Please come to this week’s Story Slam! Topic: “My Unfinished Novel Won’t Write Itself!”

“Shhhh… we’re tracking a sasquatch on a fixed-gear mountain bike.”

“Today’s episode of This American Life explores smile haters.”

“Um, we’re lost. Which way to Hello Giggles website?”

“Who installed the fuck out of this Ikea Månljüs pendant lamp? That would be us. We installed the fuck out of this Ikea Månljüs pendant lamp.”

Beard Depot! All Shapes, All Sizes!

To get away from all the tension, Fergus thinks about his happy place, Puppytown Junction, just like his therapist told him to do.

“Correct, St. Peter greets people up there and we’re the gate keepers down here. Welcome, friend!”

“Sometimes my guitar doesn’t want to play my songs and it tries to drive away.”

Available for weddings, parties, funerals…

The Glumdrops

“Look at me, I am a bass player. Please enjoy this visual joke, America!”

“Let’s do a Meet The Beatles thing, but make sure the Rick looks super tiny and stupid. Ya know, because he missed practice again.”

“Does anyone have a washboard and plectrum banjo Josiah and Annabelle can borrow?”

“Chloé, If the label wants us to change our name to ADORBS, I say we do it… because we are… let’s own it.”

“Help, how do you use Levels in Photoshop?”

Ghost Hunters: Brooklyn

“Come to our show mutherfuckers! We’re $30 away from getting Køng his own leather jacket!”

Come for our artisanal cheeses, stay for our six-pronged mandolin assault.

Yup, a V-neck with buttons. Deal with that mutherfuckers!

Grand Opening Sale-a-bration at the new Zero Dollar Store!

Support Y107′s Morning Hosts Grumpy and Pit Stain during this year’s “Stand-a-thon!”

“Thank you guys soooo much for your support!! Hugz and Luvz to all our fans!”

“Are you there God? It’s me… trying to look like you.”

And there they sat for hours in silence, all refusing to take responsibility for forgetting the picnic basket and Frisbee.

“Um Blythe, are you sure this is where the tweet said the Peruvian Barbeque Taco Truck would be parked?”

“Wake me if I get interesting.”

The Joy Less Club

Pukulele

“We will do whatever it takes to distract you from the music we play poorly.”

“Jonas calls them bottom burps, I call them not funny.”

“My fantasy football team’s poor performance is worrisome.”

“Hi, just taking a break. We’re chasing an angel through the forest. Have you seen her?”

“FOUND HER!!!!”

“Shhh… if we bag this one, we eat for a month!”

“Let me be perfectly clear Willem, you WILL wear this hoodie-shirt I made you on stage and you WILL mention my Etsy store name!”

“When Boston Bruins playoff  tickets go on sale, we’re ALWAYS first in line! ALWAYS! And no cutsies!”

Questions? Wake up one of our Sunglass Hut professionals for assistance!

Watch out Banksy, it’s Wanksy!

“What’s that Mr. Photographer? You want pensive? How does 300,000 mother-fucking kilowatts of pensive intensity sound?”

“If you must know, we find the all the “NO” responses to our Margarita Happy Hour Evite quite troubling.”

“Ladies and gents, give it up for Pop Pop and The Pouty Pouters!”

“Damian, it was actually quite simple. I used a Reveal All Layer Mask on Chambliss with the Gradient Tool set to Transparent. Also, I used Photoshop’s new Dour filter on the  top three layers. Easy Peasy!”

“If you’re happy and you know it, you’re out of this band! clap clap!”

“Colton… Jarrod… is she gone yet? I’m afraid to look.”

“Yes, I feel country and yes I feel feminine. Just take the damn photo.”

“Shhhh… guess whose breath is atrocious?”

“Thanks Miriam, now no one will notice my new fob watch.”

Darthikhus mumbles “Ringlets, much?” while looking at KhurchBurner’s new hairdo. SoulStainz stifles a laugh.

“I’m not mad, I just can’t believe you watched ‘Mike & Molly’ without me.”

Frosted Tips only $19.95 now at SupeCuts!

“Don’t you think for one second we don’t know the difference between the berries you CAN eat and the kind you CAN’T!”

“We like the same things!!! BFFz!!!”

This photo is pretty close to being cool… here, let me just add something…

Perfect!

I bet she could try a little harder to get noticed. Knee cymbals?

