Christmas Eve is magic. Always has been, always will be in my book. (That’s because my book is entitled “Christmas Eve is Magic.”) It’s my favorite day of the year and it totally kicks the butt of Easter Eve and decimates Secretary’s Day Eve. The giddy anticipation of Santa’s visit culminates on this marvelous night and if I could bottle this wonderful feeling of good will (and slight greed), I would. And then sell it to you all at friends and family discount.

Growing up there was nothing I loved more than hitting the 7:00 p.m. mass at St. Rose in Belmar and seeing some of my favorite families all decked out in their spanking new sweaters and fancy dresses. The Keady, Dwyer, Nies and Jenkins families all sat on the right side (facing the altar); the Commesso, Dunn and Lyons clans camped out on the left. I found comfort in this expected order and looked forward to seeing everyone passing by on the communion line and chatting them up as we departed. Listening to my dad bellow along to all the Christmas songs in the pew, whether he knew the words or not, was also a highlight.

After mass, neighbors, cousins and family friends would gather at my parents’ house and the holiday cheer would continue. Mom would fire up the oven and shovel in the greatest assortment of frozen treats the local Acme had to offer: mini pizzas, mini pigs-in-a-blanket, mini Reubens and mini haggis (made that last one up). Lots of beer and wine were imbibed and stories were rehashed at a rapid pace. I loved standing behind the bar with Dad or brother DJ, making sure glasses were filled while Uncle Frank sat at the end making certain chops were busted.

We always ended the night with a raucous game of trivia. My wife Kelly was the ringer everyone wanted her on his or her team. The more we drank the less we knew and the more entertaining it became. And yes, cousin Bridget, we all thought Thomas Jefferson was the one “movin’ on up, to the east side, to a deluxe apartment in the sky.” Great clue, kid!

With the passing of my parents, those nights are no longer. I can’t express how much I miss them, but the 25 years of insanely fun Christmas festivities and memories I shared with them both continue to bring me joy and some solace.

Patty proudly wearing her “Ziggy” sweatshirt Christmas gift. Ziggy was our dog. Don was his best friend.

Luckily, with every tradition that passes, a new one arises. We now celebrate the night before Christmas with the Andrews and Galer families at Uncle Hap’s house in the Mount Airy section of Philly. Hap lives in a big old corner twin house: giant doors, high ceilings, ridiculously large Christmas tree, tons of antiques and my favorite: the back pantry which houses the perfectly chilled cases of beer.

Kelly’s family is equally as fun as mine, just not as loud (save for Heather). It’s always a great time at Hap’s, lots of kids zooming around, good conversation and many bottles of red adorn the dining room table. I look forward to eating a nice selection of cheeses in the kitchen while standing next to an old treadmill and pretending to know about hockey.

My single most favorite part of the evening is the peaceful drive home along Lincoln Drive, across the river and through the Wynnewood to our little house we go. The girls nod off, snug in their jammies while Kel and I enjoy some Christmas tunes on the radio and quietly discuss what still needs to be wrapped. It’s so calm, almost creepy calm and before I freak out I remind myself, “It’s not creepy calm, it’s magic calm. People are taking the night off from evil and nonsense because Santa sprinkled his magic Quaalude dust on everyone as his sleigh passed by overhead.”

Finally, home! I enjoy giving gifts much more than receiving (unless it’s a drum set, then gimme gimme!), so once Kel goes to bed I look forward to Scotch-taping the hell out of the last few gifts I saved and popping open another beer. I kick back, listen to some WPRB, fire up some Facebook (“Ooh, look who’s drunk posting now!”) and suck in all the magical goodness the night has to offer.

Merry magical Christmas Eve to all my friends who celebrate it and believe in magic!

– Originally posted December 24, 2010

Topics: Advent Calendars, Holiday Parties, The Biggest Sammy Hagar Fan in The World, Joe Walsh, Favorite and Least Favorite Christmas Songs, Rather Have a Human Virus or Computer Virus?, Russ’s Moccasins, Anyone Can Play Bass, Shopping with Golems, Robert DeNiro, SNL, The Camera Work of Lawrence Welk and Crepes!

Preview:

• “Wasn’t Bing Crosby racist? Yes, his song was originally called ‘White Power Christmas’”
• “How many hours would it take me to learn bass?”

Playlist: Summer Camp, Freebass, Slow Club and Duvall

Play Now: http://www.usedwigs.com/pod/podcast83.mp3

iTunes: Download, Listen and Subscribe

Podcast Website: www.usedwigsradio.com

Podcast Video: http://www.ustream.tv

• Official Tea Party merchandise now available! Children’s Tea Party Set. $17.76. Colors: white only.
• iPad “Car Steering Wheel Controller” app now $4.99.
• Amazon Deal of The Day! WikiLeaks Audio Box Set as read by Icky Woods.
• Open car doors at busy shopping centers offer great opportunities for serious savings.
• Avoid crowds by shopping in the discounted Halloween Decorations aisle only.
• Slightly injured “Spider-Man: The Musical” action figures 40% off at Rite-Aid.
• DO NOT make eye contact or acknowledge the senior greeters. They WILL follow you home.
• Play-Doh now comes in beige, berber and other rug-friendly colors.
• “Royal Wedding” MP3 by Billy Idol (sung to tune of “White Wedding”) now $1.99. Proceeds go to the Queen’s Dumb Hat fund.
• Try a cyber-gift! Retweeting a friend is now valued at $1,000 per tweet.
• Staging a one-person flash mob performance of “Cool Rider” in a crowded mall is a great shopping stress reliever.
• Banned in many book stores, “Bullying for Dummies” is still available at the FOX News online store.
• A $25 Starbucks gift card is the perfect way to say, “Have two coffees on me!”
• Facebook Press introduces first how- to book: “Hints, Tips and Advanced Trickery to Make Your Profile Photo Appear Sexy!”
• Giving “15% Off First Visit” coupons for psychotherapy to family members is always appreciated.
• Paula Deen’s Pork Fat Perfume available everywhere south of Delaware.
• Just like Oprah said, your friends could always use an extra book in their bathrooms.
• Don’t forget to tip your postmen, your trash collectors, your barbers, your stylists, your baby-sitters, your baristas, your pastors, your personal trainers, your doormen, your urologists, your meter maids, your auto mechanics, your state senators and your favorite astronauts.

