Satan's Testes, Also Know As "The Sweetgum Fruit"

By on Jan 21, 2008 in Daily Distractions | 8 Comments

ouch!

Sweetgum Fruit. How could something that sounds so tasty be so pernicious? Only its creator, El Diablo, knows for sure. This woody, spiny, mace-shaped spawn of the sweetgum tree and about two hundred thousand of his closest buddies have invaded my front lawn and walkway over the past few weeks. These pricker-laden paratroopers rained down from their evil lair above and reconvened in strategic spots on earth to inflict maximum damage on unsuspecting ankles.

Jumping out from under my car’s driver-side door and lying in wait is one of their favorite stratagems.

After a few days of spastic tripping, ungodly cursing and minor injuries; I grabbed my trusty rake and dispensed with a good majority of them, but I left the rake out over night. Rookie mistake.

When I awoke the next morning and looked out my window, I saw thousands more of the nefarious fruit dancing gleefully around splintered pieces of my shredded rake. Footage from my surveillance camera showed about 150 of the boys descended upon the helpless rake and made short work of it with their pointy piranha-like wooden teeth.

When I opened the front door to investigate further, I was startled to find this mocking message left by my tiny, taunting nemeses:

sweetgum ouchies

Growing up in Jersey, I saw a few of these dangerous and odd-looking orbs every so often and just referred to them as “Sticker Balls’ or something unimaginative like that. No one I asked seemed to know what exactly they were called.

Now that I live in Phillyville—to be precise, directly on top an arboreal hellmouth —I could use a term a little more descriptive than “You Little Mother-Effers” and “Stupid Freaking Sticky Stickers” when I do battle against them.

What do you call them? How do you defeat them? Leave a comment.

TAGS: • • • •

  • Scott Shrake

    Quaker mistletoe

  • Scott Shrake

    Quaker mistletoe

  • Anne Marie Cilli

    Monkey Balls

  • Anne Marie Cilli

    Monkey Balls

  • Ellen

    We have a sweetgum tree in our backyard, and the only reason I haven’t ripped it out by its roots is that I tend to find the fruit when I’m cleaning up dog shit in the yard, and they’re slightly less irritating to find than more dog shit. We either call them, “nope, not a turd,” or “OW! FUCK!” depending on the circumstances of finding one.

  • Ellen

    We have a sweetgum tree in our backyard, and the only reason I haven’t ripped it out by its roots is that I tend to find the fruit when I’m cleaning up dog shit in the yard, and they’re slightly less irritating to find than more dog shit. We either call them, “nope, not a turd,” or “OW! FUCK!” depending on the circumstances of finding one.

  • Julie

    I call them sticker fuckers….and I HATE them.

  • Julie

    I call them sticker fuckers….and I HATE them.