Live-Quessay: Top Chef Season 4 Premiere

Is it my imagination, or does Padma Lakshmi now pronounce her name all foreign-sounding all of a sudden?

Is (the exquisite) Spike Mendelsohn a Scorpio or what? What was with the awesome death gaze he gave the judges when he was in the loser column in the main challenge?

Am I allowed to call my very toothsome but somewhat boring fellow Scorpio Rocco DiSpirito boring? Although he rocks a pretty cool fake smile? Would you throw him out of bed for eating pizza? Would I? Would we?

Is it hip now to use as many F-bombs on these shows as possible in your interview footage? Is it a bleeps competition or a cooking competition?

Nevertheless, was Dale’s “You could tell some of these pizzas were f*cked” the best line of the episode?

Hey, Dale? Hung Huynh, the winner last season, called and wants his self back? Oh, and what kind of a shit-for-brains puts pickled kohlrabi in a pizza?

Is the kiwi, Mark, kind of intriguing, if a little bit of a crybaby? At least he’s not Australian, right? Can he please take that Marmite back to Kiwi land, though? Thanks?

Will the judges have the decency to send the following two people home before I have to watch them for even one more episode?: Erik, the Vegas biker/G.G. Allin-with-a-hit-of-Anton-LaVey-looking scumbag; and Andrew, the totally annoying in every single way guy?

Isn’t it sweet how the show is flattering Chicago “Boring Fat Loser Town” Illinois as some kind of gastronomic destination? I mean, there are some good restaurants there, but can we agree it’s not worth being there to go to them? Is the house where they are living, the “Casa Phatness” as An(noying)drew would say, a typically vulgar and soulless Chicago creation?

Is the lesbian couple in the competition a drama-inducing plot gimmick mixed with a Culture Wars provocation or the reverse? Does everyone’s cocked-head nod suggest the Culture Wars theory? Isn’t it one hell of a coincidence they both made it on the show?

After they announce that they’re a couple, isn’t it in fact audible in the background that someone says, “Are you lesbians?”

Did Andrew really call Richard “shark face”? Did he really not know that mayonnaise is eggs and oil? Even I know that?

Did Bravo circle the wrong answer on the viewer question results about whether the lesbians have an advantage? They circled 22% Yes? Shouldn’t they have circled 78% No?

Isn’t admitting you f*cked up with a touch of humor the key to looking graceful on this show (and every competition show)? Wouldn’t I totally do it?

About molecular Mohawk guy Richard (aka the new Marcel)… does he need a good night’s sleep, or what’s wrong with his face? Did the bagel truck run over it?

Is Richard’s Saran-wrapped smokey crabcake creation the best-seeming dish on the show tonight? Is that the problem with this show, that you have to take it on the judges’ word that stuff tastes good or bad?

Will Anthony Bourdain ever finally choke on a cumquat/goat blood reduction or a chicken-beak-and-snail trail mix so we don’t have to look at his sour/smug pissface any longer?

Am I the only person who thinks Chef Tom Colicchio is a very specific type of dick? The boss we’ve all hated while “cooler” (to him) coworkers kissed his ass?

Am I gonna have to ask An(noying)drew to go all the way back and sit down?

Could all of the potential losers tonight please LIGHTEN UP? Why are they acting like they will go home and cut their wrists if they get eliminated?

What does Geraldine Ferraro have to say about Nimma, aka Debbie Downer? How did I know SO early in the show that she would lose? Like, I assumed it about 20 minutes in?

Tags: • chefs • cooking • Padma Lakshmi • Rocco DiSpirito • Top Chef • TV