Listen you creeps, stop the disappointed staring thing. I will say it just one more time, “I’m not investing in your hemp clothing line!!”

The one-man white guy drumline is the worst kind of drumline.

“Buy four oxfords, get one free bow tie!  Only at Lord Sullenton’s High Street Haberdashery.”

Oh how I wish this was Camp Crystal Lake.

Trevor mistakenly left the tent and fishing poles in the driveway.

“My wrinkled shirt makes me feel despondent and ashamed. Lars, please smile for both of us.”

“Dammit Simon! I CANNOT believe you just got us kicked out of Silly People Camp!”

“We are being cuter than you ever thought humanly possible, right? This was totally Gypsum and Nate’s idea!”

“Your move, Bonnie Prince Billy!”

“May I please borrow your lawn mower?”

“Join our fight against the Dharma Initiative and we promise to get you off this island.”

“Fuck you forest, we’re gonna chop down another too.”

“We are so in a fight right now.”

“I am so bored with you liking me.”

“Look guyzz, this where stinky homeless people live. Yuckee!”

The featured speakers at your next web design conference.

“Is that our sense of humor on the floor?”
“Yes dear, but don’t pick it up. We have no use for it.”

Watch where you step: Someone threw up filthy hipsters and kitsch all over the stage.

“No, I most certainly will NOT go jet skiing with you!

“I bang on drums!”
“I encourage Conan to make bad music!”

Look, Balki has GarageBand.

Native American Idiot

An accordion makes nothing better.

“I’ve been working out, can I go shirtless, pretty pleeeease!”
“Okay, but you know the rule, drummers in the back.”

“Make no mistake, when I’m done my smoke, your beer pong ass-kicking will commence.”

Pot rap, about as enjoyable as pot comedians.

Photographer: “Your ennui is overwhelming…  perfect!”

Poor bedbugs, having these dirty hippies lying on top of them.

Listen pal, I don’t care who your father was…

“Almost there, still a little too natural and expected, try adding more quirky crap.”

“We’re being ironical, deal with it!”

This makes me hate toys.

Related News

• SPIN Magazine’s Most Regrettable Covers 1985 – 2009
• Cool 70s Celebrity and Rock Photos from Brad Elterman

A while back my favorite intrepid video explorer @morgancline sent me a delightful vid called “Cold Drinks” (below). Not only did it make me very thirsty and very dancey (I counted it as a workout), it sent me into a dizzying YouTube search pit looking for other oddly fascinating employee training treasures. I found some goodies and then moved on to looking for old Big Drill Car videos, as you would expect.

Then Galaga Grand Master @comedyminusone clued me into the Holy Grail of old-school instruction with the “Space Port Arcade Employee Training Video” (below). Watch it and you’ll agree everyone who worked there probably enjoyed a visit from the FBI at one point in their lives. The agents were also probably carrying shovels.

A little history: I worked in a Burger King one summer on a boardwalk and as I’m sure you read in the local papers, I was named “Employee of The Season.” Pretty sweet, right? I still have the certificate, waiting for framing prices to come down before I hang it in the lobby of our office. The honor might have had something to do with my unmatched pickle-placing skills or my general all-around, fast-food-making awesomeness or maybe just maybe, it had something to do with me being the only kid who did not quit after a couple weeks or call in sick when there were big waves.

I needed the money — I was trying to buy some new drums (rototoms!) — and I actually enjoyed the gig when I wasn’t being threatened by a massively-muscled, unstable coworker who would order me to make and bring him THREE sausage croissants as he hid in the walk-in freezer. The Burger King was shuttered after 2 years of business. I lasted one. Oh, and I’m now a vegetarian.

I have a lot of respect for the hard-working managers and owners of these places who have to put up with the circus of little pricks looking to get over as much as possible. I also envy the pride and skill people who work in a service-oriented business possess. I hide in a dimly-lit web cave all day and creep out infrequently to interact with humans (Subject: Munchkins in the kitchen!!). I don’t know how they do it, but I’m glad they do.

Strap on your aprons, paper hats and change belts and let’s get trained!!!

Wendy’s Cold Drinks!

Is it just me or do you have the strange urge to make love to a medium Frosty? Also, it’s pretty obvious where G. Love got the idea for his silly novelty song. Also, don’t forget the Hot Drinks!

