If a couple tells you what they're naming their child and you know a dog with that name, maybe just privately enjoy the fun coincidence.
— Julieanne Smolinski (@BoobsRadley) August 25, 2017
"You can just tell that dog is a really good guy" is something I think to myself at least six times a week.
— Zachary? (@GreenishDuck) June 12, 2013
Asked a cute guy at the dog park if his dog was a puppy he stared off dramatically and said "Yep… she's pretty new to this world" BYE NERD
— Karen Kilgariff (@KarenKilgariff) July 15, 2015
I've started wearing fatigues to justify my dog's reaction when I come home.
— Anthony DeVito (@AnthonyDeVito) February 8, 2013
why these dogs look like they bout to drop the most fire album of 2015 pic.twitter.com/NkeNVphiyw
— Dan McQuade (@dhm) February 25, 2015
I asked my dog what he'd actually do if he caught the Fed Ex person, and he admitted he hadn't thought that part through yet.
— Elizabeth Hackett (@LizHackett) May 5, 2016
If a woman wanted to marry me just for my dog I'd totally get it.
— Doth (@DothTheDoth) February 7, 2016
Not sure how I feel about someone else’s dog eating my trash.
— Erica (@SCbchbum) March 30, 2013
ADVICE: When you see someone for the first time in ten years, don't lead off with, "Hey, how's your dog?"
— Chip Chantry (@ChipChantry) August 28, 2013
Sorry I can't make it, my dog fell asleep on my lap. There's literally nothing I can do.
— Kendra Alvey (@Kendragarden) January 9, 2015
I don't have the patience to date someone with a dog named Bella.
— Mike Primavera (@primawesome) March 2, 2016
STARTLE your partner during lovemaking by announcing that you want to build a dog hospital.
— MKupperman (@MKupperman) November 18, 2015
Imagine a small dog with hooves. Picture it galloping through a casino. Everyone is cheering. Security will never catch it! There it goes!!
— Ted Travelstead (@trumpetcake) August 2, 2013
[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD
— Cat Damon (@CornOnTheGoblin) January 25, 2015
*encounters a soft dog turd with part of a Dunkin Donuts bag stuck to it* we're not so different you and I
— af🌹bradstone (@afbradstone) December 13, 2014
I'm sorry I pet your baby like a dog. I didn't know what else to do with it.
— Daniel Carrillo (@DanielRCarrillo) October 30, 2015
“This is a dream come true.” – my dog accepting the award for Best Baby Boy Yes You Are
— Quinn Sutherland (@ReelQuinn) June 5, 2017
Whoever said dogs are smart never saw my dog when a doorbell rings on TV.
— aaron blitzstein (@BlitznBeans) February 18, 2014
I told your dog he was a bad boy while you were in the bathroom.
— rob delaney (@robdelaney) January 11, 2015
The only trick my dog knows is that he yawns when I tell him about my life.
— Chris Regan (@ChrisRRegan) June 10, 2016
My uncles guard dog makes mean faces till you go away pic.twitter.com/NDO4VeMA5U
— Leah Tiscione (@LeahTiscione) May 14, 2016
my mom got me a cardboard cutout of my dog to take with me to college 😂 pic.twitter.com/ejyLnHEujI
— jake ostrowski (@jostrowski12) August 18, 2016
today was a costume party at my dog's daycare but he was the only one dressed up. he's traumatized pic.twitter.com/Ue35nIejMM
— mariela (@mariportsa) October 31, 2014
I know it's only our second date, Susan, and maybe I'm moving too fast, but I'd like to buy your dog.
— Jason Miller (@longwall26) December 13, 2014