How Jennifer Aniston Chooses a Film

One year ago in the office of Jennifer Aniston’s agent.

Agent: Hiya Jen, thanks for coming in. You look fabulous. I’ve been reading over some scripts and I thought we’d try something different, you know, to keep you career on this great upward trajectory.

Aniston: Um, okay. (on phone, nodding head to agent)

Agent: How about a thriller/action movie?

Aniston: (puts hand over phone) Do I have to run a lot? I can do cute little running in heels, but I’m so not into actually “running” running, like from Terminators and bad guys and stuff.

Agent: Okie doke, no running for Jen, I’ll jot that down. Sad to say, that will preclude you from the action scripts I have. All of them have the female lead running behind the male lead for about 70% of the film. How about horror?

Aniston: Um, nooooo… still trying to get over the “Leprechaun” thing, next.

Agent: Oops! Sorry about that. How about another go at an indie flick? Money’s not great as you know, but possible Oscar bait is always an enticement? I think I have something about a long road trip with aimless souls and a real marketable lesbian vibe. What do ya think?

Aniston: Hmmmmm, filming in some disgusting desert for 6 weeks with budget craft services? Pass.

Agent: Of course, completely understand… okay, how about a…

Aniston: Um, I have a great idea! (she puts down the one) How about “Friends: The Movie”?! Didn’t “Sex in the City” make like a kajillion dollars? We would do so much better. We are so much prettier. I’ve been talking to the others and all of us would love to do it, we’re so excited!

Agent: (mumbles under breath) You’d be the only ones excited…

Aniston: I’m sorry, what?

Agent: Oh, sounds like a WINNER!

Aniston: Yeah, I think it could focus on what happens to Ross and Rachel 5 years later. Hmm, just thinking out loud here, but we’d probably want to recast Schwimmer, he hasn’t aged that well and I think people would find it hard to believe I’d be into him still… thinking maybe Eric Bana, Hugh Jackman or Zac Efron… any of those guys would be dandy. Can we do it? Can we, can we, please, please, please?! (clapping her hands and pursing her lips)

Agent: I will definitely look into.  I’m making a note to call some of the top movie producers in Hollywood as soon as we are done here. (writing doodles on his pad)

Aniston: Yay!

Agent: So, back to your next project. Straight up drama?

Aniston: Boring, not enough cute clothes.

Agent: Gross out comedy?

Aniston: Yuck. Something tells me I’d have to kiss Jack Black or some loser from SNL. Pass.

Agent: Well Jen, there’s not much left except for another romantic comedy and I’m sure you are tired of…

Aniston: I’ll do it!

Agent: What? I haven’t even told you what it’s about?

Aniston: Is there a scene where I do something klutzy but cute? Can I wear fabulous scarves? Is there a sing-along scene with coworkers or friends?

Agent: Answer to number one and two: of course. Number three, no, but there is a  Goo Goo Dolls love song for the soundtrack. In fact the film is built around it, but the song is not written yet…

Aniston: Perfect. Is he single… the Goo Goo Doll guy… my um, friend thinks he’s cute.

Agent: I’ll check. So were gonna do another rom-com?

Aniston: YES! Oh, wait, I have a great idea for a poignant line, “You got to give yourself permission to start living your life again”… isn’t that awesome! Someone smart should say that to me or the hot guy who loves me and then everything will get better… write that down.

Agent: Gotcha. (continues doodling)

Aniston: Oh, and NO animals! I think I still have some flea bites from that stupid dead dog movie.

Agent: Certainly.

Aniston: Oh, one last thing, I want a fat best friend.

Agent: Um, that’s a bit overdone, let’s go skinny.

Agent: Um, okay, skinny… but not pretty, right?

Agent: Exactly, skinny awkward… you’re the pretty one, my dear.

TAGS: Jennifer Aniston