Mike & Jeff's Unearthed Videos: Styx, Squier and The Speedwagon!

Remember videos played on TV, mostly the MTV? Mike and Jeff sure do. Together, they have over 70 years of hands-on experience watching and remembering awesome music videos, and by “awesome,” we’re not talking quality. Using mind-blowing technology, Mike and Jeff watch a video at the same time in two different states (think NASA) and discuss the awesomeness in great detail harnessing the power of Facebook Chat. First up, Styx!

“Too Much Time On My Hands” by Styx (1981)

(Strap on a headband, have a drink and open the video in a new window so you can watch as you read.)

Mike: Let’s butter this biscuit. What do you have for us tonight, Jeffer?

Jeff: Goodness! Styx with Too Much Time on My Hands.

Mike: Wildly appropriate choice.

Jeff: Indeed! let’s press play.

Jeff: The gem is from the 1981 classic album Paradise Theater, a concept album if you will…

Mike: I will, Let’s open the doors to this paradise theater.

Jeff: DeYoung starts off with a flurry of laser hands on the keyboard. He seems to point a lot too, like our old pal Aldo Nova…

Mike: Sweet, Tommy Shaw on vocals!

Jeff: Tommy Shaw is one hot chick.

Mike: It is a wonder he’s sane when he makes those crazy eyes.

Jeff: I LOVE the fat drummer in the Captain Stubing outfit.

Mike: 0:15 The drummer told his friends, and those friends told more drummer friends and so on and son on….Attention Passengers: Lard ass Percussionist on the Lido deck.

Jeff: Lots of sweet special effects, Video Toaster is in full effect. JT Young on the ax has some serious shoulders pads, looks like Sean Young and Sigourney Weaver from all their 80s movies.

Mike: He looks more like Vince Young with those shoulder pads.

Jeff: Cool. Sports reference, keep the jocks interested.

Mike: You know what I like about paradise theater? The actors do exactly what the singers says. cold beer, 12 oclock news blues, though no mention of the drummer being in the navy. Crazy eyes Shaw. I think he is crazy. :58.

Jeff: FYI, fat drummer is dead, Mike, so show some respect… he was a bit of a drinker. I think that’s how he died. Anyway, any song using “brew” instead of “beer’ should not be allowed, no real beer drinker ever says “brew” unless you’re a McKenzie Brother. Ay?

Mike: You are right, my deepest condolences to the member of Styx who crossed the mythical river of the same name.

Jeff: Tommy Shaw’s jumpsuit has some serious moves.

Mike: Agreed. It’s as much a jump as it is suit.

Jeff: DeYoung shows some comedic chops at the bar, these guys are bringing the funny.

Mike: There are so many advantages to wearing a jump suit.

Jeff: Name one.

Mike: One being your cock and arms are in the same article of clothing.

Jeff: Love it.

Mike: What is the pricing structure on dry cleaning one of those things?

Jeff: Pretty affordable, I’d say Shaw is Size 2 Petite, so not much at all. 1:38 JT Young has the Chewbacca look going… oh and there’s a waiter playing bass in the background. Working the tips.

Mike: You failed to mention the 2-second pool game that ends in disaster.

Jeff: Disaster or Hilarity?

Mike: I guess it depends on where the pool cue landed.

Jeff: It’s pool “Styx” dummy, not pool “cue”…

Mike: Ha! I bet Dennis DeYoung has a custom pool table that says that. I am still at 1:35 and I would like to make a point.

Jeff: Proceed… I will back up.

Mike: DeYoung is sitting at the bar, a guy tries to sell him what appears to be one of many stolen watches. DeYoung lifts up his sleeve and voila! Too much time on his hands!

Jeff: Yes, subtlety is not their strong point, at 2:04 Shaw point to his hand then his watch… again, just in case you forgot the name of the song.

Jeff: His lapel flower squirts urine.

Mike: Ha, you are right. But he is not wearing a watch, but if you notice earlier in the video, DeYoung is wearing about 7. Band tension. It squirts Roboto juice.

Mike: 1:45. Those red bands hold DeYoung’s piano-playing lower arms on. Also, DeYoung’s eyebrows are like an additional instrument.

