Det. Benson: “Captain, we’ve got a situation. A lady in the Bronx just patty-caked an S.O.S. to Pitter-Patter from her handheld! She is being attacked by a sex criminal. She asked her Pitter-Patter followers to contact SVU for her, and we’ve been getting dozens of frantic patty-cakes at @sexyvictims.”

What are the necessary aims of a good topical Facebook status update? It should entertain, delight, challenge, blow a mind or two. This is all about realizing and fully accepting that Facebook is a stage, and we’re all players.

You are a writer, actor, singer and comedian. Which one do you want to take all the way? Or do you want to keep them all rolled up in one? I want to take everything all the way, or at least to sloppy third. I briefly knew an amateur drag queen here in D.C. who [...]