Comments Are Currency
By Scott Shrake on Jun 6, 2008 in Scott Shrake
Look, I want comments. Reader comments are the way to measure my worth as a writer, and, by extension, as a person.
I crave them the way I crave smack. I recently got over 100 comments for the first time, on my last The Huffington Post piece, and I have to say I was… quietly satisfied… it was a moment for me… about crossing the three-digit comment mark. I celebrated that night with an extra bottle of champagne and a special iced smack drink I make sometimes.
In the spirit of writerly camaraderie, I hope for my writer friends to get lots of comments, but then I’m envious when they do. So I leave anonymous comments about how their articles stink.
I want at least 2,000 comments next time I write something. (Luckily, I think at HuffPost there are equally as many commenters as there are bloggers: roughly 10,000 of each.) Nothing’s ever enough for me, or anyone.
Numbers matter. After something goes live, we writers check back obsessively to see how many comments we’ve gotten. I notice you guys don’t leave many comments here on UsedWigs. Because you are stingy people. CHANGE THAT.
But the question is: Where do you even begin reading a comments section with thousands of comments in it? And when do you stop? Like so much on the Internet, comments sections can be a tragic time waster.
When I started contributing to Arianna’s site, a blogger friend told me NEVER to respond to commenters. “It’s a power differential,” he said.
Fine, I get it, I’m very available to elitism, but I like comments because… I actually do want to have a dialogue with my readers (all four of you), something that wasn’t possible back when I started writing, for print publication, over a decade ago. Back and forth! I was so excited when I got my first “f*ck you” from a commenter on my first HuffPost piece! “F*ck you, Scott Shrake!” Made me smile.
When it comes to comments, websites and bloggers have choices. Do you allow comments at all? Do you as the site owner or blogger respond personally to comments? (Historically, some writers have gotten in trouble for commenting under an alias — at their own sites and others’! — and pumping themselves up, etc.) Do you moderate the comments or let it be a free-for-all? Moderating means deleting people, banning them, etc. Do you want to be that bossy? Unwebocratic?
When I was young, before the Internet was set up, ordinary folks had one option for responding to something they read. They could write a letter to the editor of the newspaper or magazine in which the article appeared. Maybe it would get printed, but the chances were mighty slim.
If you could say something that caught the interest of the editorial powers-that-be, you’d be the star of your block that day. You’d be famous!
But that was it. Then they invented the Internet, and with it soon came a chaotic marketplace of shitty ideas and profanity.
There was a time when UsedWigs was young, before it went blog, that we didn’t have comments. If someone had something to say about something I wrote, they sent me an e-mail, and I ignored them. It was the opposite of a free-for-all.
Nowadays literally anybody who can use a computer is able to be the star of their block in their own mind, all day, every day. We now have what I will call the Lumpen-Commentariat: They are the “trolls,” the hopelessly illiterate or drunk or insane underclass that insist on typing their thousands of comments per day, on getting in on the action and making their opinions known… way underneath what I’ll call the Blogeoisie (blog-wah-zee) — the uppity people who own blogs (or, like me, “rent” space at other people’s because they don’t know how to get their own); and the Commentariat — the people who write the blogs.
Case Study: David
One comments section I can never resist reading for an hour at a time is the one situated next to any column by David Broder at the Washington Post. It represents an intense competition among commenters to humiliate and eviscerate this old man who looks like he’s constipated, the reputed “Dean of the Washington Press Corps,” and it is superb insult comedy.
Everyone knows Broder can’t possibly be looking at the comments, because he’s Andy Rooney’s-age-plus, but it’s fun to think of how cranky he must be because he doesn’t get why the readers are allowed to send all these “electric letters” or whatever they are, directly to him in that small type and Who are these people, anyway? He’s an important man laboring pen-in-hand over his steno pad to come up with incomparably obvious columns every few days (such as the recent “I’ve Noticed Hillary and Barack Are Two of the Main People Running for President” by David Broder). So they taunt him, saying how he needs to retire, holding him to account for helping elect Bush 2, and just… I don’t know, running rhetorical circles around him. Many of the comments are such perfect specimens of verbal acidity, it makes me gaga.
