I still like Twitter but I don’t read it as much as I once did. It’s my own fault, a lot of my feed is people racing towards the same easy topical/political joke or sedentary social justice scolds constantly outraged by people who don’t share their beliefs. Thankfully, I can still find some soothing silliness like the following hilarious tweets lovingly crafted by a bunch of clever and nice folks who keep a small nook of Twitter fun and weird (good weird).
It’s a pretty long list, perfect for printing out and reading aloud during a festive holiday gathering. Have a blessed New Year.
It's time we turn these loft apartments back into factories. The fun is over.
— Doth (@DothTheDoth) April 26, 2015
Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
— Quinn Sutherland (@ReelQuinn) December 1, 2015
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) April 2, 2015
Kids, the 90s were great. There were free postcards in coffee shops & free drugs in clubs & no one took a photo of anything ever.
— Kendra Alvey (@Kendragarden) March 6, 2015
Lil' Kim implies the existence of a larger Kim
— blake (@Leemanish) November 17, 2015
I ran my mouth during a freestyle rap battle again, and now I have to deliver and install 300 custom granite countertops by this afternoon.
— Cleve (@turbomanatee) September 21, 2015
My favorite part of election season is when all the awful candidates get in trouble for using music from musicians who hate them.
— Kashana (@kashanacauley) June 17, 2015
A vegan cookbook where every recipe starts with a long sigh.
— Andy Ross (@waitforandy) April 17, 2015
Posted this pic on FB & my grandma called me and said, "Are you eating? You looked really thin in that trash can." pic.twitter.com/JsUvkcjVMo
— Chris Thayer (@ChrisThayerSays) June 9, 2015
Whereas life once seemed so full of wonder, I now have a favorite brand of kitchen sponge and a second favorite brand of kitchen sponge
— afbradstone (@afbradstone) March 11, 2015
I'm quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi code Maybe Knock It Off With The Fucking Leaf Blowing, Gary.
— Elizabeth Hackett (@LizHackett) January 14, 2015
Tell your kids you love them every day! Do it at their Jr. High. Be sure you're wearing a fanny pack & a shirt with a picture of them on it.
— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) March 10, 2015
let your partner know the sex was great by dumping an entire cooler of Gatorade on them afterwards
— hope (@hopiecan) October 19, 2015
1. have a child 2. never mention it on facebook 3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos
— Jason Lastname (@JasonLastname) February 10, 2015
If you like to watch women appear in doorways so they can remind a great man about his schedule, you will love the Steve Jobs movie.
— Jim Gavin (@jimatdeltaco) December 14, 2015
*slips the maître d a hundred dollar bill* [whispers] Table near the router and your wifi password, my good man.
— Ray (@dragnut) January 28, 2015
Two rodents walk into a bar. No one notices. It's a shitty bar.
— Karen (Tozzi) (@karentozzi) May 31, 2015
Put a "I ♡ container ships" bumper sticker on your life raft to increase your chances of being rescued at sea.
— Chris Murphy (@chrismurphyusa) September 22, 2015
I saw a little dog obeying French commands from its French owner and my first thought was, “This fucking dog is smarter than me.”
— Gloria Fallon (@GloriaFallon123) July 21, 2015
If elected Bernie Sanders will personally yell at every billionaire.
— Jim Grammond (@jgrammond) October 14, 2015
"It's a Wonderful Life" 2015 ending: each of George's friends at home begrudgingly contributing $10 to his GoFundMe while rolling their eyes
— Alicia Hawkes (@AliciaHawkes) November 18, 2015
100% of the people who describe their life as a "journey" have DUIs.
— Atman Thakrar (@AtmanThakrar) August 22, 2015
Marriage is just texting each other "Do we need anything from the grocery store?" a bunch of times until one of you dies.
— Daniel Carrillo (@DanielRCarrillo) July 15, 2015
You know, for some people, the struggle is fake.
— Abbi Crutchfield (@curlycomedy) July 23, 2015
I'm 38 years old, but last night before I went to bed I had to rearrange a coat rack because it looked like a person.
— Calm Yule (@CalmTomb) April 29, 2015
[slurring] Let me hold your baby
— moody monday (@mdob11) January 25, 2015
My daughter does this cool thing where I never sleep or have friends.
— Steve (@WigCannon) January 9, 2015
"Is there anything else you'd like to-" "Bones." "I'm sorry?" "I want to see the lab from Bones. Maybe meet Bones?" pic.twitter.com/yBEGT4vofX
— Rob Wesley (@eastwes) September 23, 2015
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
— Matt Monroe (@heymonroe) May 15, 2015
My kids were disappointed when I told them there is no such thing as a Valentine's Day Fairy, even though they made her up last night.
— Kell Andrews (@kellandrewsPA) February 14, 2015
I will be the first wrestler in the WWE to slam my opponent from behind with an Adirondack Chair
— Sam (@SamuelMoen) February 26, 2015
I live by one rule: when an event photographer (wedding, school, etc) says "now let's take some fun ones" I walk the fuck away
— Andy Richter (@AndyRichter) December 13, 2015
Odd banner hanging outside my local bank: YOUR $ IS SAFE HERE. WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD? WHAT ARE THEY SAYING? THAT IT'S NOT SAFE HERE?!
— Ira Parks (@IraParks) June 19, 2015
why these dogs look like they bout to drop the most fire album of 2015 pic.twitter.com/NkeNVphiyw
— Dan McQuade (@dhm) February 25, 2015
Find the one thing you love and shut up about it
— Karen Kilgariff (@KarenKilgariff) January 22, 2015
A prequel to Disney's Cars that shows the full-scale genocide of all the humans
— Shane (@Shanehasabeard) April 8, 2015
If I'm at your home for more than 2 hours, don't be surprised if you look up all of a sudden and I'm in pajamas.