Jeff: Yes, those furry catepillars are also controlled from above like a marionette. 2:11 GOLD… Team Sax Solo… these guys are hoots!

Mike: They kick some serious brass… Edit that! Help me out here.

Jeff: Nope, that stinker is staying.

Mike: Paradise Theater also has eyebrow puppet shows.

Jeff: 2:23 Chewbacca with the classic eye roll.

Mike: 2:22 Greg Allman walks into the wrong video.

Jeff: 2:31 Sad foreshadowing, the drunk drummer pouring beer… good news, he ends up nailing the old broad.

Mike: His pick up line to the old lady: “I wouldn’t mind having too much geriatric poon tang on my hands.” zing!

Jeff: Christ mike, show some respect, she’s also dead.

Mike: This video has a lot of eye rolls and crazy eyes.

Jeff: Too Much Time on My Hands… Even More on My Eyes! 2:46 Shaw dry humps Young, could not wait til after the show.

Mike: He’s trying to get into the bassist’s jumpsuit.

Jeff: Capt. Stubing has the worst roto toms ever.

Mike: Neil Peart is turning over in his grave. Here is a list of situations where you are allowed to use Rototoms – 1. If your band’s name is Rush. That’s it.

Jeff: Um, Neil Peart isn’t dead… yet…anyway… 3:05, DeYoung showing some more of his patented physical comedy.

Mike: I like how in Paradise Theater you get both the comedy and the tragedy. Yes, Dennis will later give that waiter an 18% tip.

Jeff: It’s really a nice deal, plus the bus ride and two comp drinks included… Shaw’s bangs are very distracting, but I like the JT Young’s severe middle part with the massive feather…

Mike: JT really looks like Linda Evans with a thicker mustache. I don’t know how to answer all the questions in this song. Are they supposed to be rhetorical? If not, yes, there definitely is wonder why you aren’t president. You are wearing a jumpsuit and burning money.

Jeff: Have you seen Tommy Shaw lately?

Mike: I haven’t. How’s he holding up?

Jeff: Still hot, a bit more macho with a beard… think a tougher looking David Spade.

Mike: He look like a cross between Tom Petty and Lori Petty. And Richard Petty…

Jeff: Nice! You want to hear the worst song ever?

Mike: Do you want to stop asking the stupidest questions ever? I just happen to have some time on my hands, so yes.

Jeff: REO Speedwagon and Styx made a song together, no shit, fire it up!

“Can’t Stop Rockin’” by REO Speedwagon and STYX (2009)

Jeff: It sounds like something you’d hear at the end of a 80s Sly Stallone movie… like that Arm Wrestling flick.

Mike: This makes me want to jump on the REO Fuckwagon. They literally can’t stop rocking.

Jeff: “These guys are shaking, don’t bother knocking, they can’t stop rocking…” I think the next line will be “Gas, Grass or Ass, nobody rides for free…” I love songs derived from bumper stickers.

Mike: Tommy Shaw looks a little embarassed to be there.

Jeff: True, conversly, Kevin Cronin looks very pumped to be there.

Mike: He looks like he has Cronin’s disease. I saw someone play air harmonica as well as air trombone.

Jeff: Someone is playing maracas in this video. That’s not very rockin’

Mike: Oh fist pump and off to Great Adventure for you next gig. These guys truly have too much time on thier hands. And not enough money in the bank.

Jeff: This actually sounds like a Don Henley song from the 80s. That guy was king Douche. At 1:52 they leave the studio and head outside… to talk some more… and the rock follows.

Mike: Don Henley is a worse Eagle than Michael Vick.

Jeff: Ha! I’m still mad Joe Walsh joined that band… Yes, I hold 40-year-old grudges.

Mike: Oh my god, this song is really about growing old and playing music. So sad.

Jeff: at 2:17 Cronin either pretends to play a sax or… something else. Okay I’m bailing on this vid… do you have one?

Mike: I do.

Jeff: Hit me with your rythym stick

Mike: Go!

Jeff: Ahhhh classic Squier!

Mike: You can see the outline of billy’s Squier in the satin sheets at :04. One for the ladies.

