Twitter is a contest and every day I pick the winner (except for Sundays, that's when the Lord and I rest). Have a suggestion? Lemme know.
September 1
Charlie Murphy suffers from Clint Howard Effect: his face is so close to his celeb sibling's, only somehow, it's 10x creepier.
- straintest
August 31
It's a tough moment in a young man's life when he realizes he no longer finds the shirts at bustedtees.com funny.
- croninwhocares
August 30
I make my best decisions after a glass of wine. Except for the decision to have a glass of wine, which I make after five beers.
- pomranz
August 28
I am never not terrified when I'm inside a 7eleven.
- Imaliwaller
August 27
If you lined up every car Jay Leno owns - bumper to bumper - and then measured how far it stretched, his show would still be horrible.
- elibraden
August 26
John Travolta and Kelly Preston don't care about the sex of the baby, just that it has all of its fingers, toes, and antennae.
- WadetoBlack
August 25
I have been watching this nonstop for the past six hours: http://tinyurl.com/2a6mq5v
- mrdavehill
August 24
If there was truth in advertising, waterproof mascara would be called, "You cry too much".
- juliasegal
August 23
The saxophone still hasn't been brought to justice for everything it did in the 1980s.
- ChrisRRegan
August 21
If old people keep asking me where my boyfriend is, I'm going to start telling them "he's off to war" so that way they can feel bad too.
- joselynhughes
August 20
Oh shirtless rollerblader with poles riding down a busy street at rush hour, I could never run you over enough times.
- johnmoe
August 19
Can we start calling spinsters "unmanned drones"?
- daveshumka
August 18
It takes two to tango and three to do a really weird three person dance.
- seanoconnz
August 17
Oh crap it's tuesday... I owe a lot of people hamburger money.
- mccarthyredhead
August 16
If you're singing a sad version of "Piece of My Heart" while cutting your own hair, it's probably not gonna be a fun look for Fall.
- emilymayamills
August 14
I've gained enough weight to dramatically increase my risk of death by drowning in a chocolate river.
- toddlevin
August 13
Don't forget to avoid doorknobs. Kids lick those things.
- DearAnyone
August 12
The Boston Tangler #offbrandserialkillers
- ApocalypseHow
August 11
I have mysterious grease stains on my shirt. Not in the "How'd those get there" way but in the "Which cheeseburger is responsible" way.
- VaginaDrum
August 10
Cross your fingers for me! It's down to me and another guy for the lead in this diarrhea medicine commercial.
- jonwurster
August 9
Update! Hey, @pattonoswalt, can you put "DUI Allowance for Opener" in your rider real quick?
- kylekinane
August 7
I don't know if the people in the apt building across from mine have seen me naked, but they've definitely seen me kiss my cat on the mouth.
- Imaliwaller
August 6
The Priceline Negotiator is doing a pretty shit job of getting me a 4-star hotel for $50.00 a night.
- HeyItsLiam
August 5
enjoy Jersey Shore now ... they're gonna get around to your ethnicity soon enough.
- pauldanke
August 4
Just pressed my buttocks against a stranger & farted angrily because he said "I own a boutique PR firm" to a lady.
- robdelaney
August 3
Man, if you told me "Bomb-ass" would be a positive adjective when I was a kid I would have stared at you and asked what an adjective was.
- Braunger
August 2
Daughter needs a haircut. Her hair has gone from "adorable & free-spirited" territory to "home-schooled & plays with faceless dolls."
- stevehuff
July 31
I happen to know the new American Idol judges will be Joyce DeWitt, a parking meter, Willard Scott and the guy who sang "Chocolate Rain."
- anthonydevito
July 30
ATTENTION BEARS: Kate Gosselin and Sarah Palin are planning a camping trip together. More details as they become available.
- toddmarrone
July 29
My left foot drew a penis on my right foot while it was asleep.
- joshcomers
July 28
I want the NFL season to start in the worst way. With a pterodactyl attack.
- dubouchet
July 27
there are two types of people on twitter: people I enjoy following, and people I'm afraid will confront me if I unfollow them.
- morgan_murphy
July 26
Today we canceled cable and I feel truly free free for the first time in my life just kidding I'm fucking terrified.
- Randazzoj
July 24
Ugh. Made the mistake of going to SundayComicCon. Surrounded by people dressed as the Lockhorns and "Not Me" from "Family Circus".
- timcarvell
July 23
Be quiet RT @iamdiddy: rt rt rt rt !!!!! Be inspired!!! be motivated!!!! BE GREAT!!!!
- RealJeffreyRoss
July 22
Ellen Page walks with the grace of an injured football player.
- TheBiggIdea
July 20
Ellen is looking more and more like Wayne Gretzky.
- daveshumka
July 19
#5 on the Fastest-Rising Baby Name List for Girls in 2010? "Sookie" #17 is "Ever" - I would sooner name a baby girl "Waffle Iron."
- Caissie
July 17
Central Park on a 90 degree day is great, if you enjoy watching pasty Midwesterners in Snoopy t-shirts slowly lose the will to live.
- ChristFinnegan
July 16
Um, I know we're happy we capped the oil spill, and I hate to bring it up, but: There's 20,000 barrels of oil gushing into my apartment now.
- timcarvell
July 15
Please understand: I wish nobody any harm. I merely said, I'd watch Kate Gosselin on a show about her cremation.
- MJMcKean
July 14
Whenever I hit "Print" but then follow that with "...As PDF", I try not to make eye contact with my printer.
- MyPointWas
July 13
About to try and find out if you get a free iPad when you slip and fall down the stairs at the Apple store.
- mrdavehill
July 12
I like my goat cheese so fresh, you can still taste the tin cans and hobo finger.
- ApocalypseHow
July 11
My favourite female superhero is probably Spiderma'am.
- serafinowicz
July 10
Got my 1st tattoo today. Now when asked what band had the biggest impact on me I roll up my sleeve and there it is: Minor Treat. Oh fuck.
- jonwurster
July 9
My barber doesn't use any disinfectant & keeps all the razors combs & scissors on a hairy hand towel. Great. I probably have hair cancer now.
- gabedelahaye
July 8
Go fuck yourself? RT @KingJames: It's your chance to ask me a question about my decision, use #lebrondecision
- meechone
July 7
“Man, I write some funny shit when I’m stoned.” (guy in for a rude awakening.)
- joshcomers
July 6
I love the Nike commercial with Wayne Rooney and Ronaldo. Is there a reason they didn't do any of that stuff in the actual games?
- scharpling
July 3
Just visited MySpace. Half the lights are out, bears are living in my comments section, and a homeless guy's been pooping in my blog.
- pattonoswalt
July 2
These days, being flagged down by Mexican men in the Home Depot parking lot is the closest I get to feeling attractive.
- toddlevin
July 1
So Mel Gibson is technically single?
- ChelseaVPeretti
Keep in Touch:
Thanks for featuring me. Now please stop calling me at home.
Anthony DeVito | Aug 7, 2010 | Reply
never, you had me at… “Whatever became of the nice Good Humor trucks? Ice cream trucks around here look like they should be selling cones outside the Thunderdome.” – anthonydevito
usedwigs | Aug 10, 2010 | Reply
never, you had me at… “Whatever became of the nice Good Humor trucks? Ice cream trucks around here look like they should be selling cones outside the Thunderdome.” – anthonydevito
Anonymous | Aug 10, 2010 | Reply