Behold the tweets of some very funny Philly area denizens… a few of them don’t live here any more because I guess they’re better than us or famous now or whatever.
Whereas life once seemed so full of wonder, I now have a favorite brand of kitchen sponge and a second favorite brand of kitchen sponge
— afbradstone (@afbradstone) March 11, 2015
Skinny Girl margaritas are for women who call each other "chica" in emails
— Nikki Walter (@TurboGrandma) September 26, 2014
I'm sorry, but I believe that marriage is between a man and a woman and that woman's crazy Greek family.
— Chip Chantry (@ChipChantry) June 26, 2015
Hi, welcome to America. We have 18 different reality shows about cake
— Randi Lawson (@RandiLawson) February 21, 2015
"What? I thought YOU were mad at ME!" – What would be a pretty good ending to Batman v Superman, I think.
— Paul F. Tompkins (@PFTompkins) March 23, 2016
"These kids just wanted to catch some monsters…but that monster caught them instead." – Ice-T in a future Pokémon Go-themed SVU episode
— Rob Wesley (@eastwes) July 13, 2016
The private, momentary shame when you finally hear spoken a word you've only seen in print and you're way the hell off on the pronunciation.
— Kristin (@FeralCrone) April 16, 2016
This Week's UK Top 40:
1. The Right Proper Lads – "Knackered & Chuffed"
2. Crisp Nickers – "We'll Nick Ya Crisps"
3. The Tossers – "Blokes!"
— Ethan Booker (@Ethan_Booker) October 18, 2014
For $5 I will go to the funeral of someone you hate and start a slow clap.
— Matt Monroe (@heymonroe) October 1, 2014
I don't know what any of these words mean. pic.twitter.com/HSAOMozTVd
— Maggie Serota (@maggieserota) August 17, 2015
Can Ted Cruz legally be president since he's a cursed doll come to life?
— Mike Benner (@benner) March 4, 2016
When you’re in witness protection but want to go to the ballgame pic.twitter.com/S5nez5mzhH
— Dan McQuade (@dhm) September 10, 2015
Life is too short, stupid, pointless, and boring to have a negative attitude.
— Jim (@jgrammond) November 30, 2012
When someone calls me "doll", I assume it's cause my eyes are dead.
— Mary Radzinski (@MaryRadzinski) February 26, 2014
I assume David Bowie and Lemmy are casually ignoring Glen Frey right now.
— Holding Court (@holdingcourtpod) January 18, 2016
EVERYBODY MAKE SOME MUTHAFUCKIN NOOOOIIIIIIISSSSEEEE! https://t.co/r2sgmFWx6M
— Mike Meech (@meechone) July 5, 2016
Best possible scenario for the Eagles right now would be for Swoop to run me over with the Eagles Youth Partnership bus
— Arkansas Fred (@ArkansasFred) September 20, 2015
Maybe more people would listen to classical music if the song names weren't all German words followed by a router number.
— Doogie Horner (@DoogieHorner) December 17, 2015
At a really sketchy kids' party venue. I'm guessing "nightclub for kids" means "we just lost our liquor license."
— Kell Andrews (@kellandrewsPA) June 21, 2014
I would like to take the words 'draft', 'king', 'fan' and 'duel', put them onto a rocket ship, send it into space & blow it into oblivion.
— Rob McElhenney (@RMcElhenney) October 9, 2015
I'm 38 years old, but last night before I went to bed I had to rearrange a coat rack because it looked like a person.
— CalmTomb (@CalmTomb) April 29, 2015
When dad comes in from shoveling and sees you on the couch pic.twitter.com/uyPDDPBVB6
— Joseph Murray (@PPDJoeMurray) January 23, 2016
man, it's gorgeous inside today
— Jacquie Baker (@BakerJacquie) March 8, 2016
Before automobiles, the most frequent cause of traffic jams would be when horses stopped to make out with each other.
— Aaron Nevins (@AaronNevins) June 1, 2011
when u mash an onion ring in your iPhone keyboard but the commentary must go on pic.twitter.com/oJR2v8JEQu
— Treb (@treblaw) December 3, 2015
The easiest part of shooting fish in a barrel is getting the gun
— James Hesky (@JamesHesky) June 13, 2016
Show Idea: "Is This A Knife?" Reality show where contestants design knives. Paul Hogan judges which are, and which are not knives.
— Your Pal (@Notgiamatti) September 2, 2012
Philadelphia garbage men don't actually collect trash they just fistfight your garbage cans. pic.twitter.com/ZL35k9uOx6
— Tim Butterly (@timbutterly) June 13, 2014
Let's assume that if you can run a full marathon, you can also run a half marathon. pic.twitter.com/ixO3yEkIJk
— Travis (@bakesale77) May 14, 2016