UsedWigs » guidos

Behold: MEGA STAR Email!

Jeff — Wed, 27 Jan 2010 01:56:47 +0000

Being part of the entertainment news community has its perks, like getting “hot off the press” releases from the top P.R. people in the biz. As you would imagine, I do get a bit bored reading all the properly spell-checked releases penned by those fancy writers and look forward to receiving some news with a less formal and more guerrilla (or should I say gorilla) approach.

Subject: MTV MEGA STAR J-WOWW TO SPEAK TO MEDIA TOMORROW REGARDING SECURITY ISSUES OF HER HOMECOMING CELEBRATION ON LONG ISLAND AFTER ALMOST RIOT
Date: January 26, 2010 4:01:53 PM EST
To: music@usedwigs.com

MTV MEGA STAR J-WOWW TO SPEAK TO MEDIA TOMORROW REGARDING SECURITY ISSUES OF HER HOMECOMING CELEBRATION ON LONG ISLAND AFTER ALMOST RIOT

MTV mega star J-Woww will be available for media commentary on Long Island reguarding security issues based on her last appearance which almost resulted in a riot. She will be talking about the over 200 security officers that will be working with the local police department to ensure eager fans safety at her upcoming homecoming celebration taking place this week on Long Island.

Last week J-Woww, at a appearance in New Jersey, was flooded by over 5,000 people at a local nightclub causing police dressed in riot gear to take charge for the health, safety, and well being of fans.

When: Wednesday, January 27, 2010, 2pm

Where: Glo nightclub; 37 Merrick Ave,
Westbury, NY

Hmmmm? Long Island, in the middle of the week, early afternoon, short notice? Who would have the free time to attend? Ohhhhh, right… it will be packed.

My Hometown + Guidos = MTV’s Easiest Show Ever

Jeff — Thu, 12 Nov 2009 02:47:02 +0000

First off, LOVE the giant pit stain, sir. Okay, I wish I could say this is not a fair representation Belmar, NJ, or that the network must have hired actors because these 20-somethings seem more like broad-based characters than actual sentient human beings, but no, this is the real dopey deal.

MTV producers did not have to stage any antics or coax any performances out of these always-animated, fist-pumping gorillas and perma-bronzed, high-heeled guidettes. Just watching them in their natural habitat, performing the ritual dances and aggressive mating habits is entertainment enough.

I grew up in Belmar and have witnessed the guido lifestyle from a safe distance, usually a block or two away. (“Guido” once a derogatory term used by the locals, has now been embraced by those who partake in the culture.) I lived on Tenth Ave. (the unofficial dividing line between year-rounds and rentals) and we had our fair share of rental properties crammed with these roid-enhanced interlopers from North Jersey and New York. Wiffle ball and Yankee caps all day, D’Jais and confrontations all night. Miller Lite $3 Bottles.

Oddly enough, out of all my years at the Jersey Shore (I still spend many weekends there in the Summer), I have only made verbal contact with the male species once or twice. The females wanted no part of a skinny Irish kid and I am pretty certain I have never spoken to one. The townies and the overly-tanned tourists rarely mixed, different bars, different beaches… very S. E. Hinton.

One time a giant guido grabbed me in the water and asked me to teach him and his buddies how to body surf. I obliged out of fear. An hour later only one of the three picked up the tricks and proper technique (I was amazed they were even buoyant), but they were having more fun busting each other’s balls in a very boisterous manner (read: generous amount of F-bombs) and not caring how silly they looked. I had a good time as well. They were funny guys.

Way back when, when I was always bothered by these overly-muscled miscreants,, I thought it would be fun to go to Mike’s Pizza around 4:00 am on Saturday with my friends and capture a real live guido (promised slices, a club and a large net) and then chain it up in a garage (think “38 Days Later” with the zombie captured by the evil army guys) and poke it with a stick for a while. Good clean fun. We’d release it back on to 17th and B Street the next morning. Safe in Sound, porkroll and cheese in its hand, cigarette too. Oh, and it would be tagged for later research… and maybe neutered.

