Below you’ll find a lot of funny people I highly recommend following if you enjoy the sound of laughter coming out of your mouth. Please note: These are mostly in chronological order.
Great pick-up technique: 1) Identify a potential partner 2) Win the lottery RIGHT in front of them
— blake (@Leemanish) January 28, 2014
Can you seat us far away from the table of people having fun?
— Bob Powers (@bobpowers1) January 25, 2014
My niece is running around without a shirt screaming pizza and now so am I.
— Sean Gabay (@ixSEANxi) January 19, 2014
I hate when someone says they're having a "party" & you're like "which board game should I bring?" & they're like "DON'T BRING A BOARD GAME"
— Tara Hepburn (@TaraHepburn) January 16, 2014
Sure, I have body issues. I can't fucking fly.
— Doth (@DothTheDoth) January 3, 2014
Stop saying you "forgot to eat." THAT'S NOT EVEN A THING!!!
— eve (@hello_saylor) January 24, 2014
Job interview tip: Bring a corn dog for your interviewer too.
— All Hail Jerry Renek (@jerryRenek) January 28, 2014
Probably the worst Transformer was Megachurch.
— Tomb Year's Eve (@CalmTomb) January 14, 2014
I was homeschooled and our school mascot was a half-unloaded dishwasher.
— hope cantwell (@hopiecan) January 24, 2014
Also my daughter just informed me that her American Girl doll came with a gluten allergy so I'm just going to go drive for a while
— Kelly Dwyer (@KDonhoops) January 12, 2014
Promoters make pro wrestlers change their names and yet still there have been two wrestling world champions named "Randy."
— Dan McQuade (@dhm) January 12, 2014
"maybe she's born with it" *cut to baby emerging from vagina wearing full eye makeup, the doctor shrieks, pulls fire alarm*
— SaraghAdams (@SaraghAdams) January 17, 2014
I will watch any movie that involves "going to regionals."
— Jon Solomon (@comedyminusone) January 2, 2014
Accidentally locked myself in my house today by putting moisturizer on my hands.
— Matthew Dolkart (@matthewdolkart) January 3, 2014
A sliding scale sounds like the most fun way to find out you're fat.
— Manbun Maxxinista (@VocabuLarry) January 2, 2014
Maintain a youthful appearance by eating Cheerios out of a baggie at work meetings.
— Adam (@MassageByTed) February 28, 2014
London has a "deputy mayor for policing and crime." Seems like a conflict of interest.
— DC Pierson (@DCpierson) February 26, 2014
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa…whoa. Take a deep breath and tell me what happened, chihuahuas.
— Bill Mc7 (@BillMc7) February 17, 2014
Want to sound smart while watching the Olympics? Mutter "poor form" every few minutes.
— Sam Montgomery (@sammontgomery) February 8, 2014
Sorry I keep apologizing for my increasingly absurd actions instead of just not doing them.
— John O'Connor (@johntoconnor) February 8, 2014
Say what you will about the new twitter layout. All I know is yesterday I was in a wheelchair and today I can walk.
— arbitrary milestone (@Psquatch) February 4, 2014
You know you live in a classy neighborhood when it rains and everyone dresses like Paddington Bear.
— Chip Chantry (@ChipChantry) March 29, 2014
I hope "Noah" has a good unicorn-drowning scene
— Musky Hannukah (@LostCatDog) March 28, 2014
*slams brakes* *pulls over* *deletes 4 tweets*
— Paul (@YesNoSuper) March 22, 2014
If your waiter says "Enjoy!" and you say "You too!" they're allowed to eat half of your food.
— Matt Wilkie (@WritingWilkie) March 26, 2014
I don't believe in Bigfoot; because he never believed in me. I'd scan the crowd at my ballet recitals, and always see that one empty seat.
— Don Nichols (@TheDairylandDon) February 12, 2014
"Hey, I noticed that you liked everyone's Facebook comment but mine…" – opening line to an email I'm sure I'll receive one day.
— Maggie Christmas (@maggieserota) March 16, 2014
I once floated all the way to England on Aaron Neville's falsetto.
— R McG (@RussMcGarry) March 12, 2014
My uncle says Obama's got that plane.
— Peter Karlin (@heykarlin) March 13, 2014
My favorite thing about airports? Probably the people.
— Alicia Hawkes (@AliciaHawkes) March 11, 2014
There’s no non-creepy way to peer out your blinds.
— Alex J. Mann (@alexjmann) March 7, 2014
"Turn off Retweets" should just be called "Strike One."
