MTV Hates Kids

Watch one minute of “Laguna Beach” or “My Super Sweet Sixteen” and try to suppress the following phrases from spewing from your mouth:

“Good lord, I see the future and we are so doomed.”

“A massive gonorrhea outbreak. yep, that is exactly what I wish upon this group of do-nothing teens.”

“If I keep watching, maybe their cell phones will explode like the radio in that jail scene in Bad Boys.”

“Man, the make-believe kids on ‘Everwood’ are so much nicer.”

Harsh words, but appropriate for these self-absorbed kiddies. Sadly, it’s not just these two shows where one can witness kids behaving badly on the once-we-were-music channel. Almost every teen-based show the network airs centers on unsavory and uncaring kids.

Remember “Rich Girls” with that twerp Tommy Hilfiger’s mini-show-horse-lookin’ daughter and her delusional chubby friend? Holy shit! I have never prayed for a Lear jet accident more than when those two imps boarded the plane for a cross-country shopping trip.

How about the ol’ Ashlee Simpson show? Simpson’s pervy, frosted-haired father forced MTV to make a show for his ugly daughter — despite her glaring lack of talent and an uncanny resemblance to a young Joyce Dewitt — or else he would not allow a second season of the “Nick and Jessica” chuckle-fest. MTV agreed and built another cringe-inducing show around another enfant terrible, this time going a bit further. Not only did they show her spoiled behavior on a weekly basis, but they forced the public to listen to studio polished turds disguised as music. Her record sales went through the roof. MTV laughed heartily. They cannot be stopped.

Speaking of Ashlee, the only way she can be stopped is to ignore her. Something that shows like the desperate “Saturday Night Live” cannot do. SNL is just plain lazy and must resort to publicity stunts and a string of ephemeral musical guests to suck in young viewers. How about writing a funny bit? That might help.

Now back to our regularly scheduled bashing of MTV.

These expertly edited half-hours of TV make for ghastly, car-wreck viewing and the honchos running the channel know this and show no remorse. They actual thrive on it. They revel in our abhorrence of these idle, trashy teens who lap up bad soandso-featuring-soandso rap, worship Paris Hilton and enjoy countless hours thinking about nothing but themselves.

Why does a major network and influence peddler produce such nastiness? I mean, despite making assloads of cash off of it with all the tie-ins, product placements and good old fashioned payola?

It’s simple. The execs at MTV hate kids.

Once young and vibrant, the now-wizened MTV bigwigs are bitter and old.

And taking it out on the kids.

These Hamptons-humping boomers run a very popular network that dictates what is hot (or not) for the majority of mindless teens who seek direction from style-over-substance simps like Sean Combs (I refuse to call him by any of his silly nicknames), Kelly Osbourne and Ashton Kutcher. Because these execs are now well past middle-age and closer to death than their teenage years, they despise the unattainable, lost deliciousness of youth. They cannot partake in the fun so they gleefully present their main demographic as callous, wanton wannabes, wiggahs and sniveling little wankers.

I realize these kids exist and yes, it’s fun to watch for a while, but please stop. We can’t get the stink off of us.

MTV has completely given up on the idea of “clever.” Many moons ago, the station brought us such edgy and hilarious gems as “The State,” “Austin Stories,” “You Wrote it, You Watch It,” “The John Stewart Show,” “beavis and Butt-head” and “Remote Control.” They tossed out this type of creative programming and replaced it with dumbed-down reality fare where a big, sloppy gal in low-riding jeans and a baby-tee mulling over a boob job is the norm.

I’m sure MTV could produce shows about likeable, conscientious teens who dig good music, look out for others and work a job every so often. These kids would get in their own sort trouble and it would probably be just as entertaining to watch. But I remind you, MTV hates kids. No airtime allowed for good teens, only horrendous little Hiltons, like the god-awful girls on “My Super Sweet Sixteen.”

I cannot do justice describing the me-first world these over-coddled cheeseballs inhabit. Please watch one episode. It will hurt. You will get angry. But you’ll know what the hell I’m griping about and won’t send me emails with the subject lines: “Shut up, old man!” and “Turn off the TV and Read a Friggin’ Book!” (FYI, the answers to both these queries will always be “no” and “Can’t, lost my library card.”)

The wealthy teens on the fake-reality show “Laguna Beach” do absolutely nothing productive. And that is fine for them — they don’t have to. Their parents are filthy rich and they don’t need to learn a trade or put a complete sentence together. They could however, learn to be interesting.

The cast is not good-looking enough to get by on looks alone, so they could at least be humorous, engaging or a tad wacky, like the O.C.’s Seth (from season one, not now, he’s just tiresome). Nope. Both the boys and girls are complete ciphers who mumble and giggle nervously every time their wordholes open. The show is in desperate need of a funny fat friend or snide alterna-chick. Someone get me central casting.

It is nice to see MTV’s hatred of youth embraces both the lower and higher classes. The hoary producers don’t discriminate on income level. Whether you kick it in a mansion or mobile home, if you’re a dumb teen who hoots and hollers along with the audience on the “Maury Show” and considers shopping for ring tones time well spent, well then, MTV has a lurid show for you. They’ll raid your room looking for sperm flakes, send you on a date with a skanky mom or document your shopping addiction.

Come on MTV, we know you’ve given up on music, but don’t completely give up on decent programming. Stop being haters and feel some love. A little wit, humanity and humor isn’t gonna scare off your young viewers, they’ll appreciate the challenge.