Christmas Eve is magic. Always has been, always will be in my book. (That’s because my book is entitled “Christmas Eve is Magic.”) It’s my favorite day of the year and it totally kicks the butt of Easter Eve and decimates Secretary’s Day Eve. The giddy anticipation of Santa’s visit culminates on this marvelous night and if I could bottle this wonderful feeling of good will (and slight greed), I would. And then sell it to you all at friends and family discount.

Growing up there was nothing I loved more than hitting the 7:00 p.m. mass at St. Rose in Belmar and seeing some of my favorite families all decked out in their spanking new sweaters and fancy dresses. The Keady, Dwyer, Nies and Jenkins families all sat on the right side (facing the altar); the Commesso, Dunn and Lyons clans camped out on the left. I found comfort in this expected order and looked forward to seeing everyone passing by on the communion line and chatting them up as we departed. Listening to my dad bellow along to all the Christmas songs in the pew, whether he knew the words or not, was also a highlight.

After mass, neighbors, cousins and family friends would gather at my parents’ house and the holiday cheer would continue. Mom would fire up the oven and shovel in the greatest assortment of frozen treats the local Acme had to offer: mini pizzas, mini pigs-in-a-blanket, mini Reubens and mini haggis (made that last one up). Lots of beer and wine were imbibed and stories were rehashed at a rapid pace. I loved standing behind the bar with Dad or brother DJ, making sure glasses were filled while Uncle Frank sat at the end making certain chops were busted.

We always ended the night with a raucous game of trivia. My wife Kelly was the ringer everyone wanted her on his or her team. The more we drank the less we knew and the more entertaining it became. And yes, cousin Bridget, we all thought Thomas Jefferson was the one “movin’ on up, to the east side, to a deluxe apartment in the sky.” Great clue, kid!

With the passing of my parents, those nights are no longer. I can’t express how much I miss them, but the 25 years of insanely fun Christmas festivities and memories I shared with them both continue to bring me joy and some solace.

Patty proudly wearing her “Ziggy” sweatshirt Christmas gift. Ziggy was our dog. Don was his best friend.

Luckily, with every tradition that passes, a new one arises. We now celebrate the night before Christmas with the Andrews and Galer families at Uncle Hap’s house in the Mount Airy section of Philly. Hap lives in a big old corner twin house: giant doors, high ceilings, ridiculously large Christmas tree, tons of antiques and my favorite: the back pantry which houses the perfectly chilled cases of beer.

Kelly’s family is equally as fun as mine, just not as loud (save for Heather). It’s always a great time at Hap’s, lots of kids zooming around, good conversation and many bottles of red adorn the dining room table. I look forward to eating a nice selection of cheeses in the kitchen while standing next to an old treadmill and pretending to know about hockey.

My single most favorite part of the evening is the peaceful drive home along Lincoln Drive, across the river and through the Wynnewood to our little house we go. The girls nod off, snug in their jammies while Kel and I enjoy some Christmas tunes on the radio and quietly discuss what still needs to be wrapped. It’s so calm, almost creepy calm and before I freak out I remind myself, “It’s not creepy calm, it’s magic calm. People are taking the night off from evil and nonsense because Santa sprinkled his magic Quaalude dust on everyone as his sleigh passed by overhead.”

Finally, home! I enjoy giving gifts much more than receiving (unless it’s a drum set, then gimme gimme!), so once Kel goes to bed I look forward to Scotch-taping the hell out of the last few gifts I saved and popping open another beer. I kick back, listen to some WPRB, fire up some Facebook (“Ooh, look who’s drunk posting now!”) and suck in all the magical goodness the night has to offer.

Merry magical Christmas Eve to all my friends who celebrate it and believe in magic!

– Originally posted December 24, 2010

“… promotes the self-sufficiency of those experiencing homelessness by engaging them in running as a means to build confidence, strength and self-esteem… it enables members to move towards self-sufficiency through educational and job training opportunities.”