— Chris Regan (@ChrisRRegan) March 8, 2014
"Just have fun with it!" is usually a pretty good indicator that what you're about to do is not fun at all.
— Jessie (@NicCageMatch) March 8, 2014
Rolling Stone publishes 3-page centerfold of Bob Dylan's balls.
— Jocelyn Plums (@FilthyRichmond) March 5, 2014
If I ever saw a live crab walk into my living room I'd probably just leave the world.
— A Blitz (@BlitznBeans) March 6, 2014
I just want everyone to know I've learned my lesson & promise not to set up any more bogus charities.
— Chris Murphy (@chrismurphyusa) March 3, 2014
Harper Lee sure got sidetracked writing this bird killing manual
— Lawnmower Religion (@joshbupkes) March 19, 2014
My dog surprised me with a dead chipmunk but I was really hoping for a panini maker.
— Quinn Sutherland (@ReelQuinn) April 15, 2014
*stars own tweet* I earned this
— Brandon Scott Wolf (@BrandonEsWolf) April 18, 2014
Confession: I let the Microsoft Office talking paper clip babysit my kids a couple times in the 90s.
— Jeff (@jefftminston) April 16, 2014
*does legendary Babe Ruth point at Number 6 on the Wendy's menu*
— Yngwie Momjeans (@afbradstone) April 1, 2014
Maybe I'm gonna get in hot water for saying this, but does anyone have a Jacuzzi?
— Abbi Crutchfield (@curlycomedy) April 6, 2014
Tired of admiring someone? Follow them on twitter for a while!
— Sean Thomason (@TheThomason) April 8, 2014
A temp just ate like five slices of pizza, I am calling his agency to report him.
— Jim Grammond (@jgrammond) May 30, 2014
If you're a high school teacher who bombs on Jeopardy, I wouldn't blame you for starting a new life rather than face your students.
— Emily Toffelmire (@klickitatstreet) May 28, 2014
Taking a crapload of karate books back to the library
— Steve (@WigCannon) May 20, 2014
You can tell the dad strolling around the park with the ukelele really just wants to be left alone.
— Kell Andrews (@kellandrewsPA) May 20, 2014
Guys, we need to push that girl past some arbitrary follower number so she can spend two years unhealthily obsessing about the next one.
— Uncle Dynamite (@UncleDynamite) May 19, 2014
Been workshopping my characters the last couple weeks. The one that def needs the most work is "Cool Guy That Everybody Likes."
— David Futernick (@davidfuternick) May 19, 2014
Q. Are there vegetarian dining options near Epcot? – Diane (Saginaw, MI) — A. There's an Indian buffet on 441 by the Nissan dealership.
— Epcot Centre (@EpcotCentre) May 9, 2014
Only 90s kids will remember this: me illegally moving to America and stealing your job
— Atman Thakrar (@AtmanThakrar) May 14, 2014
For my niece's 7th birthday, I'm filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I'm gonna yell "Oh God! She was pregnant!"
— Matt Fernandez (@FattMernandez) April 30, 2014
I talk a lot of shit about bands for someone who gave Kid Rock $18.95 when he was 17.
— Matt Monroe (@heymonroe) May 7, 2014
If you ask me when I'm gonna have a baby, I will pepper spray you.
— Kendra Alvey (@Kendragarden) May 1, 2014
If you put your car in neutral, I can tow it a few feet if we tie it to my ponytail
— Sam (@SamuelMoen) June 26, 2014
Heading to Home Depot to get something I can use to make an already bad situation worse.
— Rex Huppke (@RexHuppke) June 21, 2014
I call my kids' pretend injuries where they cry and scream in agony when they BARELY get hurt "soccer injuries."
— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) June 16, 2014
Interview Tip: wear your tie around your head like rambo so they know you're serious about business
— Snorklhuahua (@weinerdog4life) June 14, 2014
Did you know they cut a second verse from the Blondie song "Rapture" that starts out, "My name's Chris Stein and I'm here to say…"
— Jake Fogelnest (@jakefogelnest) June 7, 2014
[at podium] Jokes about T-Rex arms are stupid & overdone! *crowd of T-Rex's stands* *light sound of arms flapping as they attempt to clap*
— Jeff Wysaski (@pleatedjeans) June 6, 2014
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
— Gloria Fallon (@GloriaFallon123) April 1, 2014
*arrives in Heaven* Angel: My son, your family is waiting fo Me: WHERE IS GARY GYGAX??
— Jason Miller (@longwall26) June 5, 2014