*slowly slides entire leg into a stranger's cat door with tap shoe on*
— Sam (@SamuelMoen) September 12, 2013
Name your cat Jeff, then you can tell your coworkers all the cool things you did with Jeff on the weekend.
— Slaydrienne (@TheBlessMess) October 1, 2014
one time i opened a can of cat food & my stomach growled
— julia davidovich (@juliadavidovich) July 6, 2012
Grandma's house always smelled of Ginger and Cinnamon, her two filthy cats.
— Jose Arroyo (@seethingwithjoy) June 8, 2011
My cat just walked into my room, meowed once, and left and that is EXACTLY how I think he'd warn me about an impending fire.
— Anne T. Donahue (@annetdonahue) December 12, 2013
Well, Jenny, a lot has changed since high school. I mean, I'm still drawing Primus album covers in Mario Paint, but now my cat is dead.
— vladchoc (@vladchoc) January 9, 2013
Working late at the office every night because you hate your cat
— blake (@Leemanish) September 25, 2013
[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It's not working. His name is Socks.
— Dan O'Brien (@OtherDanOBrien) November 21, 2014
Adopting a hairless cat is like hiring a naked old man to walk around your apartment and never thank you for anything.
— Nikki Walter (@TurboGrandma) February 12, 2012
New wet cat foods:
•Ultimate Tunaiest Tuna
•Own Puke Feast
•Gravy Lover's Disappointment
•Slorfed Liver Bork
— Jacy Catlin (@ieatanddrink) September 5, 2013
Sorry I missed your party, I had a cat on my lap.
— Jessie (@NicCageMatch) January 18, 2014
Just found out that my cat, Jellybeans, is just an old bag of jellybeans. Still love him so much.
— Ted Travelstead (@trumpetcake) October 9, 2012
— Chris Regan (@ChrisRRegan) June 16, 2014
Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
— Quinn Sutherland (@ReelQuinn) December 1, 2015
People have asked us "is your cat dead?" before. http://t.co/MBaEt6NFyX
— Stay At Home Meme (@exlibris) March 19, 2014
Subtle way to ask for a raise: let your boss see you eating cat food.
— CalmTomb (@CalmTomb) August 2, 2016
I read that if you put jalapeños on anything it will make it better but I put some on my cat & honestly she's still a goddam mess.
— Wendy Molyneux (@WendyMolyneux) April 12, 2016
I sometimes pretend I'm dead just to see if my cat will try to eat me.
— Karen (Tozzi) (@karentozzi) March 23, 2013
I'm eating chocolate pudding with whipped cream out of a small glass dish with one of the good teaspoons. I feel like the Fancy Feast cat.
— lanyard (@lanyardigan) May 18, 2015
My kids, Warbucks and Nutella, don't want me to name the new kitten.
— Lawrence A. Voca (@VocabuLarry) February 4, 2014
Just caught a cat in my son's sandbox reading a magazine.
— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) May 19, 2014
The early bird gets the worm. But around the corner lurks Early Cat. Not so fast there, buddy. Here comes Early Dog.
— Derek Lawler (@RowdyBowden) November 19, 2014
4:21am. Just took one shot of Nyquil and one shot of Dayquil. This could really go either way. Also can't find cat/not sure if I have cat.
— Dave Hill (@mrdavehill) April 14, 2014
The fog comes
on little cat feet.
It sits looking
over harbor and city
on silent haunches
and then shits outside the litter box
— Elizabeth Hackett (@LizHackett) January 16, 2014
Sorry I'm late. I was trying to fit a kitten's entire head in my mouth.
— Kendra Alvey (@Kendragarden) April 6, 2013
*cat judge wakes up in a cold sweat* I ONLY GAVE HIM 8 LIFE SENTENCES
— slick (@dlicj) May 8, 2014
I didn't read the article, or see the movie, but I'm guessing it's because he's a kitty cat https://t.co/gBiWDovymw
— Andy Richter (@AndyRichter) May 12, 2016
mom's cat pic.twitter.com/4yt1eVSiQv
— Sam (@SamuelMoen) December 24, 2015