Holiday Shopping Tips 2009

• One large credit card bill will make you sad, so open a new card at each store you go to, including Cinnabon and Christmas City.
• Do not shop online. Somalis will hijack your credit card info.
• The Purell Dispenser/Ambulance Transformer is the season’s must-have toy.
• The online discount promo code for John Mayer’s new CD is “$UPERDOUCHE”
• Gift receipts show a lack of confidence in your purchases. Do not give them out.
• Strict budgets and detailed lists are for party-pooping tightwads. Christmas is about whimsical fun and making lasting impressions with expensive gifts.
• Have some friends going through a rough patch? Books written by reality show stars often offer great advice!
• The International Star Registry offers great gifts for friends who don’t mind massive disappointment.
• Send a loved one a much sought after invite for new GooglePorn app.
• Be eco-friendly, forgo store boxes and wrapping paper and re-use old pizza boxes and napkins.
• Be careful in stores. Protect your purchases by placing a large hissing snake on top of your shopping cart.
• Don’t think twice about it, the mistletoe belt buckle is a perfect gift for the office Pollyanna.
• If your girlfriend demands diamond earrings, by all means get them! And also give her this bonus gift.
• Haggling at the register for already-discounted products at big-box stores will show everyone else in line that you are a savvy shopper who means business.
• Land of The Lost and Love Happens mouse pads now 50% off at Five Below.
• Before they ask, offer your phone number, email, zip code, age and monthly household income to every cashier at every store so you can be kept up to date.
• Get very specific with gift cards. People like to focus on one store. “$25 gift card for Mattress Giant? What a great idea!”
• Cyber gifts are cool! Send your brother a tasty virtual beer via Facebook using one of those neat third-party applications.
• Shred all receipts as soon as you get home from shopping — again, to protect against those Somalis.

More Christmas Cheer!

• Favorite Modern Holiday/Christmas Songs
• Holiday Shopping Tips 2008

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