Agent: (mumbles under breath) You’d be the only ones excited…

Aniston: I’m sorry, what?

Agent: Oh, sounds like a WINNER!

Aniston: Yeah, I think it could focus on what happens to Ross and Rachel 5 years later. Hmm, just thinking out loud here, but we’d probably want to recast Schwimmer, he hasn’t aged that well and I think people would find it hard to believe I’d be into him still… thinking maybe Eric Bana, Hugh Jackman or Zac Efron… any of those guys would be dandy. Can we do it? Can we, can we, please, please, please?! (clapping her hands and pursing her lips)

Agent: I will definitely look into.  I’m making a note to call some of the top movie producers in Hollywood as soon as we are done here. (writing doodles on his pad)

Aniston: Yay!

Agent: So, back to your next project. Straight up drama?

Aniston: Boring, not enough cute clothes.

Agent: Gross out comedy?

Aniston: Yuck. Something tells me I’d have to kiss Jack Black or some loser from SNL. Pass.

Agent: Well Jen, there’s not much left except for another romantic comedy and I’m sure you are tired of…

Aniston: I’ll do it!

Agent: What? I haven’t even told you what it’s about?

Aniston: Is there a scene where I do something klutzy but cute? Can I wear fabulous scarves? Is there a sing-along scene with coworkers or friends?

Agent: Answer to number one and two: of course. Number three, no, but there is a  Goo Goo Dolls love song for the soundtrack. In fact the film is built around it, but the song is not written yet…

Aniston: Perfect. Is he single… the Goo Goo Doll guy… my um, friend thinks he’s cute.

Agent: I’ll check. So were gonna do another rom-com?

Aniston: YES! Oh, wait, I have a great idea for a poignant line, “You got to give yourself permission to start living your life again”… isn’t that awesome! Someone smart should say that to me or the hot guy who loves me and then everything will get better… write that down.

Agent: Gotcha. (continues doodling)

Aniston: Oh, and NO animals! I think I still have some flea bites from that stupid dead dog movie.

Agent: Certainly.

Aniston: Oh, one last thing, I want a fat best friend.

Agent: Um, that’s a bit overdone, let’s go skinny.

Agent: Um, okay, skinny… but not pretty, right?

Agent: Exactly, skinny awkward… you’re the pretty one, my dear.