Drinking on $11 a Night: North to Alaska!

Some people see Alaska as a dismal place: summer lasts about 4 minutes and small house pets become food for eagles. And it’s really, really cold. Despite this, Alaskans are some of the proudest people I’ve met. Prouder of their state than Texans. Alaska is frequently the last stop for people that screwed up too badly to remain in the “lower 48″. A lot of Alaskans are nice. Some are glacier-dwelling rednecks (or as I like to call them, “snowbillies”).

As I walked around Anchorage I said hello to everyone and no one returned the salutation. On the other hand, I’ve never had so many people buy me so many drinks during my 5 day stay. That’s Alaska.

My goal in Anchorage wasn’t just to drink on $11 a night. I really REALLY wanted to see a moose. A bunch of Alaskans pitched in to help me out. As I was on KFAT radio with Brad Erickson explaining my goal. Motorists phoned in to say they were looking at one and sent me on a wild moose-chase. Some Alaskans drove me around to places where we’d be likely to see one, then drive me home after we failed. Inevitably they’d call me 20 minutes later to tell me there are 3 hanging out at a bus stop.

So my goal in Anchorage was two-fold; see a moose and drink cheap.

Also important to mention, and I wasn’t aware of this, the oil industry gives Alaskans a dividend check every year. These were distributed when I was there. $1654 to every Alaskan. That probably has something to do with all the free booze I received.

“If you get stabbed, we can’t have a comedy show”. So much for her concern. The reader will notice there are no pics of the Anchorage bars. I told the comedy club manager that my final stop of the night was a bar called King’s X. She flat-out forbade me to go. “It’s too rough a bar. I’m worried you’ll get hurt.”

I was tickled that she was concerned.

“If you get stabbed, we can’t have a comedy show”. So much for her concern. So I didn’t bring my camera just in case King’s X is a hang out for camera-stealing felons.

I was in Alaska RIGHT before it got really cold. Even though I was wearing a scarf, a woman from the club was wearing flip-flops. Everyone knew winter was about a minute away, and everyone just received $1654 for nothing. Everyone in the state was on a spending spree except me; I’m drinking on $11.

Destination- Anchorage!

Bankroll- $11
(Side-goal: see a moose!)

10:30 a.m.

Chilkoot Charlies

A wise man once said the future is uncertain and the end is always near. With that in mind I woke up this morning got my self a $1 beer at Chilkoot Charlie’s. “Koots” if you’re a local. The draft beer is $1 from 10:30 am until 10:00 pm. Koots has 10 bars under one roof, all with different themes. One is an old ice cream truck that has been turned into a bar. My fave is Burdland, with a slanted bar in honor of a bar that was damaged in the ‘64 earthquake.

I am also certain I have the softest hands, but I choose not to go man-to-man proving this theory. It’s an hour and a half until noon and I’m not the only one in the bar. However, I am the prettiest. The other guys look like crab-bait from “The Deadliest Catch”. I am also certain I have the softest hands, but I choose not to go man-to-man proving this theory.

Koots has several DJs every night, comedy on Tue-Sat, live bands and food. It’s easy to get drunk here, as I did one night and was asked to leave. I thought I was going to get fired but the club didn’t care. A friend told me getting kicked out of Koot’s made me an honorary Snowbilly.

Cost: Draft beer $1

Remaining bankroll- $10

6:12 p.m.

Five Fifteen Club
515 W 4th Ave

This is a well-lit bar that looks like it borrowed it’s décor from the 1977 Montgomery Ward catalogue. My favorite part of this place is the irony of huge glass cases displaying an extensive lighter collection. Over them are signs that read, “NO SMOKING”.

My first cocktail here was a “horny caribou”. The handmade sign priced it at $6 but that had been crossed out for $7. The bartender admitted she hadn’t made one in months and had no idea what to put in it other than Midori. I told her she could make it however she wanted as I had no other horny caribou to compare it too. She did and promptly charged me $5, (SCORE!).

The pricey libation attracted some attention. A 72 year old native (read Eskimo) with a Beatle haircut sauntered over and spilled compliments on me like gas on a campfire. She was arguably the most attractive woman in the place but blessedly, the effects of the horny caribou were not yet upon me. Fortunately my friend Brad from KFAT joined me at this point and I was led not into temptation and delivered from evil. Amen.

There is probably only one gay, blonde-haired Japanese man dressing like Inspector Gadget in the entire state and I found him at the Five Fifteen Club. Actually, I didn’t find him; he found my friend Brad and growled his approval at him like a dog in heat. A ballsy move considering there were men in the place that looked like they club seals for laughs.