— TokenSuperhero (@MarcusTheToken) February 9, 2015
"And in the end, Danny Glover learned he had been just the right age for the shit all along." [closes book] Sleep well, kids. [light switch]
— Don WeNowRGayApparel (@TheDairylandDon) April 18, 2015
When I say I’m “up for anything,” I usually mean like 3 things, tops.
— Erica (@SCbchbum) February 10, 2015
Linens 'n Things. pic.twitter.com/01NglXcIKb
— Jon Solomon (@comedyminusone) February 9, 2015
Fruit bowl not in a great place right now. pic.twitter.com/1hdcMFyznI
— Arkansas Fred (@ArkansasFred) October 10, 2015
Can everyone stop taking secret photos of people sleeping on the bus or wearing something different? Life is hard enough.
— Megan Pettit (@meganshpettit) June 27, 2015
Hi. You might remember me from such foibles as “spilled beer on daughter’s report card."
— Adam (@MassageByTed) March 31, 2015
No more Mr. Nice Guy. I have finally completed my PhD in Altruism.
— Rando Calrissian (@VocabuLarry) March 17, 2015
Most Cathy comic strips use a classic three 'Ack!' structure
— Hannukah Lozenge™ (@LostCatDog) March 12, 2015
Nice try, ghost chair. pic.twitter.com/0br1AazxTm
— Sean Thomason (@TheThomason) September 15, 2015
plan: grow a turtle so big no one will be able to ignore me.
— rachael (@WookieOnUnicorn) April 19, 2015
here are what popular tweets are now – dr: sorry but your wife is bread. me: don't you mean dead? dr: uh… [ducks burst out of dr coat]
— Eli Terry (@EliTerry) March 19, 2015
Go to a spiritual lecture and laugh wisely in all the wrong places
— lanyard (@lanyardigan) March 29, 2015
I hate when planes get delayed instead of fly 30,000 feet in the sky with broken parts.
— aaron blitzstein (@BlitznBeans) July 8, 2015
A fun thing to do if you're ever caught in an avalanche is to spend your final minutes on Earth singing "Buried Alive" to "Stayin' Alive".
— R McG (@RussMcGarry) January 10, 2015
when you google a female celebrity and "Eating Spaghetti" is the autocomplete, it's because of me.
— Cullen Crawford (@HelloCullen) April 2, 2015
Gals, if you want to make that first kiss memorable, slip a live goldfish into your mouth as he leans in.
— Wendy Molyneux (@WendyMolyneux) November 6, 2015
Just saw this expression on Tracy Morgan's baby and had to take the rest of the day off. pic.twitter.com/KDBqbr5iye
— Tara Ariano (@TaraAriano) September 21, 2015
I remember when all I had to read on the toilet was ingredients on the shampoo bottle. Now I can read shampoo ingredients from my phone!
— Derek Lawler (@RowdyBowden) May 30, 2015
Out of all the rhetorical questions I ask my cats on a daily basis, "Why are you wet?" is the one I hope they never answer
— Nikki Walter (@TurboGrandma) July 22, 2015
I just want to be smart enough to know who the Google Doodles are celebrating without having to look it up.
— $pencer (@13spencer) May 13, 2015
NPR reporter just gave the most accurate sports report ever, when she referred to last night's Phillies starting pitcher as "the poor dear".
— Chip Chantry (@ChipChantry) April 29, 2015
Your dating bio says you love to laugh. This isn't gonna work out. I'm not about that life. No don't laugh you're only making it worse.
— ibid (@ibid78) June 28, 2015
Once in high school I gave away the fact that I'd never had sex by referring to the virgin mary as "regular mary"
— Dan gagliardi (@asimplemachine) August 13, 2015
I'd like to know more about the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man's navy stint.
— Emily Toffelmire (@klickitatstreet) October 24, 2015
A moment of silence for the long lost simple joy of buying a new poster.
— Ted Travelstead (@trumpetcake) August 3, 2015
This bar is playing ELO over the PA system & showing Hellraiser on its TVs. Looks like I found my Cheers!
— Morgan (@MorganCline) October 25, 2015
[tweets about social justice] Well, I did everything I could.
— Sam Reid (@SamReidSays) May 27, 2015
wait a second, I'm starting to think they want us to believe every time of the year is the best time to own or lease a new or used vehicle
— maura quint (@behindyourback) November 28, 2015
These are nice drums, but he's sitting on the wrong side of them. Common mistake among new drummers. pic.twitter.com/yUiUX2QgRE
— Dan Clyne (@danCLYNE) August 13, 2015
the original Pulp Fiction script had every character saying "now thats what i call some pulp fiction" after every thing that happens
— chris (@BassoonJokes) March 15, 2015
just got done mansplaining to my wife that I love her and the kids very much
— slick (@fanofhell) December 22, 2015
Humans: Okay, so Dog Negotiator: Yes Humans: Uh Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We'll do it Humans: I haven't even Dog Negotiator: I love you
— Star Wars Spoilers (@longwall26) December 20, 2015
Lastly, here’s my favorite video of the year. This woman is a MONSTER!
- Songs I Liked a Lot in 2015
- A Big List of Funny Tweets I Enjoyed A Lot in 2014 – Part I
- A Big List of Funny Tweets I Enjoyed A Lot in 2014 – Part II