SPIN Magazine’s Most Regrettable Covers 1985 – 2009

Attention aging music nerds, Google Books has digitized all the SPIN magazines since 1985. Check it out, it’s a hoot to view the ads from the 80s and early 90s and reminisce about the excitement you felt when one of your bands like Husker Du, Circle Jerks, Hoodoo Gurus or Tommy Keene got some ink in this major music publication.

While I give SPIN good marks for its cover selections and subject matter in the early days (and especially for being a good alternative to Rolling Stone), the mag did publish a few of doozies. Behold some regrettable cover decisions:

Jimmy Fallon – March 2002 – What the? A comedian who is a frustrated musician?! This is groundbreaking stuff! Lester Bangs would be proud.  Photographer: “C’mon Jimmy, give me some air guitar! Yeah!” Jimmy: [giggle giggle].

Sting – July 1985 – We get it, Sting is hot… even wearing jams. But as a teen I read this mag to find out what the hell Michael Stipe was singing about, not to get a glimpse of Sting’s poking wet wiener head.

Charlie Sexton – May 1986 – Remember that awesome Charlie Sexton song? Of course you don’t. Little known fact: Falco lived in Charlie’s Sexton’s hair for 3 months.

Ozzy – September 1986 – Before he was a doddering old reality TV mess who regularly pees himself on stage, Ozzy was a pudgy hair metal chick. I’ve heard rumors he was the same guy who was in Black Sabbath in the 70s, but I find that impossible to believe.

Bon Jovi – November 1988 – SPIN answers the often asked question, “What does Jovi looked like pinching a loaf?” Oh, and thanks SPIN, I still have that condom in my wallet.

Everclear – September 1996 – Ahhhh… September ’96, I remember it well. That’s when the SPIN art department got the sweet set of Photoshop font filters. Impressive restraint, only using four effects at once. Everclear was downright inescapable for a two-year period, in a Smashmouth kind of way, played on every type of station all day long. Brutal. I want to punch his eyebrows.

Creed – September 2000 – Like most of you I stopped reading SPIN by now, but still, the second this issue hit the streets, cars should have been overturned and the SPIN corporate headquarters should have been set ablaze by commoners wielding pitchforks and torches. Everything wrong in the history rock music — I’m talking EVER, from day one when that white guy stole that riff from that black guy — can easily be encapsulated in this one preposterously solipsistic image depicting the  never-to-be-surpassed pinnacle of rock band douchebaggery: three AXE Body Spray mouthbreathers flanking a wee sad singer who is standing on a pile of gold records. Nice job, America. Let’s not harp on the photo though, I’m more concerned about one of the lesser subheads. I prefer the spelling “Rock Dwarves”… I need to contact LPA and see what they say.

Sugar Ray – September 2001 – C’mon everybody, “Eyeeeeeee just wanna fly… put your arms around me, baby!” By this time, you could have easily replaced “SPIN” with “People” and no one would have known the difference or cared.

Kiss – February 2002 – Obviously the editors wanted to stir up some shit by putting a 70s joke band on the cover with that oft-used headline/gimmick. I appreciate that, but let’s get to the failure part: It’s hard enough for a band to look bad-ass standing on the top floor of parking garage, but when one guy goes for the “the pouting, clawing kitty cat” when the shutter snaps, he immediately nullifies the “evil tongue, welcome to darkness” gesture made by the other clown.

Sum 41 – February 2003 – SPIN: “We’re thinking of covering you with fake blood and semen.” BAND: “Eh, take off you hosers, okay, eh, just make sure we have some serviettes and some Molsons, eh?”

Amy Winehouse – July 2007 – Cautionary tale to you hype slingers: one novelty song does not make a star. “New Queen of Soul!” Huh? Nice job Steve Kandell, way to keep some perspective. You hack.  FYI, six of Oprah’s best airbrushers were hired to simultaneously work on the cover for 2-days straight. Side note: Big points for Patton Oswalt mention on cover, but points deducted for using the word “Illest”.

Cover Facts:

I’m bad at math but it looks like:

• Kurt Cobain appeared on the most covers with 10
• Bono graced 8 covers
• Beck and Madonna each appeared on 6
• Natalie Imbruglia and Danzig had one each
• From Feb 2005 to December 2006, The Killers appeared on the cover three times.

More News

• Useful Noncommittal Responses
• Is There Anything Sayid Can’t Do Well?
• New Facebook Terms You Should Know!
• Much Better Names for Coffee Shops with Free Wi-Fi

TAGS: Amy Winehouse • Charlie Sexton • Creed • Everclear • Jimmy Fallon • Jovi • Kiss • Ozzy • SPIN • Sting • Sugar Ray • Sum 41