Costumes Your Friends Will be Wearing This Halloween

Gay Dumbledore – With the recent JK Rowling bombshell, this will be a popular get-up for all your nerdy closeted male friends who love all things Potter. Just grab a staff, a stupid wizard’s hat and put a “Hairspray” or “Wicked” t-shirt over a giant old dusty robe. To really sell the gag, you must point to your long fake facial hair every time someone new approaches and slay them with the zinger, “Have you met my beard?” Also, take advantage of this wild once-a-year event and make out with as many guys as possible.

Owen Wilson – Put on the trusty blond wig, a big fake nose and a tight gray suit then wrap some massive bandages around your head. When people giddily ask, “Are you Owen Wilson from the latest Wes Anderson Movie?” you can respond, “No, I’m Owen Wilson from my latest suicide attempt” and completely ruin the festive mood.

Fat Britney – Yes folks, there will be a lot of Britney this year, and vying for your attention will be the version presented by your funny fat guy friend who loves to show off his nude gut even when it’s not Halloween. Fatty will don the black bra and panty outfit Spears wore on the MTV Video Music Awards last month. He will accessorize with a mangy blond wig (the same one he used for his Courtney Love outfit 10 years ago), a lit cigarette and old Starbucks’s cup filled with Jägermeister. Fatty may also opt for the angry, umbrella-wielding bald Britney, equally frightful, I’m sure.

Fire Pope! – I am most certain one of your pals will take a white robe a white Pope beanie (not the giant hat) and cover them with some kick-ass flames. This might be a stretch and an already forgotten news tidbit, but he’ll have fun explaining it over and over.

Ellen – Lots of blond wigs this year for sure! For this outfit, just add a frumpy v-neck sweater, some man-hating slacks and a pair of comfortable sneakers and you are Ellen. To become “Bawling Ellen,” just slop on a lot of tear-smudged mascara and weep a lot while holding a stuffed animal doggie. For optimal comedic effect, keep handing off the dog to other party guests and walk away.

Oil Barrel – Your political friends will get a hoot out of the guy dressed up as the big barrel of black gold with a $1,000 price tag dangling off it. He is also wearing a cowboy hat. Then after some intense chatting about the dire subject, they will go home angry, depressed and will blog about it.

YouTube Screen - Have a piece of poster board and some markers? Well, my friend, you now gotta costume. Just doodle a YouTube video screen around the perimeter and draw your best version of your favorite viral video inside the screen. Feeling fancy? Grab a screenshot, enlarge, print out and paste on poster board. “Chocolate Rain” guy and “Drunk Hasselhoff with the hamburger” should be popular as well as many of the vagina shots of your favorite classy celebutards.

Cast of Ugly Betty – The perfect group costume if you have a very homely friend you can’t shake.

Annoying Guy with New iPhone – Here’s another simple costume to throw together if you actually own one of these overpriced toys. Dress up like the web design guys in your office – black-rimmed glasses, dumb Fidel cap, obscure band T-shirt – and walk around the party obliviously staring at your new iPhone and begrudgingly letting people hold it. Repeat after me: “Don’t smudge the glass!” and “The coverage isn’t great, but sometimes I can get my text messages within the hour they were sent.”

Amy Winehouse – Most women love to dress a little slutty once a year (or more if you’re from North Jersey), but let’s say you’re not blond or don’t have access to a blond wig. Just grab a big bag of weed, put on some really bad fake tats and wear a little as possible. Warning: this is only a 2007 costume! No one will remember this flash in the pan this time next year.

Barry Bonds Home Run Ball – You’ll definitely see a couple of these guys bumping into each other at the parties. Your sports-lovin’ pals will be dressed in a large, round, white baseball costume with a giant asterisk plastered on it to show their displeasure at the tainted record. Others will simply be dressed as bonds in Giants uniform with a couple fake syringes sticking out of their asses.

Hot Rod – Go to any Halloween party and no doubt you will be swimming in a sea of guys wearing the same famous blue jump suit, funny helmet, that crazy Andy Samberg wig and… wait, scratch that… absolutely no one saw this disaster.

American Apparel Ad - Hey ladies, this is easy-peasy. Just lose 60 pounds, buy some flimsy, camel-toe enhancing American Apparel clothing, mess up your hair, put on the ashamed and frightened look of an underage porn actress, and lay down awkwardly in a dingy alley all night with your legs spread eagle. Now you are a proud promoter of sweatshop free clothing.

Hans and Franz – Break out the grey sweat suits and padding and the bad Schwarzenegger accents! Enough time has passed (15 years) that this once popular and very easy costume will be now welcomed as kitschy and clever. But don’t you dare go as the SNL Cheerleaders or Roxbury Guys, way too soon! Way too soon!

Action Anderson! – Any guy who owns a military-type shirt with epaulettes and some baby powder to sprinkle in the hair will want to portray their favorite action/anchor star Anderson Cooper! Sure, he basically just stands in front of a camera telling you bad news, but he dresses the part of an elite commando ready to spring into action and save the world with those little silly buttoned shoulder flippy flaps.