The Olympics sure are fun to watch, but not every event is as thrilling as it could be. Here are some simple suggestions for improvement:

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Tired of listening to that little NBC android Bob Costas going on and on about America’s new boyfriend Michael Phelps? Then do what I do and check in with Brooklyn Brother’s Mikey P. for a succinct and incisive daily recap of the 2008 Olympic Games:

“Yesterday the US men had disappointing days in both Gymnastics and Greco Roman Wrestling. The men’s gymnastics team failed to medal in the all around competition the US Greco Roman squad suffered 3 surprising early losses. Men’s gymnastics and Greco Roman wrestling on the same day? Who’s scheduling these Olympics? Tom Cruise?

Misty May trainer and Kerry Walsh donned their tiny bathing suits and beat Norway to advance to the single elimination round in beach volleyball. 14-year-old boys everywhere celebrated the victory by masturbating… more>”

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“To be completely honest, I despise running, HATE IT! Competing in these insane 100-mile running races all weekend long and all the training that goes with it is utter torture,” said ultra-marathoner Marc Skednick of Philadelphia as he applied super glue to a heel blister the size of a plum. “That said, I continue to do it because I hate spending time with my family a thousand times more than competing in this ridiculous sport.”

“My strict training method consists of running about 20-to-30 miles a day in preparation for my weekend races that take place twice a month. As you can see it doesn’t allow much time for me to spend with my nagging wife or bratty kids. … actually, it leaves absolutely no face time for me and my family. I’m really not sure what the 12-year-old looks like now. Or is she 14? Not sure, anyway, gotta motor…” Skednick finishes tending to his wound, slowly gets up and continues his daily run as the clock strikes 10:45pm.

The 6-foot-1, 135-pound Skednick runs for a few hours before and after work and usually eats all his meals while running. In keeping with his family-shunning ways, Skednick makes sure to take off his Bluetooth before a run just in case a family member might want to get in touch. “I pretend to need ‘total concentration’ while running, so I ask my family not to call me.”

When asked if he misses seeing his daddy, Skednick’s 10-year-old son quickly responds “Do you want to play Guitar Hero? Or go kill some ants?” before he darts into the other room to punch his sister in the back of her head.

His wife Nancy puts her husband’s hobby into perspective, “It keeps him happy. He sure seems to love it!”

The long-long-distance runner describes his upcoming 135-mile event, “Like most of the races, this one is in the desert, about a million degrees. I usually puke on average about ten times a day from dehydration and exhaustion but that doesn’t deter me, not even the hallucinations can stop me. It’s sooooo much better than watching dance recitals and soccer games.”

“I’m motivated by that ‘Not-seeing-my-family-high’ that many runners get after logging in a few miles on the pavement. It makes all the leg cramps, eroded cartilage, third-degree sunburn, pants crapping, and the intense stabbing pain that jets up through my spine every time I begin to move my feet all worth it.”

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“Our quarterbacks have been getting beaten up pretty bad lately and we were down to our third-stringer. So we decided to shake things up! We redeployed our current O-line — they’re now working in the mess hall — and replaced them with these Blackwater boys. These fellas are really great! Very coachable, disciplined and have that killer instinct we love,” said the Army head coach.

“It was hard at first to convince them that a karate chop to the throat and a roundhouse kick to the back of the neck of an opposing player are considered penalties, but we worked out the kinks.”

Luckily for West Point, the new offensive linemen have full college eligibility and do not violate any NCAA student athlete regulations because they are not getting paid. Blackwater USA did not seek compensation for their work. In a related story, Secretary of Defense Robert M. Gates just approved another 5-year (no-compete), $1 billion contract for Blackwater services.

While the unit’s on-field play has been successful, there have been few reports of some small off-field, post-game altercations involving drinking, machine gun fire, kidnapping and throat slitting. “Boys will be boys!” said the coach. “You gotta let off a little steam”

Asked how the other players feel about their new teammates, the coach continued.

“They love ‘em! Here at the academy we teach real-world situations and our boys appreciate that. In today’s military, US troops and highly-paid soldiers of fortune with absolute no accountability now work hand-in-hand protecting our county. Having this model on the football field feels very natural…very modern, wouldn’t you say?”

While most teammates refused to talk, a defensive player who wished to remain nameless said, “Um, has anyone noticed they have Special Forces survival knives concealed in their socks when they take the field? Just thought I’d mention that.”

Jeff Lyons
Sports Reporter

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