Farmer Ted (aka The Geek) was best comedic teen role ever. Kudos Anthony Michael Hall.

Some of my favorite Farmer Ted quotes:

The Geek: How’s it going?
Samantha: How’s what going?
The Geek: You know – things, life, whatnot.
Samantha: Life is not whatnot, and it’s none of your business.
The Geek: So, you going to the New Faces dance tonight, or…
Samantha: That’s also none of your business.
The Geek: Are you inhibited about dancing in public, I mean, you don’t have to dance, you could just stand there with me and my dudes and just be you, and…
Samantha:  Sounds major.
The Geek:  So, I mean, what’s the story? I mean, you got a guy, or…
Samantha: Yes, three big ones, and they lust for wimp blood, so quite bugging me or I’ll sic them all over your weenie ass.
The Geek: You know, I’m getting input here that I’m reading as relatively hostile, I mean it’s jsut…
Samantha: Go to hell.
The Geek: VERY hostile.

The Geek: Just answer me one question.
Samantha: Yes, you’re a total fag.
The Geek: Ha ha ha. That’s not the question.

Samantha: This is Farmer Fred.
The Geek: Ted.
Samantha: Oh, I’m sorry, Farmer Ted.
The Geek: I’m not really a farmer. I’m a freshman.
Randy: Geek, can I be honest with you?
The Geek: Not if you’re gonna insult me.
Randy: [laughs] Ok.
The Geek: Shoot.
Randy: Get the hell outta here.
The Geek: Nice ma- nice manners, babe!
Jimmyy Montrose: She’s totally serious ass-wipe.

Farmer Ted: By night’s end, I predict me and her will interface.

Farmer Ted: This information cannot leave this room. Ok? It would devastate my reputation as a dude.
Samantha: No problem.
Farmer Ted: I’ve never bagged a babe. I’m not a stud.

Farmer Ted: Do you know how many times a week I go without lunch because some bitch borrows my lunch money? Y’know, any halfway decent girl can rob me blind, because I’m too torqued up to say no.

Farmer Ted: Can I borrow your underpants for 10 minutes?

Farmer Ted: Relax, would you? We have seventy dollars and a pair of girls underpants. We’re safe as kittens.
Farmer Ted: This is a great social opportunity for us.
Farmer Ted: Come on! Do not embarrass me, okay?
Wease: For sure, we won’t.
Farmer Ted: Will you fix your hair, Bryce?
Bryce: I already did.
Farmer Ted: Wease, close your barn, all right?
Farmer Ted: And be polite to his parents. Okay. Great.

Jake: [Jake is now holding Samantha's panties] These are really hers?
Farmer Ted: Yeah.
Jake: How did you get ‘em?
Farmer Ted:  She gave ‘em to me.
Jake: Did you…?
Farmer Ted: No! She cranked for you. I told her you asked about her, right? The girl freaked. She had a hissy. She thinks you’re the cats meow!
Jake: Really? She came up to me in the gym tonight. She looked at me like I was a leper.
Farmer Ted: Girls will do that, Jake. You know? They know that guys are like in perpetual heat, right? They know they shit, and they enjoy pumping us up. It’s pure power politics. I’m telling you.
Jake: I thought she hated my guts.
Farmer Ted: Games, Jake. Silly torturous games. You know how many times I’ve gone without lunch because some bitch borrows my lunch money? Any halfway decent girl can rob me – blind! Because I’m too torked up to say no. It’s heinous, I’m telling you.

Jake: You better not be dicking me around. It’d be a major downer to try and get together with this girl and find out that she really does think I’m a slime.
Farmer Ted: Jake, would I dick you? Let me put it to you this way, what happens to me if I dick you?
Jake: I’ll kick your ass.
Farmer Ted: Right! So why would I lie? But I feel compelled to mention to you, Jake, that if all you want of the girl is a piece of ass, I mean, I’ll either do it myself, or get someone bigger than me to kick your ass. I mean, not many girls in contemporary American society today would give their underwear to help a geek like me.
Jake: I can get a piece of ass anytime I want. Shit, I’ve got Caroline in the bedroom right now, passed out cold. I could violate her ten different ways if I wanted to.
Farmer Ted: [almost chokes on a pretzel] What are you waiting for?