I’m anxious to get to King’s X for my stabbing. After finishing the horny caribou we were approached by Anchorage’s version of Barney from The Simpsons. He was fat, drunk and obnoxious, and had hair like Slash from GnR. He stumbled to our table and said, “What you drinking?” I thought answering “horny caribou” was a bad move so I followed Brad’s lead and said, “Miller High Life”. Barney went to the bar and bellowed, “Two High Lifes for the low-lifes”. I bellowed, “Kiss my ass you yeti-smelling retard” but it came out “thank you.” I thought he was going to hang out with us after bringing the beer but fortunately Barney disappeared to socialize with an Eminem wannabe that had recently had his face punched into a lovely patch-work of contusions. My Paul McCartney-looking piece of man-bait was having her ass felt up by a man 40-something who was very aware of the 4-1 man/woman ratio. It was a good time to sneak out. I’m anxious to get to King’s X for my stabbing.

Cost: Horny caribou- $5 (discounted), Miller High Life-FREE!

Remaining bankroll - $5

7:35 pm

Polar Baar
5:07 E 5th Ave.

Brad and I are on foot tonight so that no one has to worry about getting drunk and crashing into a glacier. The Polar Baar is an easy walk from the Five Fifteen Club. We entered Polar Baar cautiously as Brad has been banned for life for “doing nothing”. The Polar Baar knows their clientele might be hungry so they offer a free salad bar that ravenous goats would snub. And don’t ask for none of that hi-falootin’ salad dressing either. Where do you think you are, in L.A, you lower 48 sissy?

I can’t recall who had what as I didn’t bring paper, because I’m sure the lads at King’s X would just use it to set fire to the ring of tires they’ll surely place over me. Brad and I had a beer each. One of us had an Alaskan Amber and one of us had something with the word “bastard” in it. I can’t recall who had what as I didn’t bring paper, because I’m sure the lads at King’s X would just use it to set fire to the ring of tires they’ll surely place over me.

As we were drinking our beers, (and I silently longed for another Horny Caribou), a cab pulled up outside. The driver got out and walked into the bar with a bow and arrow. I thought it was an Alaskan-style stick-up! Turns out the driver just needed a shot of tequila to get him through the rest of his shift, (here in New York City the cabbies prefer caffeine-PUSSIES!).

I asked the guy next to me if he knew how to get to King’s X. he said, “Good luck in that place. HAHAHAHAHAHA”.

Cost: Alaskan Amber, (I think Brad drank the Bastard) $2.50

Remaining bankroll- $2.50

8:30 pm

King’s X
1027 E 5th Ave.

It’s go time! If I’m going to get punched out tonight it’s gonna be here. King’s X looks like a hunting lodge inside. It has a high ceiling and a pool table. It is also the type of bar I don’t’ go into. It looks as though there is a 2-felony minimum to enter. Brad’s face gleams with confidence as we saunter in. Like a man entering prison for the first time, I pick out the thug I’m going to punch out if I need to prove myself. I find her sitting in the back.

Like a man entering prison for the first time, I pick out the thug I’m going to punch out if I need to prove myself. I find her sitting in the back. We took two seats at the bar. The guy to Brad’s left is unabashedly staring at us, while the guy to Brad’s right is recalling self-defense moves and trying not to belch up Horny Caribou. We asked for the cheapest beer they have which turns out to be Pabst Blue Ribbon. A spacious Eskimo woman I’ll call Mt. McKinley instantly warmed up to Brad and that seemed to take the heat off us. She was waiting for a guy she assured us was “just a friend, ain’t no fuckin’ goin’ on”. Lucky friend.

The phone rang and the bartender answered it and yelled, “Phone call for ________ (insert tough biker nickname here. I like Widow-maker). It then occurred to me, these people don’t have cell phones.

Brad and Mt. McKinley were getting along well when her aint no fuckin’ buddy showed up. His hands had several days worth of grime on them and he smelled like he’d been giving the Heimlich to a homeless man. He informed us he’s been at, “The X” for lunch today.

“I didn’t know they have food” I said. He answered, “They don’t, I had a pitcher”.

I’ve been trying not to go to the restroom and at this point I’m cursing myself out for not wearing an adult diaper. I decided the only way to fit in is to appear to be a thug. As I walked to the restroom I muttered a threat about how I was gonna have to kill my broker if he didn’t stop encouraging me to invest in soy beans. Mother-fucker.

Apparently it worked as we were not accosted by anyone.

Cost: PBR $1.50

Remaining bankroll- $1! Back to Koots!

Anchorage is a great drinking town and I’m tickled to be going back next June. Darwin’s Theory is another great bar worth going to, and you can even bring your camera. I suggest you eat reindeer sausage when you’re in town just because it’s funny. Spend your money on anything except souvenirs as they all seem to involve moose droppings. Anchorage sells moose-poop key chains, necklaces and even cocktail stirrers, (ICK). Speaking of which, Brad and his friend even found a moose for me.

Kevin Downey Jr. has a Funk and Wagnalls-like knowledge of dive bars across the U.S and Krakow, Poland. You can learn more about him at www.kevindowneyjr.com or www.myspace.com/kevindowneyjrsucks