That’s what I want. Sock it to me. When you’re ready. I’ll be feverishly refreshing this page, drinking my delicious, special, ice-cold Smack-Aid. Let the dialogue roll.
And when I cyber-die, please put “Leave a Comment” on my e-tombstone.
Tags: Andy Rooney • Archie Bunker • Arianna Huffington • Barack Obama • Comments • David Broder • Heroin • Hillary Clinton • Internet • The Huffington Post
If I were Will Bower, I’d say “A+”.
But, since I’m not, I’ll say “That article really stinks”.
I am not Will Bower | Jun 6, 2008 | Reply
this comment is about the article i just read.
I am commenting | Jun 6, 2008 | Reply
this comment is about the comment i just wrote
I am commenting | Jun 6, 2008 | Reply
I’m pretty sure that I have been black balled from leaving comments at NYT.com. Probably for calling David Brooks a douche-bag too many times. At first, I thought they just received too many comments to post mine that day. But then it happened again. And again. It’s been about six months now and my comments never get posted. The crazy thing is I still can’t stop writing myself from writing comments to them. A couple of times I’ve written a letter “to the NYT censor.” “I promise I’ll be good” and all of that. But to no avail. So now I’m relegated to Used Wigs…
Tim | Jun 6, 2008 | Reply
You’re shooting comment blanks, eh? Interesting.
To not get banned, try using asterisks: D*ucheb*g, f*ckf*ce, tw*twad, son of a c*nt, etc.
Oh, and FYI, David Broder makes David Brooks look like [insert name of good writer]. Seriously.
Scott Shrake | Jun 6, 2008 | Reply
Perhaps my mind is playing tricks on me (it happens), but are you actually saying that INTERNET reader comments are “the way to measure my worth as a writer, and, by extension, as a person”? Okay, maybe on a site like HuffPost where (I assume - actually, I hope) comments must pass an editor’s eye before actually being posted, but for the most part, comments I see tend to be depressing examples of the inability of people to string together even the simplest of grammatically correct sentences. Being a professional blogger, per se, I do understand how you might see the situation differently, but that statement’s kind of extreme, even taking into account that it’s also symptomatic of the deeply self-involved nature of the artistic temperament.
So do you respond to your own blog’s comments? I know you do on a certain social networking site (FB masturbation, remember?) but on an “official” blog, isn’t that sort of defeating the purpose of having a comments section in the first place? If you respond, and the original poster responds to *your* response, it becomes more of a dialogue than a comments section.
Interesting article, though, as usual.
Shawn Kurland | Jun 6, 2008 | Reply
to paraphrase homer simpson: comments are meaningless. you could use comments to prove anything that’s even remotely true!
katherine | Jun 6, 2008 | Reply
How else am I supposed to measure my worth as a person? I’m open to suggestions, here.
Oh, and that’s something I meant to say in my article: I hate it when the commenters start debating each other about some unrelated thing, instead of telling me how awesome my article is. That is bullsh*t. (Although at HuffPost it always happens, and that’s what runs up the comment numbers, and by extension, my self-esteem numbers.)
Scott Shrake | Jun 6, 2008 | Reply
SCOTT!!! You pretty much rock, so never fear
Jen Hoogenes | Jun 6, 2008 | Reply
On the advice of my legal team, I can leave no comment at this juncture nor within the foreseeable future therein.
Michelle H. | Jun 6, 2008 | Reply
@ Jen H.: OMG, we can use emoticons in comments? Why wasn’t I told? I’m gonna find one that captures the true depth of my bitterness… where are they? Do I have to know how do make them from scratch, or is there a palette?
HELP ME :-0
Scott Shrake | Jun 6, 2008 | Reply
A complete f*cktard must have written this article. Oh, that’s right, Scott wrote it. (Just kidding, I just wanted the opportunity to call someone a f*cktard and get away with it. That’s right, I can do it anonymously (sort of, although I think Scott will know who I am) on the internet tubes.)
For a brilliant, incisive commentary on comments, see the following video:
http://www.collegehumor.com/video:1771556
(No matter how many times I watch it, I still think it’s hilarious.)
Paula | Jun 6, 2008 | Reply
Scott, screw emoticons, use the more popular and expressive Knotticons:
More Knotticons
Jeff Lyons | Jun 6, 2008 | Reply
Okay, now we’ve got Carroll O’Connor and Don Knotts representin’ on this page! It’s turning into TV Land!