Jake: I’ll make a deal with you.
[holds up the panties]
Jake: You let me keep these, I’ll let you take Caroline home. But you’ve got to make sure she gets home. You can’t leave her in a parking lot somewhere. Okay?
Farmer Ted: Jake, I’m only a freshman.
Jake: So, she’s so blitzed she won’t know the difference.
Farmer Ted: Jake, I don’t have a car.
Jake: You can take mine.
Farmer Ted: Jake, I don’t have license.
Jake: I trust you.
Farmer Ted: Jake, I’d love to… I can’t.
[holds out a bowl]
Farmer Ted: Want a pretzel?
Jake: You sure?
[takes the bowl and sets it down on the counter]
Farmer Ted: Positive.

Farmer Ted: [Farmer Ted is in Jake's dad car. Jake just saw he and Caroline kissing] I’m dead.
[the phone rings and he answers it]
Farmer Ted: Hello?
Cliff: Ted, you never called us back. What happened?
Farmer Ted: Look, wheez, I told you not to call me here.
Cliff: Ted, we’re dying, what happened?
Farmer Ted: You wanna know what happened? Buy the book!

Farmer Ted: [noticing the car Jake puts Caroline in] This, uh, this your car, Jake?
Jake: No, this is my dad’s car. You said you couldn’t drive a stick.
Farmer Ted: This is a motherfu – ! This is a Rolls Royce, Jake.
Jake: So?
Farmer Ted: SO? So? I hear the grill ALONE costs five grand on this. Five grand! You have five grand? I don’t have five grand!
Jake: Then don’t hit anything.
Farmer Ted: [incredulous] Ha ha! Don’t hit anything

Farmer Ted: [takes item from Caroline] Oh thank you, thanks.
Caroline: Ha ha ha! Now we’re both on the pill.
Farmer Ted: What?
[spits out]
Farmer Ted: You gave me a birth control pill? Do you know what that can do to a guy my age?
Caroline: I know exactly what they do for a girl my age. It makes it OK to be really, super-careless!

Farmer Ted: Where the hell am I?
Caroline: I’ll, uh, tell you where you are if you tell me who you are.
Farmer Ted: I’m Farmer Ted.
Caroline: You’re in the parking lot in front of my church.
Farmer Ted: You own a church?

Sixteen Candles Script – Dialogue Transcript

I loved “Ladies and Gentlemen, The Fabulous Stains” when I was a kid, but haven’t seen it since. I’m sure it’s quite bad and the fake punk music has to be laughable, but a young Diane Lane stars in it and that is reason enough to give it a viewing.

The legendary late-night cult classic film, Ladies and Gentlemen, The Fabulous Stains is finally coming to DVD! The 1981 film features a very young Diane Lane (she was hot even then), as well as Laura Dern along side real-life punkers Steve Jones and Paul Cook (Sex Pistols) and Paul Simonon (The Clash). PhillyBurbs

Worst fake band ever in a movie? Mystery from “Satisfaction”… Julie Roberts on bass? Ugh. Best fake band ever in a TV show? Dregs of Humanity from “It’s Your Move.” (Like the Bateman sibling connection? Pretty slick.)

More Diane? Yes, please. Miss Lane’s 1979 film debut was the splendid “A Little Romance” which was on HBO around the clock back in the day. After viewing, every young American boy wanted to be an insouciant young, girl-getting French mop-top or at least beat the crap out of one.

I know she was the hottie in “The Outsiders,” but more importantly, Miss Lane co-starred with Mr. Roaster himself, Kenny Roger, in his triumphant film debut “Six Pack”. This auto racing film ruled! It had to. With the vivacious Lane, the lovely Col. Wilma Deering from Buck Rogers and Farmer Ted from Sixteen Candles as part of the pit crew, how could it not.

After many memorable teen roles in which she shined, Diane grew up and went away for a while (read: made some really bad movies).

Thankfully she came back in full force having sex with Richard Gere on screen (a very good way to get noticed again). This put her back in the A-list and she went on to make a bunch of films I would never see… except that Dog movie with John Cusack… what happened Lane Meyer? Where did it all go wrong.

Super-tangential, not-interesting factoid: My cousin’s friend hung out with Diane Lane and her hubby Josh “Brand Walsh” Brolin in a dive-ish bar in NYC recently. They just sat at the bar, smoked some cigs, had some beers and watched a baseball game. He said they were very cool and very low key.

Wish I was there, I would have totally ruined the chill scene with a bunch of fumbling, Farleyesque “remember when…” non-questions. That would have been awesome.

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