Tomorrow, July 16th, I will be participating in 20in24 Challenge and I will see how many 8.4-mile laps I can run around Philly’s Schuylkill River Loop in 24 hours (shooting for 5-6 laps). The race I’m doing is called the Lone Ranger, and yes, I will definitely be wearing a mask and holster… but no horse, that would be cheating.

If you help out with a little donation ($5, $10, anything at all) I promise to high-five the Rocky Statue for you every time I run by it. I’d really appreciate the support and so would Back on My Feet.

Thanks! Jeff

DONATE

Maggie Serota photo by Mindy Tucker

Good news! Philly’s most fancy crepe-slinging venue L’etage asked us back after our very successful first show. Better news! Beloved Philly comedian and flowchart maven Doogie Horner and Philly-bred/Brooklyn-livin’ writer and myth maker Maggie Serota will be joining us for our next podcast recording session on Tuesday, July 19th! You should join us too because:

1. Our guests are very fun and funny.
2. L’etage has a curtained-off section devoted to making out.
3. Todd will do the show from a baby pool.
4. It’s 100% Free!

Hope to see you there!

Tuesday, July 19, 2011 – 8:30pm
L’etage
624 South 6th Street
Philadelphia, PA 19147

Show Prep:

• Doogie Horner
• Daily Urban Legend
• UsedWigs Radio Podcast 85: Guests Dave Hill and Nikki Walter

In an attempt to make friends at his new school, Leo Jeffries started a Scrabble Club. The skinny, 14-year-old freshman was shocked to find out that an esteemed learning institution like Elmont High School did not already have a Scrabble club.

Within a day of posting fifty bright yellow “Do You Dabble in Scrabble?” flyers in the hallways, over 100 enthusiastic students signed up for the fledgling club.

“I was so excited to meet all these cool people! There is a great mix of kids in the club… jocks, cheerleaders, student body officers and lots of other popular kids. I never knew there were so many people into Scrabble word games, anagrams and etymology. It’s great! I even met a really nice girl and we are going on a date this Saturday night. I can’t wait…”

Suddenly, the ebullient Leo is rudely interrupted mid-sentence by the blaring morning alarm clock of reality that awakens the confused lad and ends yet another dream that will never, ever come true.

Breaking News! Super special guests Dave Hill and Nikki Walter will be joining the fun!

8:30pm – June 21st – L’etage – No Cover!

That’s right kids, we’re back in action at Philly’s most fancy crepe-slinging venue L’etage! Starting on Summer’s birthday (June 21st!), we’ll fire up the microphones and the t-shirt cannon at this handsomely-appointed eatery to record our beloved podcast.

We’ll do it once a month. Each show will have super special guests, some who tell jokes, some who sing songs and others that dance with the devil (I have no idea what that means). So please join us and enjoy us, delicious food, both cheap and expensive beer, and maybe the most comfortable seating (since Fred’s Beanbag Chair Lounge) that your ass has ever had the pleasure to plop itself in!

Oh, by the way, this is a very romantic spot, perfect for making out! So bring your lover or brush your teeth in case you meet a lover during the show. Maybe Ed Lover? Or an Easy Lover, Philip Bailey is the co-owner of this joint (lie!).

More:

• @mrdavehill
• @TurboGrandma
• L’etage
• UsedWigs Radio

Eleven-year-old Jason McCarthy put on his freshly laundered Allendale Pirates Little League uniform Friday at 7:30 a.m. and proudly wore it to school for their annual “Sports Day.” Despite the rapid accumulation of dirt, sweat, food stains and various body and animal odors, the sixth-grade shortstop wore it for 58 straight hours without once giving a thought to changing into something else.

After school, McCarthy headed directly to the playground for tackle football with friends followed by pizza and videos at his home. Ignoring pleas from his mother, the dirt-clad boy did not wash before bed or change into his jammies.

Waking up late in his soiled uniform, he rushed to the local ball field to join his team for the first double-header of the season. Following a day filled with diving catches and sliding stolen bases, Jason celebrated with large dripping chili dogs and grape juice, most of which did not end up in his mouth. He then went directly to his friend’s house to spend the night.

