New Year’s Resolutions Made By That Old Guy in Your Town Who Drives The Classic Car

December 28, 2010

  1. First and foremost, continue to do everything humanly possible to draw attention to myself every time I drive my car.
  2. Research funnier horn noises.
  3. Never let 18° weather dissuade me from driving around with the top down.
  4. If necessary, drive around the block 43 times in order to get that high-visibility parking spot right in front of the pizza/ice cream shop in the center of town.
  5. Heed members’ advice and keep my “Tail Light History, Installation and Maintenance Tips” talks to a maximum of 50 minutes at car club meetings.
  6. Remind Helen “It’s none of her damn business what I do at swap meets!”
  7. Call doctor if you-know-what lasts more than 4 hours.
  8. Continue to ridicule Studebaker Stan for the hilarious “Wash Me” that appeared on his dirty windshield back in 2007.
  9. Buy more jackets that match the color of my car.
  10. DO NOT, and I repeat DO NOT, let that stupid Brownie troop’s “Flowers & Fun” wagon float upstage me again in town’s Fourth of July Parade!


Jeff Lyons

Author: Jeff Lyons

I am the proprietor of this dumb site and Philly Trail Runners. I also co-host Junk Miles with Chip & Jeff. You can follow my daily nonsense on Twitter and Bluesky .