More Holiday Cheer!

• Favorite Modern Holiday/Christmas Songs
• Holiday Shopping Tips 2009
• Holiday Shopping Tips 2008

UsedWigs Radio “Best Christmas” on Vimeo.

Just dusted off this old gem for the holidays: UsedWigs Radio Podcast 23: “Best Christmas” clip from 2006. Jeff, Russ and Todd discuss some memorable Christmas mornings on the UsedWigsRadio.com podcast.

• One large credit card bill will make you sad, so open a new card at each store you go to, including Cinnabon and Christmas City.
• Do not shop online. Somalis will hijack your credit card info.
• The Purell Dispenser/Ambulance Transformer is the season’s must-have toy.
• The online discount promo code for John Mayer’s new CD is “$UPERDOUCHE”
• Gift receipts show a lack of confidence in your purchases. Do not give them out.
• Strict budgets and detailed lists are for party-pooping tightwads. Christmas is about whimsical fun and making lasting impressions with expensive gifts.
• Have some friends going through a rough patch? Books written by reality show stars often offer great advice!
• The International Star Registry offers great gifts for friends who don’t mind massive disappointment.
• Send a loved one a much sought after invite for new GooglePorn app.
• Be eco-friendly, forgo store boxes and wrapping paper and re-use old pizza boxes and napkins.
• Be careful in stores. Protect your purchases by placing a large hissing snake on top of your shopping cart.
• Don’t think twice about it, the mistletoe belt buckle is a perfect gift for the office Pollyanna.
• If your girlfriend demands diamond earrings, by all means get them! And also give her this bonus gift.
• Haggling at the register for already-discounted products at big-box stores will show everyone else in line that you are a savvy shopper who means business.
• Land of The Lost and Love Happens mouse pads now 50% off at Five Below.
• Before they ask, offer your phone number, email, zip code, age and monthly household income to every cashier at every store so you can be kept up to date.
• Get very specific with gift cards. People like to focus on one store. “$25 gift card for Mattress Giant? What a great idea!”
• Cyber gifts are cool! Send your brother a tasty virtual beer via Facebook using one of those neat third-party applications.
• Shred all receipts as soon as you get home from shopping — again, to protect against those Somalis.

More Christmas Cheer!

• Favorite Modern Holiday/Christmas Songs
• Holiday Shopping Tips 2008

Jesus, Mary and Joseph and a couple cute animal friends make up this festive and modern depiction on the Nativity. Alessi Presepe Nativity Figurines are of made of hand-painted porcelain, limited edition. “The goal is to compare the intriguing world of porcelain figures, particularly the refined production tradition of European manufacturers from the 18th century onwards, with our methods and with contemporary designers.”

Price: $90

Buy: Amazon

Remember asking what if Sly and the Family Stone were white? Here’s the best I can do. Let’s dance to the music Osmond style, shall we? Too many highlights to name in this video, but I really dig when Donny freestyles,  “Well, you might like to hear some accordian!” Yes Donny, we most certainly do.

Also, and it must be noted, Marie was very very hot. And a pretty decent xylophone player. Merry Christmas folks!

• Do not charge anything you can’t pay off in the next 23 years.
• Beware: “What are you wearing right now?” is not a standard question when ordering gifts over the phone.
• Take advantage of that big sale at The Dollar Store.
• The stockings will be filled with disappointment if you shop at J Crew for your Twilight-loving little vamps.
• Remember, the economic crisis is hurting the retailers too, so keep your shoplifting to a minimum.
• Keep receipt for hassle-free return of expensive cocktail dress you really didn’t like but still wore to the office holiday party (and on four other occasions).
• People love getting cash! Not that worthless American kind, try euros or whatever they use in Canada.
• If Santa’s lap is moist, grab your child and skedaddle.
• Buying products advertised in unsolicited emails is a great way to save money and enlarge your penis.
• Doing all of your shopping on Christmas Eve guarantees your loved ones will be receiving the freshest bags of grapes possible.
• Gas stations would not sell neckties if they weren’t really great gifts.
• Dr. Phil’s latest diet book is the perfect gift for your friends who are both fat and dumb.
• Telling your loved one, “I got you an XXX-Large just to be safe,” is not always appreciated.
• Speed Racer and Leatherheadsaction figures now 70% off at Rite-Aid.
• Parking can be crazy. To protect your SUV from dings and scrapes, take up at least two spaces with your vehicle. People will leave it alone and definitely won’t key it.
• Covering yourself from head to toe in thick mucus is an effective way to discourage pickpockets.
• Mall shopping can be physically exhausting, be sure to bring along your personal trainer.
• Spice things up for the office Pollyanna and burn latest celebutard sex tape on a DVD.
• Shopping online can be risky, stick with products and sites you know and trust.

- Happy Holidays from Jeff and Scott!

More Christmas Cheer!

• Favorite Modern Holiday/Christmas Songs
• Holiday Shopping Tips 2009