The boys played manhunt in the woods until 9:00 pm and then wrestled with the neighbor’s St. Bernard for another hour. Again the McCarthy retired to bed without stepping out of his clothes or thinking about a toothbrush. He spent all Sunday afternoon building a tree fort.

“I noticed he did not bring a change of clothes, so I asked if he wanted to borrow some of Bobby’s,” said his friend’s mother. “He said, ‘No way, that’s what girls do!’ so I let him be.”

Where has America’s twelfth favorite pop culture podcast gone? Rumors are spreading like wildfire in the AOL and CompuServe chat rooms:

• Did Todd’s full body electrolysis go horribly wrong leaving him a 100% hairless and afraid to leave his bedroom?
• Did Russ accept the touring bass player position for Asia (featuring no original members)?
• Did Jeff finally launch his long-awaited “Glue Gunnin’ for Guys” column on Scotland’s premiere scrapbooking website?

While we cannot confirm any of these true rumors we can confirm the boys will be on hiatus for a bit and will return to action June 15, 2011!

Upon triumphant return, the show will be broadcast live from one of your favorite Philly drinking establishments twice a month. You can come join in the fun or continue to download the podcasts. More details to come!

Until then enjoy some of our old gems and interviews, we’ll be posting them weekly until our new show debuts. Here are couple of winners sure to please you:

• UsedWigs Radio 45: Daniel Johnston Interview
• UsedWigs Radio 60: Interviews with Sam Calagione of Dogfish Head Craft Brewed Ales and Justin Rice of Bishop Allen
• UsedWigs Radio 80: Talking Advertising and Fall TV with Mike: Modern Family, Mad Men, Glee, Running Wilde, Todd Margaret and More!
• UsedWigs Radio 82: Giving Thanks for Everything That Deserves Thanks! Best Music, TV and Web Distractions of 2010
• More!

New to UsedWigs Radio? Here’s a little video to give you an idea of what we’re about:

Russ Loves Spreadsheets on Vimeo.

And here’s the music we play.

See you soon, thanks for the support. Follow us here for latest updates: @usedwigs.

Hugs, Jeff

Just said goodbye to my car. A tow truck will be picking it up today and delivering it to a car auction located in a scary part of the city, right around the corner from Thunderdome, I do believe. I donated it to Habitat for Humanity, hopefully it will bring in a few hundred bucks for the cause. Despite the problems the car has caused me over the years, and there were many, I am still sad to see it go and will probably miss the stupid thing. Damn you, feelings.

The car was there for me in both good times and bad (it had no choice, I had the keys), sometimes reliable and sometimes on fire (more on that later.) We bought the car back in 2000, my wife Kelly and I were making a decent living and finally had enough money to buy a new car, my first non-previously-owned vehicle ever.

To be clear, I am in no way a car guy, never have been, never will be. To give you an idea of the sweet rides I’ve owned over the years, I once had a Dodge K-Car (Hello, Ladies! I’ll be back for you later!), this dud certainly did corner the market on right angles. In my early 20′s, I sped around town in a cheesy old Chrysler Laser, immediately dubbed “The Loser” by my pal Linda.

I enjoy not knowing anything about cars, I use that brain space for Hüsker Dü lyrics and four-letter Scrabble words. I don’t get under the hood or change spark plugs or do whatever you do to the oil, but I did install a new headlight recently. It fell out three days later.

Back in the year 2000, I told the guys at work I was getting a new VW Passat, they reassured me it was a cool car and I was making the right move. But when I proudly pulled up to the office and they saw I bought a wagon instead of a sedan, an avalanche of laughs tumbled towards me and an entire bucket of ball busting was unleashed upon my new car-owning self.

I did not have kids at this point and no one could understand why I got a soccer mom car. BTW, that’s what they call me for a while, “Soccer Mom” driving the “Soccer Mom Mobile.” Good stuff, fellas.

As I mentioned earlier, the 2000 Black VW v-6 Wagon served me well for the most part and I have  a slew of happy memories where the car did me justice.