Wendy’s “Grill Skills” 1989 Training Video Part 1

Director: “Hey Dave, yeah, could you stand in front of the garbage can then show us your meat? That will be a great way to start this show!”

Wendy’s “Grill Skills” 1989 Training Video Part 2

Quality Control 101: “Only serve a great-looking patty, never serve a burger that’s looking ratty.” Appetizing choice of words.

1981 Space Port Arcade Employee Training Video

Visit your local Space Port Today! (It’s now a Paperia.)

McDonald’s Custodial Training Video

Poor guy, his new boss is being a real McC.

1970s McDonald’s Training Film

The secret is courtesy… when dealing with truly awful people wearing awful clothes.

1986 Hardee’s Restaurant Training Video

“Very nice suggestive selling, Jim!”

Blockbuster Training Video [1990] – Pt 2

I am now in love with a girl from twenty years ago who wears giant khakis, even if she does hate nerds.

• Toys
• Sacks of Grain
• Timeshare Vacations
• Smart Fortwo Car Two-Packs
• Refurbished Nooks
• Nuova Simonelli Espresso Machines
• Barstools
• Karate Lessons
• Kayaks
• Quidditch Uniforms & Equipment
• Four Loko Lite
• Zunes
• Life-size HBO Celebrity Wax Figures
• Pets
• Rebar
• Twilight© Grand Pianos
• Deep Tissue Massages
• Pottery Kilns
• Kitchen Cabinets
• Tattoos
• Pool Skimmers
• Pajama Jeans
• Motorcycle Insurance
• Prom Dresses
• Grape Presses
• Machetes
• 2.5 inch Fiberglass Insulation
• Falconry Gloves

• I dream that someday my children or my children’s children will be able to paste unformatted text with just one click.
• If I had my druthers, I’d have a really stupid word.
• Hoping all Foursquare Mayors will be defeated…not in the election, just in general.
• Did I buy the base model Thomas’ English Muffins? These are in no way fork-split. Halloween mornings are now ruined forever.
• On all those cake shows, I always root for the cake to fall when they move it.
• When Mad Men makes you think ad agency people are cool, remember the douches who put that Train song in all the commercials.
• Gerbils and hamster as so pissed! http://usat.ly/9Du4Bd
• If Urban Outfitters sold fake beards, I wouldn’t need to go anywhere else for my Halloween shopping needs.
• If I had a therapist, my first question: “Why did seeing a guy w/ a ‘I’d Rather Be Playing My Banjo’ t-shirt enrage me so much?”
• Hank Williams Jr. & Faith Hill to perform a football love song duet on new CMT show “America’s Next Shitty Football Song”
• Ordered an appetizer tonight called “Dynabites”. Limited my spot-on Jimmy JJ Walker impression to 6 times.
• Gentlemen, are we still placing our coats over puddles for ladies crossing streets? Because a truck just ran over my last one.
• The fat-voiced pro gamblers hawking tips on sports radio have overtaken pro poker players as the creepiest creeps in creeptown.
• I heard 3 Tom Petty songs on 3 different Philly radio stations in an half hour this a.m. How do I file a complaint w/ the FCC?
• Waiting for my mechanic to call is the opposite of waiting for Christmas.
• Wishing that Progressive spokeswoman all the post commercial success enjoyed by the Dell Dude.
• Breaking News: Rescue shaft complete, first agent send down to sign book & movie deal with trapped Chilean miners.

Keep in Touch:

What The Fuck Has Obama Done So Far?

Quite a lot, actually. Why don’t you take a look.

Then calm the fuck down.

Enjoy some signs.

Originally posted October 27, 2007

My mom was pretty good at pulling together Halloween costumes for my brother and I when we were young. Even last minute, she could whip up a pretty sweet hobo outfit, replete with realistic bindles and burnt-cork five-o’clock shadows.

Once hoboed up, I couldn’t wait to go to the railroad tracks and warm my hands over a cozy garbage can with the real “bums” and watch them eat roasted squirrel and sharpen their stabbing sticks.

Mom also had a full-time job and one year she was just too wiped out to conjure up some creepy Halloween attire. So Team Lyons went to Plan B. And boy did Plan B. suck.

My dad swooped in and picked up a couple prepackaged gems from our local variety store (Schatzows 5 & 10, Belmar, NJ) on his way home from work. A tremendous amount of thought was not put into the purchase.

