“Call it really bad luck, but every time I use the bathroom, Glen the sales guy is in the stall next to me making ungodly sounds,” reports IT consultant Satish Patel from the safe confines of his office. “I honestly believe Glen is going to die on the toilet.”
“I was in the loo a couple months ago and I heard some grumbling next to me. I could tell it was Glen by his shiny black wingtips. The frightening murmurs quickly escalated to some serious growls and rapid huffing and puffing. I thought he was joking. But after two minutes, it did not stop. I got out of there quickly. I thought he was having a heart attack,” Satish said.
“I quickly returned with Craig, our company’s legal counsel — he knows CPR. As we approached the bathroom door, Glen came walking out whistling happily with a newspaper under his arm.”
Satish continued, “Craig told me to relax, Glen was just dropping a ‘few fat friends off at the lake.’ But, I could see beads of sweat trickling down his temple. It was obvious Glen had just stared the Grim Reaper in the face and barely escaped.”
A few minutes later, Rich from marketing ran out of the bathroom holding his nose while gasping, “I think someone just had a shit-balloon fight in stall two, DO NOT go in there!”
A few days later, the unsavory scene repeated itself. Glen was in his favorite stall, exerting tremendous energy trying to move his unyielding bowels. But the knotted fecal impaction wadded in his colon was clearly winning the battle of the butt.
Glen was coaching himself for about three straight minutes, pleading in a strained whine, “Come on boy, let her rip, come on, please… please Lord… come on out… Jesus effing Christ, just come the eff out you little pieces of shit!”
Unfortunately, Satish just happened to be in the adjacent stall again, front and center for the truly disgusting porcelain performance. “I was very scared, yet I could not move. I was paralyzed with the need to know what was going to happen to Glen,” said a visibly upset Satish.
“Suddenly, I heard a rapid succession of giant splashing sounds followed by, ‘Thank you Jesus, thank you, thank you, sweet Lord!’ Then an insidious waft of stink hit me like a turd slingshot to the face. I saw some water hit the floor from the massive displacement. I let out a shriek and sped out of the bathroom without washing my hands. I heard Glen saying ‘Hey, who’s there… everything’s cool… don’t worry dude…”
Feeling even better about his semi-healthy, vegetarian lifestyle, Satish reflected.
“Glen is in very bad shape. He eats two McGriddles for breakfast every morning, Big Macs for lunch every day, smokes cigars, drinks only coffee and scotch, and watches Rock of Love, you know, real vile behavior.”
“I feel like I should say something to him, but it’s kind of awkward and we’re really not that good of friends. Actually, he might be better off if he dies… we all would… especially the poor cleaning people.”
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