Open Letter to Concert-Going Idiots

OK so, last week my good buddy Phil (our Jandek correspondent) offered me a last-minute ticket to see R.E.M., Modest Mouse, and The National at the Mann in Philadelphia. Even though I already had thrilling plans for the evening (patching stucco), I sucked it up and relented. A very quick review:

The National: they went on at 7:00, which is generally a tad early to expect Philly folks; it was only about 1/6 of the way full. Well, those who missed it, it was your loss – an engaging and powerful set, heavy on tunes from last year’s success The Boxer, with the full six piece plus two horn players as well. You hear it in their live show more than ever – these lads clearly spent time with their U2 when they were youngsters, particularly when it comes to the dynamics and the drumming. The lead singer also has a bit of an early Morrissey thing going on as far as the way he carries himself on stage and approaches the mic…which is a nice segue to…

Modest Mouse: with former Smiths guitarist Johnny Marr in tow, they were loud, bashing, and breathed new fire into tracks from older discs like The Moon and Antarctica, some of which were a bit loose at the joints on record and were tight powerhouses live. The venue was still filling up at this point, which added to the muddiness of the sound…I was wishing dearly that it was mixed better because there was all kinds of cool stuff going on (accordion, double-bass, interesting percussion) that you couldn’t hear AT ALL because the mix was, as usual, all about the drums and bass overpowering everything else, the guitars a close second, and the vocals a distant afterthought. Still, I thoroughly enjoyed it and it makes me want to listen to the latest disc again more carefully. Bravo!

R.E.M.: My first concert was R.E.M., on the Green tour in 1989 (Throwing Muses opened, to put that in context). It was fairly heavy to realize that the last time I saw them was at that show, and that was… amazingly… insanely…19 years ago. What was more incredible was that I have to say, and I realize this is heresy, that I kinda enjoyed this show more. Granted, my seats were way better, the light show was aces, and as a new contact lens wearer the first time around, I literally wanted to claw my eyes out about halfway through the show as they stung and throbbed with second-hand pot smoke. Still, no matter how much the band has meandered in the years since, the set list proved that since Green the band really has released a battery of killer music. They were amazingly tight, threw unexpected gems (and even an off kilter request!) into the set-list without missing a beat, and really ROCKED. Plus, Michael Stipe now has that weird old-guy wiggly vein on his right temple (what the hell IS that?) – the same odd doodad that baldy Jeff Daniels sports in Iron Man. Also, Eddie Vedder happened to be there and jumped up on stage for “Begin the Begin”. Get some.

But friends, that is not why I was moved to write this. What I am really writing is an open letter to concert-going idiots. Without fail, every single friggin’ show I go to, there is at least one idiot within a two-row, four-seat radius (the incidence goes up exponentially for each mainstream radio hit the band has in their catalog). Is it just me? I really don’t think so, but even if it is, well, too bad – get your own damn website to vent on.

I just have a few public service announcements for you if you are one of these people, because you might not know what the point of a concert (i.e. a live performance of music) is, and I’d like to help you out.

1. Nobody Wants To Hear You Sing

First of all, you can’t sing. But that is beside the point. Even if you could sing, you’d have a hard time singing in key with the music as it bounces all over the place in these giant theatres. Also, beside the point. Concerts cost a lot of money – now more than ever – and it is only fair for people who put down their hard earned cash to actually get what they pay for – to hear the artist/band perform the songs; not to listen to your dumb-ass caterwauling. Why, oh why must you do this? You obviously think that people care – but no, because you know all the words, people are not thinking to themselves “wow, they are a SUPERFAN! They know all the words to that rare early gem and they’re screaming it like they’ve been screaming it in their bedroom since they were 12! They RULE!” They are, in fact, daydreaming of filling your mouth with cement.

Also, the one person with the guts to ask you to stop singing/screaming (and who you will of course then stare at for the rest of the show and hate with the anger of a billion burning suns…perhaps taunt audibly…who knows…), is not the only one who hates your singing. Everyone does. Everyone.

Knowing when to sing at concerts is the same as having basic social awareness, which many people, I realize, do not have. If you watch for the cues, perhaps the singer holding the mic out to the crowd or beckoning for everyone to sing along, THOSE are the appropriate times to sing. Between songs? Go nuts, muchacho. Otherwise, shut yer yap.

Sing along with the CDs in your car – they’ll never change or confuse you by doing anything you don’t expect. When a real live musician does, you ruin it for everyone around you. In fact, you actually look as though you’re lost and don’t know what is happening… like you’ve been betrayed because they altered a phrase or something. It’s lonely there, isn’t it.

P.S. You’re singing for the BAND? They can’t hear you, nimrod. Shockingly, this holds true even if you hold your beer up and scream until your throat separates.

P.P.S. You’re in a small, tiny venue like the Tin Angel and they actually CAN hear you? Give them some space, OK? You need to be medicated.

2. Nobody Wants To Watch You Dance

If the whole joint is standing up? Stand up and boogie! If you’re in the back row and there’s nobody behind you and you wanna shake it a bit? Fire it up! If the whole place is sitting and you and four friends just can’t… fight… the urge… and HAVE to stand up and dance?

You are an inconsiderate jackass. You’re an exhibitionist, which is evidenced by your not-so-sly looking around every once in a while to see who might be watching you. I see you…even though I don’t want to…but I don’t have a choice, since your arse in my face is the only visual I have to accompany the music. Do it in the aisles, do in the back, do it ANYWHERE where you’re not standing directly in front of other people not sharing your urge to get footloose.

3. Nobody Cares If You Know The Words Or Not

What could you possibly be trying to do when you lip sync along with the music and either do it right in the face of your friends (“yo, check me out, I KNOW THE WORDS TO THIS CHORUS!”), or incredibly, turn around with your back to the stage. I simply cannot even fathom why someone would do this. Perhaps they fancy themselves sort of like a booster cell tower for the band… they’re just helping to radiate the energy a little further back. Are you serious? Your back to the stage? Facing people you don’t even know? Keep it in the Karaoke bar.

Oh, and guess what, you’re not fooling anyone when it comes to the verse that you don’t know, and to hide it you sorta act like you’re so enraptured that you have to put your head down with your hair in front of your face…or head bang. Amazingly, people are not there to watch you, so you don’t really need to keep up appearances and put in a flawless performance. Relax. You’re at the show – people get that you’re a fan. You don’t need to be doing anything. Just enjoy.

4. Go Somewhere Else Instead

a. If you have only come to the concert to converse with your friends (screaming) atop the music (once in a while stopping for five seconds to look toward the stage, and bob your head as if to re-establish that you are actually attending to a performance).

b. If you are in a GA, standing room only venue, you are over 6’-2”, and you have parked your enormous Howdy Doody head anywhere but off to the side.

c. If you are in a GA, standing room only venue, and are one of those total a-holes who pushes his/herself to the front of the stage by shoving others out of the way, as if you somehow have more of a right to be there than they do (so damn it, you’re gonna make it happen!). Didn’t you learn anything in nursery school?

d. If you have only come to the concert to twitter about the fact that you are at the concert, and constantly look around the crowd nervously for other people you might know.

5. Nobody is Laughing With You

You’re not funny. You’re not cool. You’re distracting, annoying, and inconsiderate. You are in the very small minority, and people tend to band together in times of difficulty. It’s amazing what enough of them with a common itch to scratch can do with a cement mixer.

Tags: COncert Etiquette • idiots • Modest Mouse • REM • The National