Jeff: This video was featured in a book called “Quality Workday Distractions“… something about “Unintentionally Gay Videos”… me likey. The forceful double snap that hits the thighs is very very sexy.

Mike: It’s now featured on this feature in a section called Unintentionally book plugging videos. Um, he is naked at the beginning.

Jeff: Indeed! The snaps quickly segue into a very nice double arm swing… then he’s off… like Snagglepuss… exit stage left.

Mike: :19 “We need to make Billy Squier look ridiculously effeminate, get me Kenny Ortega dammit!

Jeff: Yup, this vid has Kenny Ortega written all over it… another classic.

Mike: :31, he changed his mind 73% into making a sleeveless shirt.

Jeff: 1:02 that’s exactly how I have sex… with myself.

Mike: Paula Abdul choreographed this.

Jeff: She did a nice job, it could use more animted cat. He has a giant collage painting of himself, so glad I’m not the only one.

Mike: 1:04 Glory Hole in the ceiling of the apartment below. 1:11 spooge rag thrown in the air. Nice touch.

Jeff: A glory hole is an actual term describing a small body of water in a larger body that does something cool… 1:17 insouciant marching.

Mike: He is really dancing around that entire room.

Jeff: I feel like there is a pagent mom off camera coaching him through this routine.

Mike: He should be on dancing with the stars. shirt rip. 1:27 New shirt 1:29.

Jeff: 1:30 “Shirt be damned!!!” 1:34 Okay, I need another shirt…. damn you beat me to that one.

Mike: Oh Stripper pole! What a slut! He is nancing aournd like nathan lane. Did you know that this set was later used as Monica and Rachel’s apartment.

Jeff: I’m still waiting for like someone else to pop over and say, “So Billy, um , what the fuck are you doing? Besides losing all your “Stroke” fans?”

Mike: This should be the video for “Stroke”. He’s looking pretty bummed, I hope there is a happy ending.

Jeff: He has danced over every single inch of that apartment.

Mike: Nobody rocks a ‘dana like Squier. Not even Chachi. This is a fucking disaster.

Jeff: What do you call that dance he does at 1:58… it’s like a cowboy shuffle move…

Mike: It’s the Icky Shuffle.

Jeff: ha ha nice… and very icky…

Mike: God, do you think his band knows he flounces around his apartment like this.

Jeff: Um, yes. First comment on the video from an embarrassed but true fan “one video DOES NOT define Billy Squier!! Squier is about music NOT what he does in a video!! brilliant singer,songwriter,guitarist,an d performer the 2009˛ˇ All Night Long tour is AWESOME!!!!!!

Mike: Screen name: bsquier1984.

Jeff: Ha! He’s fooling no one, nice catch, Sherlock. His band has to put up with this on the tour bus all day long. 3:25 he finally gets the fuck out of the loft.

Mike: This is exhausting just to watch. At 2:53 he finally takes a breather. He has jacked off 14 times and now he ready to go out.

Jeff: Good to see his band macho things up a bit… um, no, wait…sorry… 3:42 Keyboard player does very cute shrug. Coy.

Mike: Keyboard player does the one finger special. 3:42 And then he plays the keyboard!

Jeff: 3:46 Squier dressing down the drummer with a stern finger pointing. I might start working out to this video… My Tae Bo VHS is getting a bit old…

Mike: Nice work cock taco Ortega. A story well told.

Jeff: This song has more “Rock” in it than the STYX/Speedwagon collaboration, impressive…. and I thought it said Dr. Kenny Ortega.

Jeff: 4:39 band abandons instruments for group dances, similar to aforementioned “Friends” dance scene in fountain

Mike: I have to say, Billy Squier has been much cooler. OK well I enjoyed those videos thoroughly.

Jeff: Me too, see you next week? More shit will be served

Mike: Videos were so much better before concept, money, self awareness and irony ruined everything.

Jeff: Very true, Mike, very true

Mike: Yeah, 80s guys who can’t defend themselves because we are 26 years in the future, you fuckers have been served! See ya later buddy.

By Mike and Jeff

TAGS: Billy Squire • Reo Speedwagon • Styx