Jitterbug: The Anti-iPhone

Jeff — Fri, 07 Mar 2008 20:31:32 +0000

This Oversized Phone with Scant Few Features is Not Just for Seniors!

Looking over my cell phone bill for February, I was not surprised to see I only made three calls, total. All calls were made to my local pizza place on a Friday, to facilitate picking up dinner on my way home from work.

Please note: I made the calls before I started driving. That’s how we do it here in Safetyville, Population: 1.

“Only three calls, Jeff!” you say incredulously. “Have you no friends? Have you no plans? Have you no uncomfortable moments alone in public where you must call someone, anyone, unnecessarily just to make yourself seem busy or important?”

True, plans and friends are at a minimum, but when I’m away from my desk and my computer, I need the buzzing, the ringing and the key-tapping to cease. That is why I don’t use my cell often or keep it on. I would love not to own one, but I realize my pizza procurement plan would take a hit if I went phoneless.

Luckily, I found the perfect fit for my neo-Luddite, never-busy, never-needed lifestyle in the pages of the latest AARP magazine or Readers Digest, or whatever I was reading in my in-laws bathroom.

The Jitterbug is a phone for seniors: big-ass buttons, barebones features and a complete lack of nonsense to interfere with making and receiving a call. It is the polar opposite of an iPhone and even the opposite of a budget throw-away celly used by your friendly neighborhood drug dealer.

No frills, no nonsense, affordable, this phone was perfect for me.

Despite my abundance of crow’s feet, bad knees and constant complaining, I am not a senior. But, I was pleased as punch to find out you do not have to be a senior to get in on this fabulous deal. I immediately ordered one.

Yes, this phone is not for most people, especially if you’re a Cingular/AT&T user. The Jitterbug does not have the special feature you’ve grown to love, the feature that connects you to the internet (and charges you!) every time you mistakenly hit the button you’d think would never ever do such a thing.

It also does not send you emails or phone messages with special offers like many of the providers out there. They all stink—their service and their phones—and I just wanted to free myself of their clutches. I’m glad I did.

Phone Frustration

The piece of shit phone I had prior to my Love Bug (I don’t call it that, I swear) would not simply let me make a call without three or four extraneous clicks. Grrrrr! I’d dial my number or choose it in my 9-clicks-to-get-to Phone Book and then have to hit the center button which would then give me a list of choices:

Add to Address Book
Edit Phone Number
Change your Ringtone
Add a Ringtone
Create Your Own Ringtone
Play a Game
Watch a Fergie Video
Fuck Your Mother
Throw Phone against Wall
Place Call
Change Your Plan
Add Minutes
Take a Photo

I eventually did throw this piece of useless plastic against the wall. This may sound like I’m a complete idiot, but when I was done with a call and just wanted to “hang up,” the goddamn phone would not do so, no matter which button I pressed.

I actually resorted to turning my phone OFF to end a call. Yep, just like your grandma who unplugs her computer every time she is done using it, I would hit OFF because I could not end a simple call. I’m sure I got an excessive OFFing charge every time I did so too.

“Jeff, don’t you build websites and keep up with all things tech? How can you be so hapless?”

I am fairly techy, but to me, “phone” technology is the sleazy bottom rung of innovation, where good usability and user experience takes a backseat to the overt stealing of customers’ money with hidden fees, insane charges and inscrutable minute plans; all geared to trick you and sap you of your patience and willingness to fight back. If I only make 5 effing calls a month, why is $39.95 the cheapest effing plan I can buy?”

You Buggin’? I’m Buggin’!

Okay back to my new giant phone, which I love. It is made for old people and technophobes who are easily confused by the myriad functionality of today’s latest cell phones. So, the backwards-thinking engineers at Jitterbug HQ made the phone nice and simple to use, no tricks. It only has:

Enormous Number Pad
YES and NO Buttons
ON/OFF Button
UP and DOWN Scroller
Big Soft Ear Cushion
Bright Screen with Large Text.