My feelings have changed over the years and I have grown to enjoy them. Sure they can be a real pain in the ass — they aren’t the tidiest or quietest bunch and they can make a Sunday morning coffee run to Freedman’s or Belmar Bagels an aggravating adventure — but they keep to themselves for the most part, and the males usually only fight other males of their ilk. Usually.

Like most young people, they are just looking for some fun and a place to let loose. And dance. Their sweaty asses off. Belmar just happens to be their Shangri-La. Yay Belmar!

Sure they look ridiculous to the average “shore” person (especially the new orange-skinned breed with the Gotti Jr. haircuts, yikes!) but they make for great people watching and I will actually tune into the 24-hour horror show known as MTV for the first time in many years to gawk at the shenanigans and hum a few bars of “My Hometown” in honor.

(Thanks to fellow Belmartian Wave of The Present for the video link.)

See also:

Man Prefers Kiddie Pool Over Beach

From the Archive: Man Prefers Kiddie Pool Over Beach

Jeff — Sun, 06 Jul 2008 16:16:46 +0000

While we’re in the ER recuperating from firecracker wounds, enjoy this tale from a few summers back at the lovely Jersey Shore.

Belmar, NJ – As summer approaches, the denizens of the small NJ beach town of Belmar can look forward to the sights, sounds and smells of the season — hotdogs grilling on the barbeque, sunscreen #30 sticking to alabaster bodies and of course, loud drunks holding court in kiddie pools.

One drunk in particular, Louie Iadochico, a 27-year-old stockbroker trainee from Staten Island, spends the majority of his summer weekends sitting happily in his inflatable, 5-foot diameter kiddie pool.

Man Prefers Kiddie Pool Over Beach

Jeff — Sat, 28 Sep 2002 14:42:25 +0000

As summer approaches, the denizens of the small NJ beach town of Belmar can look forward to the sights, sounds and smells of the season — hot dogs grilling on the barbecue, sunscreen #30 sticking to alabaster bodies and of course, loud drunks holding court in kiddie pools.

This plastic oasis is positioned front and center on the lawn of the 10th avenue rental house he shares with thirteen other buddies. The three-bedroom house is only one block away from the beach, but the proximity is still not a big enough draw to make Louie leave the safe confines of his aquatic throne.

Pool Rules

“The pool effin rules!” Declares a visibly inebriated Louie sitting spread eagle in his pool. “Why drag my sexy ass down to the beach when I got everything I need right here. Can you drink beer on the beach? No. Can you smoke cigarettes on the beach? Not this year. Can you pee on the beach without getting up? No. Well I can do it all right here.”

Another favorite pastime of Louie and pals is making time with the ladies.

“By sitting in the pool all day, I get to see all the talent walk by on their way to the beach. When a hottie walks by I usually wink and say, ‘It’s all good!’ or ‘There’s room in here for two, baby.’ and I’ll offer them a beer. If some skanky ho walks by, I’ll just tell her, ‘Keep walking, ain’t nothing to see here.’ or something funny like that. It really cracks the guys up.”

Louie fills up his pool with fresh water every Friday afternoon when he arrives. By Saturday afternoon there is usually about eight beer cans and some soggy hamburger rolls accompanying him in the pool. There are also about 20 to 30 small stones.

“Louie usually passes out around three or four o’clock for a solid two hours,” relates amused housemate Anthony Mastrorilli. “That when me, Sal and Reilly put a bottle on Louie’s head and try to knock it off with these little rocks,” he says as he picks up a handful of stones from the driveway. “That fat bastard never wakes up. He’s out cold. It’s the only time he shuts the eff up.”

Annoyed Neighbors

Some of the neighbors are year-round residents and do not appreciate the unsavory sight of a large, hairy man basting in a kiddie pool and spewing profane language.

“Most of them are decent kids. They just play wiffleball for a good six to eight hours a day or put a TV on the lawn and watch the Mets game,” says Fred Tozzi, a Belmar resident who lives across the street from the rental property.

“A couple of them though have real potty mouths, especially the big fella in the pool. He never gets up. I think he’s disabled.”