Farmer Ted (aka The Geek) was best comedic teen role ever. Kudos Anthony Michael Hall.

Some of my favorite Farmer Ted quotes:

The Geek: How’s it going?
Samantha: How’s what going?
The Geek: You know – things, life, whatnot.
Samantha: Life is not whatnot, and it’s none of your business.
The Geek: So, you going to the New Faces dance tonight, or…
Samantha: That’s also none of your business.
The Geek: Are you inhibited about dancing in public, I mean, you don’t have to dance, you could just stand there with me and my dudes and just be you, and…
Samantha:  Sounds major.
The Geek:  So, I mean, what’s the story? I mean, you got a guy, or…
Samantha: Yes, three big ones, and they lust for wimp blood, so quite bugging me or I’ll sic them all over your weenie ass.
The Geek: You know, I’m getting input here that I’m reading as relatively hostile, I mean it’s jsut…
Samantha: Go to hell.
The Geek: VERY hostile.

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The Geek: Just answer me one question.
Samantha: Yes, you’re a total fag.
The Geek: Ha ha ha. That’s not the question.

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Samantha: This is Farmer Fred.
The Geek: Ted.
Samantha: Oh, I’m sorry, Farmer Ted.
The Geek: I’m not really a farmer. I’m a freshman.
Randy: Geek, can I be honest with you?
The Geek: Not if you’re gonna insult me.
Randy: [laughs] Ok.
The Geek: Shoot.
Randy: Get the hell outta here.
The Geek: Nice ma- nice manners, babe!
Jimmyy Montrose: She’s totally serious ass-wipe.

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Farmer Ted: By night’s end, I predict me and her will interface.

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Farmer Ted: This information cannot leave this room. Ok? It would devastate my reputation as a dude.
Samantha: No problem.
Farmer Ted: I’ve never bagged a babe. I’m not a stud.

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Farmer Ted: Do you know how many times a week I go without lunch because some bitch borrows my lunch money? Y’know, any halfway decent girl can rob me blind, because I’m too torqued up to say no.

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Farmer Ted: Can I borrow your underpants for 10 minutes?

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Farmer Ted: Relax, would you? We have seventy dollars and a pair of girls underpants. We’re safe as kittens.
Farmer Ted: This is a great social opportunity for us.
Farmer Ted: Come on! Do not embarrass me, okay?
Wease: For sure, we won’t.
Farmer Ted: Will you fix your hair, Bryce?
Bryce: I already did.
Farmer Ted: Wease, close your barn, all right?
Farmer Ted: And be polite to his parents. Okay. Great.

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Jake: [Jake is now holding Samantha's panties] These are really hers?
Farmer Ted: Yeah.
Jake: How did you get ‘em?
Farmer Ted:  She gave ‘em to me.
Jake: Did you…?
Farmer Ted: No! She cranked for you. I told her you asked about her, right? The girl freaked. She had a hissy. She thinks you’re the cats meow!
Jake: Really? She came up to me in the gym tonight. She looked at me like I was a leper.
Farmer Ted: Girls will do that, Jake. You know? They know that guys are like in perpetual heat, right? They know they shit, and they enjoy pumping us up. It’s pure power politics. I’m telling you.
Jake: I thought she hated my guts.
Farmer Ted: Games, Jake. Silly torturous games. You know how many times I’ve gone without lunch because some bitch borrows my lunch money? Any halfway decent girl can rob me – blind! Because I’m too torked up to say no. It’s heinous, I’m telling you.

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Jake: You better not be dicking me around. It’d be a major downer to try and get together with this girl and find out that she really does think I’m a slime.
Farmer Ted
: Jake, would I dick you? Let me put it to you this way, what happens to me if I dick you?
Jake
: I’ll kick your ass.
Farmer Ted
: Right! So why would I lie? But I feel compelled to mention to you, Jake, that if all you want of the girl is a piece of ass, I mean, I’ll either do it myself, or get someone bigger than me to kick your ass. I mean, not many girls in contemporary American society today would give their underwear to help a geek like me.
Jake
: I can get a piece of ass anytime I want. Shit, I’ve got Caroline in the bedroom right now, passed out cold. I could violate her ten different ways if I wanted to.
Farmer Ted
: [almost chokes on a pretzel] What are you waiting for?