One of the most satisfying memories was a trip to IKEA. We had a small basement in our first house and even smaller stairs so fitting any sort of normal-sized furniture was out of the question. We located the smallest sofa available, the Klippan. We got two (still have them, cozy!). As we were getting ready to set up delivery, I said, “Hey, I bet one of these little sofa guys can fit in my new super wagon!” And wouldn’t you know it, it did with maybe an inch to spare. I took two trips and and was extremely proud of my vehicle and it’s impressive capacity to hold large objects. I almost felt like a big, brawny, beard-having man putting a load of cinder blocks in the bed of his Ford F-350 Super Duty.

Some more notable good times:

• Safely transporting my pregnant wife home from a NYC hospital after a very scary and almost-very-early-delivery episode (slowest drive ever!)
• Driving my first daughter home from the hospital (safest drive ever!)
• Tailgating at concerts in Camden
• Tailgating at Phillies games with Kelly
• Many soul- and house-cleansing trips to the township dump with a carful of clutter
• Countless trips to Belmar beach with the family

The good times were balanced out with a healthy dose of frustration and some seriously fat bills because the car was basically a lemon and the stupid dealership from where I bought it was notorious for overcharging for service (don’t buy a VW in Ardmore, PA!). I sunk a lot of money into it.

Let’s see, bought it for $25,000 and if I figure in all the repairs and servicing… let me do some quick math… alright, looks like I spent a total of… $2,453,734.87.

A notable bad time:

My car caught on fire in a CompUSA parking lot in 2005. I came out of the store and there was a sticky note of my car that read “I think your car is smoking.” Indeed it was. Moments later a fire ignited under the hood and many, many firetrucks visited the parking lot to see the clueless dope with flaming VW. The Great VW CompUSA Fire of ’05 was caused by a faulty electrical system that VW knew of but forgot to warm me about. Lovely. No sweat though, my wife and newborn were happy to drive a half-hour at 9:00 pm on a cold night to pick my smoky-scented ass.

The car also had an alarm system that was maddening, sometimes working, sometimes not, locking me out completely or blaring away while I punched the hood repeatedly. Two weeks ago, in a fit of rage, I actually located the alarm horn (thanks, Google!) and took a pair of pliers and ripped it out. It felt very good.

The car also had a “Check Engine” light that basically went on at regular intervals to let me know when the dealership wanted a large chunk of my money. Very clever. I used get scared and bring it in for service every time, but in its later years I just ignored it. Usually there was nothing wrong.

A notable vomity time:

After a bad day of running last year, I had a memorable trip home in the car with my youngest daughter:

I packed up my toddler and the dog in my car to drive back to Philly. Could not eat much, still a bit woozy. So we’re on the road and then…

Had to stop three times for little Oona on our two-hour trip home.

• First stop: Needed help with her juice box. Stupid straw.
• Second stop: She took off her diaper claiming she had a big poop. Nope, just pee. Did not have a diaper so I swaddled her in a clean pair of my underwear. Kelly had all the clothes in her car.
• Third stop: About a half hour from home, Oona threw up Goldfish (snack, not the sea creature) all over herself. I pulled over, cleaned her up and now had her dressed in one of my tee shirts and another pair of underwear. She looked kind of cute. She approved of the the new duds.

So we finally got home, I put the baby in the bath water, hosed down the baby seat, loaded up the washing machine and reheated some old pizza.

For the past year, I deemed the Soccer Mom Mobile too unsafe for the transportation of our family so I only used the car to go to work and park in the Philly’s oldest parking garage where all vehicles enjoy a ding or eight on a monthly basis. I just needed the clunker to last until spring. For the past few months, the car has been a frightful, four-wheeled mess: two loose engine mounts, the electrical system is out of whack due to a water leak (the dash warning reads “EJECT! EJECT!) and I’m pretty certain the car also has diarrhea. Stinky!

I knew it was only a matter of time before it broke down so I kept an extra pair of running sneaks and shorts in the back so I’d be ready to place the “FREE CAR” sign on the windshield and run my butt home.

Luckily, that did not happen. It made it to the end.