@ Paula: That video is good, I liked it when the spam girl’s head explodes. You rarely see a good head explosion…
Scott Shrake | Jun 6, 2008 | Reply
Nell Carter. Just wanted to get her name in too.
(this is an example of “comment tangent”)
Jeff Lyons | Jun 6, 2008 | Reply
I just want to comment that I am saving my comments for when I have an actual comment.
tykoto | Jun 6, 2008 | Reply
You must be a size queen
a | Jun 6, 2008 | Reply
This article was way too long for my ADHD — all you really needed was the first sentence. Do you get paid at Huff post based on the number of comments?
drlemna | Jun 6, 2008 | Reply
@ Dana: Uh, we don’t get paid at HuffPost. Not me, nor Alec Baldwin, Barack Obama, Carl Bernstein, Erica Jong, Hillary Clinton, Jamie Lee Curtis, Robert Kennedy Jr., Bill Maher, Harry Shearer (although he should; he posts like every day), P. Diddly or Puffy Daddy or whatever his name is now (http://www.huffingtonpost.com/sean-combs/my-take-on-obama_b_105741.html) or any of my fellow bloggers… none of us.
But at Gawker they get bonuses based on page views. Not comments.
Scott Shrake | Jun 6, 2008 | Reply
Why haven’t you posted on HuffPost since April? Is your bitterness re: the election given you writer’s block?
drlemna | Jun 6, 2008 | Reply
What kind of inane, self-absorbed, verbal masturbation is this? I only read and commented on this dim-witted dribble because, like oral sex, I bear it just so I can get my turn. Now hand me a towel and get on your knees.
Conor J. Murphy | Jun 6, 2008 | Reply
Very good article. Thanks for the good information!.
Michael | Jun 6, 2008 | Reply
Scott - Let me first comment on your wig, because I think its fanTAStic, and it alone should provide you with all the confidence you need. Nice article, too, and I’m about to read the last HuffPost one as well.
Carol M | Jun 6, 2008 | Reply
Scott, my wit-o-meter is barely registering this morning so I’m not even going to try - but in a show of support, here is my contribution:
Carry on.
Russ | Jun 7, 2008 | Reply
Dammit Jeff, how the hell did you post those knotticons on here? Thought you could just use an tag…but that didn’t seem to work. Now my last post makes me look like (more of) a dipshit. Sigh.
Oh well, at least that boosts Scott’s comment count by 2. What was that article about again?
Russ | Jun 7, 2008 | Reply
An image tag. Thought you could just use an image tag.
Sob.
Russ | Jun 7, 2008 | Reply
This is not the Scott I know and love. The Scott I know and love has an entirely different AC kind of wig.
xo
Kate
Kate | Jun 9, 2008 | Reply
May I have the recipe for your special smack drink? Does it pair well with blinis?
purpledranker | Jun 11, 2008 | Reply
Secret recipe, purpledranker. Sorry.
But here’s a helpful hint for making your own concoction: You can use methadone as the main ingredient, too, if you can’t get your hands on any junk.
Scott Shrake | Jun 11, 2008 | Reply
Love the desperation… that’s my comment. Do you need more to get your fix? I like responses to my comments like I like smack. That is a lot.
Becky | Jun 11, 2008 | Reply
Ding ding ding ding! You are the 30th comment! Your special prize is you get to fix with me next time!
By the way, for all you young folks out there: I am totally kidding with all the heroin talk. Be cool, stay in school! Drugs are for dummies!
Totes serious, here.
Scott Shrake | Jun 12, 2008 | Reply
Dear Nephew Scott,
I’m retired, it’s raining and I can’t play golf today. So now you can see what I sometimes do with my spare time.
Uncle Dave
David Shrake | Jun 23, 2008 | Reply
Hi, Uncle Dave! My favorite uncle. And not just because you left me a comment!
Scott Shrake | Jun 23, 2008 | Reply
Hey Scott,
It’s sunny and nobody to golf with. One buddy is in the hospital; another is recovering from cardiac surgery and yet another took a contract job with the Feds. What has come to retirement!
Uncle Dave
David Shrake | Jul 8, 2008 | Reply