The costume box contained a semi-pliable mask (most certainly decorated with lead paint) and a chintzy, plastic smock that displayed the theme of the costume in an extremely low budget fashion.

My older brother chose first and was lucky enough to get the Vinnie Barbarino costume and he got to do his spot-on “What? Where? Why?” and “I’m so confused!” routine. Good stuff, D.J., good stuff.

Unfortunately, I got stuck with the frightfully afroed and mustachioed Mr. Kotter. Nice. Thanks Dad, the Kotter smock has all the Sweathog faces plastered on the front with their names to boot. That way I’ll never forget who’s who. Smart.

Quick question, wouldn’t it have been easier for the costume artist to design a simple tie and corduroy jacket ensemble instead of the painstaking work he poured into creating these incredible simulacrums?

An eight-year old dressed up as a schlubby, plastic-encased, middle-aged hack comic with absolutely no acting chops is not a pretty sight. I couldn’t even pull off the Kotter-doing-Groucho impression made famous by Mr. Kaplan, and every child my age could do that. I had nothing.

I wasn’t too motivated to go out in public and depress the neighbors, but I did, and let’s just say some serious tears spewed out of those little round eye holes as Sweathog-hating kids made fun of me while Barbarino was four houses up getting hi-fives and bagloads of Marathon bars.

After a few listless “Trick or Treats,” I plunked myself down on the curb and stuffed my fat cry-hole with some fun-sized goodness. Sure, Little Mr. Kotter was a wuss and acted more like a Horshack than a Boom Boom, but he knew next year would be different. Better! With the right pair of rainbow suspenders, striped shirt, lots of manic energy and a few well-placed “Shazbots,” he’d be back in business!

(Didn’t happen, hobo again.)

The website RetroCrush has posted the worst of these infamous, highly-flammable outfits including Chachi, Fat Albert, Space Ghost, GI Joe, the Care Bears and many more. Enjoy the painful memories.

Have any bad costume memories you want to share? Share here.

Website: www.retrocrush.com

Related News

• Halloween Costume Dos and Don’ts 2009

• Halloween Costume Dos and Don’ts 2008

UPDATE: Sadly, the photographer has taken these gems offline.

Thanks to videogum and @timheidecker for discovering this unholy grail of uncomfortable super fan photos that will—no doubt—be used one day by the FBI in some serious celebrity stalking and kidnapping cases.

Enjoy this vast galaxy of awkward, prom-style photos of science fiction and fantasy aficionados (comic con nerds, psychopaths) paired with their heroes (TV stars with a good sense of humor looking for a little extra cash). The supporting casts from Buffy, Battlestar Galactica, Star Trek, Firefly, Heroes and more are well represented.

Guess which one is the TV star from Firefly. (Hint: She’s human)

Buffy’s Cordelia barely tolerating her new future boyfriend.

Okay, I think Cordy has had enough.

Marvelous photo of fan and another lovely Firefly actress.

Why is some giant hooker ruining this fan’s Peter Brady photo?

You and me both, sister!

Battle Scarred.

Bruce Campbell = always cool.

MORE PHOTOS! MORE PHOTOS!

FYI, if Isis was at a one of these conventions, I’d so be in one of these photos.

The Mathletes Club here at UsedWigs High have compiled a classroom full of actors who were well past their teenage years when they portrayed high-schoolers on the big and small screens. Age calculations are based on when the film was released or the year the character debuted on the TV show. The information was gleaned from IMDB.com.

Update! “Vic Morrow was 26 and Sidney Poitier was 28 when The Blackboard Jungle was released.”

Before you fire off the “Hey, dummy you forgot….” email, there are hundreds of 23-, 24- and 25-year-old actors who played teens and we certainly can’t list them all here. I’m sure there’s some creepy website out there devoted to this nonsense. Google it

More News!

• Useful Noncommittal Responses
• Social Media Job Interview Questions
• Hollywood Height Chart
• Appropriate Names for Coffee Shops with Free Wi-Fi

If you’re like us and love Julie Klausner (read our 2007 interview) and love  James Urbaniak (The Venture Brothers) and love lazy-ass cats, then this is like Christmas morning for you. Without any of that pesky Baby Jesus adoration.

More: julieklausner.tumblr.com & jamesurbaniak.tumblr.com