Best American Bands Ever? A Haiku Review

A while back, a writer for USA Today was hurting for a column so she resorted to using an old favorite — the epitome of journalistic laziness — “The Reader’s Poll.” An informal survey was taken asking readers to name “The Greatest American Rock Band of All Time.” Most of the bands were expected, but there were a few curveballs, especially one strange, prog-metal dinosaur that apparently still has fans.

I was also feeling lazy so I decided to respond and critique the readers’ choices using a very concise and effective method, the Haiku. In case you were sleeping through 5th grade English class (I was), a Haiku is a 17-syllable verse form consisting of three metrical units of 5, 7, and 5 syllables.

1. Pearl Jam

Outstanding live act,
but bad actors (See “Singles”).
My wife loves Eddie.

2. Aerosmith

They ruled when on coke.
Sobered up and lost all cred.
Crap songs for crap films.

3. Van Halen

Hagar’s a buffoon.
He is Jimmy Buffet Lite.
Roth? Better buffoon.

4. The Eagles

They hate each other
but regrouped for love of fans
and assloads of cash.

5. Journey

Schon’s afro was huge
when he played with Santana.
Perry had girl hair.

6. Guns N’ Roses

The best band ever
for those who have shit for brains.
Viva la dirtbags!

7. The Grateful Dead

Garcia is gone
but smelly, lazy hippies
will live forever.

8. Queensryche

This poll was taken
during a county fair where
Queensryche was playing.

9. The Doors

Did you see the film?
Man, Kilmer looked just like him!
”Real Genius,” better.

10. R.E.M.

“Murmur” was amazing!
”Life’s Rich Pageant” also ruled!
What was Stipe saying?

11. The Allman Brothers Band and Fleetwood Mac (tie)

A fight to the death
with broad swords and hunting knives
will break this tie!

12. Metallica

Keeps on putting out
dumb music for dumb people.
Philly Radio!

13. Kiss

Calling all Kiss fans!
Want to buy a Kiss coffin?
Gene Simmons: a total dick.

14. The Ramones

T-shirts all around!
Ashlee Simpson now wears one.
Good time to burn yours.

15. Bruce Springsteen & The E Street Band and Creedence Clearwater Revival (tie)

I lived on Tenth Ave.,
the same street Bruce sang about.
Never saw a freeze out.

16. Dave Matthews Band and Lynyrd Skynyrd (tie)

Lame, drunk guy at show
always yells, “Play some Skynyrd!”
No one ever laughs.

17. The Beach Boys

TV’s John Stamos
plays drums for the Boys sometimes.
Those times really blow.

18. Nirvana

One awesome album
then a couple decent ones.
A good band, not great.

19. The Replacements

Made rockin’ music
while they were very hammered.
Three cheers for liquor!

20. Bon Jovi

All over Jersey
their aging, cheesball fans ask,
“Where are John’s eyebrows?”

Tags: Aerosmith • best rock band • Guns N' Roses • haiku • haiku reviews • Journey • Pearl Jam • Queensryche • roc • The Eagles • The Grateful Dead • Van Halen