Halloween Costume Dos and Don'ts 2009

"Wolverine" - There's nothing sadder at a party than watching a flabby guy in a white tank top with long scraggly sideburns and chopsticks taped to his knuckles trying to make time with the ladies.

"Teen Wolf Too" - Chicks love wolves, that's a cold hard fact, but some like a little sensitivity with all that fur and fury. Channel your inner Bateman (not the inferior Alex P. Keaton version) and shoot for the moon!

Kate Gosselin - Bad hair, bad tan, surly... we get it. If you go with this expected get-up (I'm pretty sure they sell the Kate wig at CVS), you'll be just one of many snarling multiple-moms glowering for attention. I know, getting your schlubby boyfriend to wear the Ed Hardy and the diamond studs sounds fun, but c'mon, Halloween is supposed to be scary fun, these reality clowns will just make it scary sad.

Michelle Duggar - Dressing up as this baby-pumping station is easy and fun. Momma Duggs has an atrocious multi-layered mullet sitting atop her god-fearing head. It looks sentient and on the attack (think Medusa) with the sinuous strands searching for fresh sperm to lasso in, keeping her brood of atomic super babies in fresh supply. Outfit? Think a more conservative Holly Hobby.

Bernie Madoff - I've seen the rubber mask, looks pretty realistic but fairly nondescript. Most people will think you're dressed as their dentist. Okay, maybe wearing the old-timey prisons stripes may help, but still, hacky.

Bernie Kopell - Everyone, and I'm talking everyone loves the lascivious Doc from the Love Boat. Get your self a little sailor's cap, some epaulets and start rubbing your private practice parts up against all the ladies on the Lido deck.

Mad Men - Lame. Lame. Lame. Quadruple lame! Listen, if you must do Mad Men, you and a friend could dress up as two gargantuan boobs stuffed into a slinky 60s-style dress and go as that curvy redhead.

Real Mad Men - Group costume? Go as a pack of real Mad Men: Charles Manson, Robert Mugabe, Chris Brown, Glenn Beck, Dr. Phil, Pol Pot? You pick. The ladies will eat this up, they love a bad mad boy.

Snuggie™ (The Original) Wearer - Snoozy.

Snuggie™ Wild Side™ Animal Print Wearer - Slutty!

Roller Girl Juno from "Whip It" - Cute idea, sure, but do you really want to wear a stupid helmet and roller skates all night, especially at a crowded 5th-floor walk-up party?

Sandra Bullock from "All About Steve" - Who doesn't love a quirky chick with lots of spunk and craaaazzzy clothes! Am I right, people? Expect a lot of hugs.

Yo Gabba Gabba - Foofa, Brobee and the gang sure are cute (and DJ Lance is way cool), but the costumes will take a lot of work and it's so hard gettin' your drink on wearing a giant furry mask.

Twee Pop Band - Dress like Noah and The Whale or Vampire Weekend or some other silly children's music band and you'll look cuter than a muppet baby hugging a newborn chimp.

"Twilight" Vampire - Brooding teen? Sucky idea.

"The Little Vampire" - Lipnicki! Bloody good idea.

Guy Fieri - You're fat, have dumb hair, a retro bowling shirt, and a penchant for saying, "That so money!" after biting into someone's giant sanwich. That's still no reason to dress up as this walking coronary.

Top Chef - Which one? Doesn't matter. It's just an excuse to get loaded (most of the cheftestants are serious winos). Get some of those fake sleeve tattoos, a white chefy coat and maybe a red neckerchief. So tasty!

Captain Lou Albano - Too soon, too soon.

Captain Sully Sullenberger - Hero! Hero! Hero!

Zombie Michael Jackson - Yes, MJ is dead (we think) and he is famous for playing a zombie in a video promoting an awful song, but let's not besmirch this always-classy, upright citizen by dressing as his undead corpse... with an undead monkey or child as his sidekick. Show some respect.

Zombie Michael Jackson - Not the aforementioned performer, but the famed English beer and whisky expert who passed in 2007. Put on some musty old tweed, zombie make-up and knock back an insane amount of potent ale for some gravely bad beer breath. You'll knock em dead.

"Ghost Hunters" - "Is that a ghost?!?" "Um, no." Three hours pass. "Is that a ghost?" "No, of course it's not..." Homely plumbers lurking in the dark never finding ghouls is not fun on a show and definitely won't be at a party.

"House Hunters" - Walk around the party critiquing the crap out of everything, especially the too-small kitchen, lack of closet space and no his-and-her sinks in the master bath. Bonus points if you friend dresses as your realtor.