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Jake: I’ll make a deal with you.
[holds up the panties]
Jake: You let me keep these, I’ll let you take Caroline home. But you’ve got to make sure she gets home. You can’t leave her in a parking lot somewhere. Okay?
Farmer Ted: Jake, I’m only a freshman.
Jake: So, she’s so blitzed she won’t know the difference.
Farmer Ted: Jake, I don’t have a car.
Jake: You can take mine.
Farmer Ted: Jake, I don’t have license.
Jake: I trust you.
Farmer Ted: Jake, I’d love to… I can’t.
[holds out a bowl]
Farmer Ted: Want a pretzel?
Jake: You sure?
[takes the bowl and sets it down on the counter]
Farmer Ted: Positive.
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Farmer Ted: [Farmer Ted is in Jake's dad car. Jake just saw he and Caroline kissing] I’m dead.
[the phone rings and he answers it]
Farmer Ted: Hello?
Cliff: Ted, you never called us back. What happened?
Farmer Ted: Look, wheez, I told you not to call me here.
Cliff: Ted, we’re dying, what happened?
Farmer Ted: You wanna know what happened? Buy the book!

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Farmer Ted: [noticing the car Jake puts Caroline in] This, uh, this your car, Jake?
Jake: No, this is my dad’s car. You said you couldn’t drive a stick.
Farmer Ted: This is a motherfu – ! This is a Rolls Royce, Jake.
Jake: So?
Farmer Ted: SO? So? I hear the grill ALONE costs five grand on this. Five grand! You have five grand? I don’t have five grand!
Jake: Then don’t hit anything.
Farmer Ted: [incredulous] Ha ha! Don’t hit anything

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Farmer Ted: [takes item from Caroline] Oh thank you, thanks.
Caroline: Ha ha ha! Now we’re both on the pill.
Farmer Ted: What?
[spits out]
Farmer Ted: You gave me a birth control pill? Do you know what that can do to a guy my age?
Caroline: I know exactly what they do for a girl my age. It makes it OK to be really, super-careless!

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Farmer Ted: Where the hell am I?
Caroline: I’ll, uh, tell you where you are if you tell me who you are.
Farmer Ted: I’m Farmer Ted.
Caroline: You’re in the parking lot in front of my church.
Farmer Ted: You own a church?

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Sixteen Candles Script – Dialogue Transcript




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Jeff
Jeff

I am the proprietor of usedwigs.com and I am regularly featured on happyplace.com and splitsider.com. You can follow my daily nonsense on Twitter. I'm also an avid runner and an animal-loving vegetarian, but not the annoying kind, I promise.

4 Comments

  1. Best 80′s teen movie EVER! Still waiting for the sequel. If one more person refers to Breakfast Club as “the sequel”, I’m goin’ postal. Not only was it great to see the geek get the hot girl at the end it was almost as great seeing Long Duck Dong scorin’ some action. It is refreshing to finally find a place to put your hand when you drive. Let’s give it up for FES(foreign exchange students)! Several people got their start in this movie; Molly Ringwald, Anthony M Hall, John and Joan Cusak, Gedde Watanabe! There are few movies that I would watch over and over, and have. Sixteen Candles takes 1st place. The 24 hr Marathon of A Christmas Story would be second. No ties in my book. You either win or go home. This movie wins every time! Gotta run. All you Oily Bo-hunks stay away from my sister!

  2. Best 80′s teen movie EVER! Still waiting for the sequel. If one more person refers to Breakfast Club as “the sequel”, I’m goin’ postal. Not only was it great to see the geek get the hot girl at the end it was almost as great seeing Long Duck Dong scorin’ some action. It is refreshing to finally find a place to put your hand when you drive. Let’s give it up for FES(foreign exchange students)! Several people got their start in this movie; Molly Ringwald, Anthony M Hall, John and Joan Cusak, Gedde Watanabe! There are few movies that I would watch over and over, and have. Sixteen Candles takes 1st place. The 24 hr Marathon of A Christmas Story would be second. No ties in my book. You either win or go home. This movie wins every time! Gotta run. All you Oily Bo-hunks stay away from my sister!

  3. Jeff Jeff Lyons

    Nicely put Kevin! Could not agree more.

  4. Jeff Jeff Lyons

    Nicely put Kevin! Could not agree more.

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