Your St. Patrick’s Day To Do List

By Jeff on Mar 16, 2009 in Daily Distractions, Lists | Comments

It's that time of year again when we dust off this old beer-drenched list and pay honor everyone's favorite excuse to join a pub crawl. Slainte!

Take off slightly-stained B.U.M Equipment sweatshirt, put on very-stained Notre Dame sweatshirt.
Start off the special day right with McMuffin and Shamrock Shake.
Fill empty shake cup with whiskey and march in parade.
Leave parade after 10 minutes. Enter favorite Irish bar.
Call "Sully" & "Murph" to let them know just how wasted you already are.
Clap at the wrong times while singing along with "The Wild Rover."
Aggressively tongue kiss fat drunk girl in between bites of corned beef sandwich.
Do "Cabbage Patch" dance over and over until somebody gets the Irish reference.
Keep your shtick going and bust out your funny "Riverdance" routine.
Due to exhaustion, pass out in alley behind bar, reappear in bar one hour later completely invigorated.
Strategically place "Kiss Me I'm Irish" pin on fly. Harass every female within 20-foot radius.
Instigate a donnybrook.
Nod your head as friends discuss Shane MacGowan and act like you know who the hell he is.
Acquire brogue. Pretend you're from Ireland. Fool no one.
Not bat an eye at the plastered woman holding a 4-month-old in the smoky, crowded bar.
Hunt down actual Irish person, proceed to bore him to tears with your strikingly limited knowledge of the Emerald Isle, including the mispronounced names of the counties where your great great grandparents might have lived.
Spout anti-English sentiments and proclaim your admiration for the boys in "The I.R.S." (you mean I.R.A.).
Act like bagpipes aren't the worst sound you've ever heard.
Spill entire pint of Guinness on stranger. Get in fistfight with stranger. Hug stranger. Introduce stranger to everyone as your new best friend.
Wake up in puddle of puke (not your own) and realize its only 3:00pm. Leave Men's room and continue drinking.