Dreamhouse? No: DreamHOME!

The most expensive home in America, the old Spelling place in Holmby Hills, CA (called The Manor) has “rooms just for gift-wrapping and just for silver and china display…” among many other special rooms. I guess everyone requires different facilities in their domicile. Some people really want an iMax theatre in their house. Some people like infinity pools.

Here are some of the special rooms I would need to make my Dreamhouse truly a Dreamhome. I will add to this list later if necessary.

1. Witch Costume Warehouse

2. Year-Round BBQ Tasting Centre (in backyard)

3. The [CORPORATE SPONSOR TBD]® Festival Stage & Pavilion (for my storytelling and musical performances only. Min. 20,000 seating capacity)

4. Exclusive All-Star Mausoleum and Memorial Gardens (by invitation only!)

5. Two-Car Garage (I need two cars, in case one of them breaks)

6. Separate Mud Room for Ghosts (leads off of ghost-only entrance)

7. Private Bourbon Distillery and Drinkery (staffed by the world’s top sour mash experts and bourbonierres)

8. Soundstage/Set Used as the Ricardos’ Apartment in I Love Lucy (replica is acceptable)

9. Real, Fully Functional 11th-Century Cathedral (French or Italian only; must be accessible from main house without having to go outdoors)

10. JCPenney (or equivalent-level department store, for emergency shopping needs)

11. Sparkling Clean and Scent-Free Polar Bear Habitat and Igloo Community (must be indoors; can be in the basement if necessary)

12. Egyptian-Style Mummification Atelier (local school classes can come learn)

13. Specialty Fudge-Making Kitchen (separate from the central and salad kitchens)

14. Ancient Roman-Style Dining Room with Toilets as Chairs (so you don’t have to leave, ever, you can keep eating)

15. Space-Age Butlers’ Hideaway and Lounge (think Barbarella for butlers)

16. Bicycle Repair Shop NOT Staffed by Assholes!

17. Courtroom

18. The House I Grew Up In (I want it incorporated — whole — into my Dreamhouse)

19. The SM Shrake Museum, Library and Historical Centre (pictures, ephemera; a celebration of my life!)

20. Filthy Gas Station Bathroom for Guests I Don’t Like

We’re gonna need about 1,500,000 square feet of space. Now, let’s get started. Tear down that b*tch of a basketball court, and put a g*ddamned Petting Zoo with Funny Chickens where it ought to be!

Read more SM SHRAKE at You Wanna Know What? and The Shrake-tionary.

TAGS: Aaron Spelling • Barbarella • BBQ • Candy Spelling • Fudge • I Love Lucy • IMAX • JCPenney