No camera, no video, no texting, no taser, no bottle opener, just the basics. Oh, and a jarring jitterbug jingle that play loudly every time you turn it off and on. Want to change the tune? Sorry, not possible. A small concession, I can deal.

I got the “Graphite” model, a little slicker than the orthopedic white, wouldn’t you agree?

My phone number is also engraved in a large font right under the screen. This is sweet, because I had to tape a post-it with my number on the back of my old phone.

My new phone plan is $15/month for more minutes than I’ll use, and the unit cost about $150. It’s a very very large phone, a two-hander (think Gordon Gecko’s mobile phone in Wall Street), so that’s why it costs a bit more.

For people who want less buttons, there is also a Jitterbug “OneTouch.” It is easily the most dumbed-down piece of phone-tech out there. It gives the user only three options:

Operator
Tow
911

I guess after exhaustive research, they deemed these three choices the most popular things old people need in a phone.

Operator – “Hello, operator, will it be chilly outside today?”
Tow – “Hello, I’m upside down again in my car. Help me.”
911 – “Hello dear, does my friend Bernice have a phone? Can you put me through?”

The Jitterbug Forum and Customer Service

While I love the phone, the Jitterbug User Forum could use some work, or at least a few more users posting.

JITTERBUG USER FORUM – Total Post: 3 (since February 2007)

“Yoohoo… Is anybody there/? I can’t find my phone. Help. The kettle is whistling >& I’ll be right back oh dear.”

“Maddie, Connor, it’s Grandma! If you’re on the internet and see this please call me, I miss you.”

“Hi Ladies, what are you wearing?”

The customer service and online ordering are top-notch. You can call them and they will enter names and numbers in your phone book for you or you can do it online. You can also fax them over the info, which I found odd. I think if a person can’t handle a phone, faxing a document successfully might not be in his or her skill set.

The voice that guides you through your set up on the phone sounds just like a caring grandma who knows a thing or two about a thing or two. She goes nice and slowly, gives clear explanations and buys you gifts that don’t fit from JC Penny’s. She rules.

Functions

So, I basically can:

Make a Call
Receive a Call
Check my Voicemail
Successfully Hang Up

What else would a boy need?

I played with the iPhone for a bit and it was fun, but after ten minutes I was bored. It reminded me of work. It was just like using a computer, a very small, hard-to-navigate computer. I do enough fat-finger typing on my normal-sized keyboard, this was just silly.

I have a camera that takes great photos and video and is small enough to carry around in addition to my phone. Plus I don’t have to compromise on the quality of the photos. Yes, I can’t take stealthy, sneaky phone photos of hot, drunk chicks in bars doing slutty things while I pretend to talk. I’ll just have you send me your shots instead. Problem solved. Thanks.

“What no ring tones in your life, Jeff? How will you let people know your exquisite, indie musical taste if you can’t play crappy digitized versions of the songs on your phone?”

If you buy ring tones you are either an unsupervised teen girl or a complete ass.

“I like my exciting, always linked-in-to-the-grid lifestyle. Eat shit, loser. I definitely won’t DIGG this story.”

Alright, calm down. I know this Jitterbug lifestyle is not for everyone, but I sit in front of a computer for about 10+ hours a day and the last thing I need is to do when I’m out of office is check my email while I’m waiting to get my hair cut or taking a walk with my daughter. Or driving. I applaud my home state of New Jersey (and I don’t so that often) for going after you jerk-offs who text and talk while attempting to maneuver your vehicles. May your last text be:

“OMG… my spine just snapped in half… G2G”

So join me, people. Simplify your lives by saying no to expensive, complex cell phones and plans and say yes to a larger, easier life.

Addendum: Some (obviously envious) people have recently doubted my actual purchase of my kick-ass phone, so here’s some photographic proof:

My Jitterbug next to stylish UsedWigs brand vodka mug. (Yes, I may have exaggerated its size a tad.)

My Jitterbug next to my ugly mug. (Yes, It’s smaller than my nose.)

Jeff Lyons
Infotainment Reporter

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Jitterbug: The Anti-iPhone

This Oversized Phone with Scant Few Features is Not Just for Seniors!