I took off the license plates, cleaned out some bagel crumbs, and collected my valuables (including the two Son Volt and Jawbreaker CDs that have been in the rear-mounted six-disc CD changer for the past three years). I left the title and the keys in the dash. Ready to go to a new home. Hopefully the home of a good mechanic.

All in all, I’ll miss it. I remember the day Kel and I bought it. After the purchase, we went to a movie in Manayunk, it was lovely summer’s night. I felt so happy walking out of the theater and seeing our brand new car glimmering under the parking lot lights and envisioning the little family that would someday be shuttled about in it. We never had a new car growing up, so the feeling was new and it was kind of magical.

Sure the Soccer Mom Mobile was just a large movable piece of  metal and plastic and whatever else cars are made of, but it was part of my life for a good 11 years and that certainly means something.

Thanks, car.

We know you’ll be very busy at SXSW so we’ve supplied you with all the tweets you’ll need beforehand so you can let everyone know what you’re up to (and who you are trying to cozy up to) easily. Just copy, paste and tweet. Oh, and don’t you dare forget the hashtag.

• I can haz The 2011 Chevy Doritos Vagisil #SXSW Road Trip Challenge Live Stream Videochat.
• This burritos are epic! #sxsw
• Damn, I cannot believe this show is sold out too! I thought this badge would get me in anywhere! #sxsw
• Totally agree, HTML5 will cure cancer by 2012. #HTML5 #SXSWi #SXSWiHTML5
• The Freecreditscore.com Band singer is being very difficult during soundcheck. He’s not happy w/ lighting for duet w/Dave Grohl.
• Awesome, #SXSW #Comedy Showcase just set record for most Charlie Sheen jokes delivered in an hour.
• Cool! I just chatted with an influencer! #SXSWi #influenced
• Sorry I missed the 8:00am 50-K #SXSW #Fitness Bike Ride again, late night!! Tomorrow, most def!
• Guyz, hotel overbooked, anyone have any room for me?? #SXSW
• Holy Shit! Harry Knowles just broke the same toilet at Emo’s that Kevin Smith broke last year! #SXSW
• I heard the Michael Ironside Deficiency and Death from a Shove just got signed by ANTI… or maybe it was Merge? #SXSW #Music
• Getting ready for my talk about sustainable design substance experience usability design. Wish me luck. #SXSWi
• I just met that comedian who does that podcast, he seemed pretty miserable. #SXSW #Comedy
• poopin #swsw
• There ain’t no party like a 2011 Monster Energy Drink/TechCrunch/TUAW/Reader Tweet-Up #SXSW Party!
• So good to see Prince William and Kate at The #Oprah #SXSW OWN TV Bash. They seemed so relaxed!
• Just watched another really depressing documentary. LOVED IT! #SXSW #Film
• There’s absolutely NO FOOD left at the NBC Biggest Loser #SXSW Meet-Up event, just sayin
• It’s so true, you really have to own your site content! Great panel! #SXSWi
• First AT&T, now Stupid Fucking Verizon dropping my fucking call again! #SXSW #iPhone
• Eww… Rachael Ray has barbecue sauce on her face again…  #sxsw #feedback
• I KNEW IT! Kim Kardashian is Gwynnie’s surprise guest at The Glee Music Guest Star #SXSW Gleevent.
• Halp! Whats the bllest way too get pukes off an iPad!? #sWsx*xXxzzz

• Toys
• Sacks of Grain
• Timeshare Vacations
• Smart Fortwo Car Two-Packs
• Refurbished Nooks
• Nuova Simonelli Espresso Machines
• Barstools
• Karate Lessons
• Kayaks
• Quidditch Uniforms & Equipment
• Four Loko Lite
• Zunes
• Life-size HBO Celebrity Wax Figures
• Pets
• Rebar
• Twilight© Grand Pianos
• Deep Tissue Massages
• Pottery Kilns
• Kitchen Cabinets
• Tattoos
• Pool Skimmers
• Pajama Jeans
• Motorcycle Insurance
• Prom Dresses
• Grape Presses
• Machetes
• 2.5 inch Fiberglass Insulation
• Falconry Gloves