NOTE: All of America knows I’ve lately been digging through my “archives” — all the drawings, report cards, journals, photos and other ephemera that my lovely mom saved for me, neatly organized by year. I am on a journey of self-discovery, but also I want to “use” the stuff somehow: It’s not doing me any [...]

Det. Benson: “Captain, we’ve got a situation. A lady in the Bronx just patty-caked an S.O.S. to Pitter-Patter from her handheld! She is being attacked by a sex criminal. She asked her Pitter-Patter followers to contact SVU for her, and we’ve been getting dozens of frantic patty-cakes at @sexyvictims.”

Don’t you hate being forced to use public bathrooms? It’s twenty f*cking ten (20f*cking10), can we finally be given some human dignity instead of being asked to just expose ourselves like animals? Stalls are for cattle, not people. Whose idea were group bathrooms? Some perverted Nazi architect’s?

Logical question: Do we let strangers hang out in [...]

We all know in our hearts that Facebook is “over,” so as a kind of nostalgia I wanted to post some rules I made up a while ago for those who were just discovering the ’Book. I hope something replaces Facebook soon so life can have meaning again. New thing, please! Thank you. Meanwhile:
1. No [...]

Mrs. D.: A waking daymare of suburbia, wound up so tight it squeaked when she moved her head, her maskface producing the mirthless “backward laugh” common to all the moms around, a staccato series of high-pitched wheezing inhalations.

Then, in that way that the culture often answers my private thoughts, there he was again in the news, and the answer was what I divined it would be. I hadn’t missed the second big hit from Daniel Powter. I am not that out of touch. There wasn’t one.

Stand-up and stand-up backlash are such old news now. I’m not gonna get into it. The debate happened, and like acid rain, the Heenes, what to do about nuclear waste, and other controversies, it faded away while you weren’t looking. Accept it: Stand-up is here to stay. It will never sit down.

I wake to a woman’s scream. I hear a muffled sizzling sound and smell rotting cucurbitus. “What is that?” I cry out through my jack-o’-lantern mouth hole. “Oh, that lady in the other room is getting a Pumpkin Peel. Did you want one of those, too? They’re more money, but they get your skin SO smooth it’s unbelievable.” “No, thank you.”

She carves out the “lid” with its pumpkin seeds dangling in their stringy orange viscous pumpkin matter. Holding the lid by its stem handle, she begins rubbing those pumpkin guts all over my face and neck with brisk circular motions, and I feel sleepy and contented.

“Twins Whose Weight Must Total 1,800 Pounds” Fat is definitely the new thin, but these look-alikes really push the envelope (full of cake into their mouths) as they see-saw back and forth but try to maintain an even 1,800 pounds between them. Who gets to gain the extra pounds this week, and who must lose that same amount? It’s double-trouble!