Topics: Ghosts! Nothing but ghost stories, ghost debates, ghost hunting and a visit from a very very annoying ghost! Okay, some beard and cartoon talk too.

Guests: Michele Melcher, Brian Isserman & Paul Tergeist

Playlist: Street Dogs, Fanfarlo, The Head and The Heart, Dag Nasty

Play Now: http://www.usedwigs.com/pod/podcast81.mp3

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Watch: Video of The Show

Website: www.usedwigsradio.com

Originally posted October 27, 2007

My mom was pretty good at pulling together Halloween costumes for my brother and I when we were young. Even last minute, she could whip up a pretty sweet hobo outfit, replete with realistic bindles and burnt-cork five-o’clock shadows.

Once hoboed up, I couldn’t wait to go to the railroad tracks and warm my hands over a cozy garbage can with the real “bums” and watch them eat roasted squirrel and sharpen their stabbing sticks.

Mom also had a full-time job and one year she was just too wiped out to conjure up some creepy Halloween attire. So Team Lyons went to Plan B. And boy did Plan B. suck.

My dad swooped in and picked up a couple prepackaged gems from our local variety store (Schatzows 5 & 10, Belmar, NJ) on his way home from work. A tremendous amount of thought was not put into the purchase.

The costume box contained a semi-pliable mask (most certainly decorated with lead paint) and a chintzy, plastic smock that displayed the theme of the costume in an extremely low budget fashion.

My older brother chose first and was lucky enough to get the Vinnie Barbarino costume and he got to do his spot-on “What? Where? Why?” and “I’m so confused!” routine. Good stuff, D.J., good stuff.

Unfortunately, I got stuck with the frightfully afroed and mustachioed Mr. Kotter. Nice. Thanks Dad, the Kotter smock has all the Sweathog faces plastered on the front with their names to boot. That way I’ll never forget who’s who. Smart.

Quick question, wouldn’t it have been easier for the costume artist to design a simple tie and corduroy jacket ensemble instead of the painstaking work he poured into creating these incredible simulacrums?

An eight-year old dressed up as a schlubby, plastic-encased, middle-aged hack comic with absolutely no acting chops is not a pretty sight. I couldn’t even pull off the Kotter-doing-Groucho impression made famous by Mr. Kaplan, and every child my age could do that. I had nothing.

I wasn’t too motivated to go out in public and depress the neighbors, but I did, and let’s just say some serious tears spewed out of those little round eye holes as Sweathog-hating kids made fun of me while Barbarino was four houses up getting hi-fives and bagloads of Marathon bars.

After a few listless “Trick or Treats,” I plunked myself down on the curb and stuffed my fat cry-hole with some fun-sized goodness. Sure, Little Mr. Kotter was a wuss and acted more like a Horshack than a Boom Boom, but he knew next year would be different. Better! With the right pair of rainbow suspenders, striped shirt, lots of manic energy and a few well-placed “Shazbots,” he’d be back in business!

(Didn’t happen, hobo again.)

The website RetroCrush has posted the worst of these infamous, highly-flammable outfits including Chachi, Fat Albert, Space Ghost, GI Joe, the Care Bears and many more. Enjoy the painful memories.

Have any bad costume memories you want to share? Share here.

Website: www.retrocrush.com

Related News

• Halloween Costume Dos and Don’ts 2009

• Halloween Costume Dos and Don’ts 2008

I’m neck deep in “mid”s. Mid-aged me driving a mid-size rental car through mid-Michigan. Temperatures in the mid-50s. Mid-weekend (Sunday morning). Mid-October. You can just call me Middy.

Actually, call her Middy, because that’s her name. She’s the lead facialist at Soaring Eagle’s Casino & Resort. Like me, she’s in her mid-40s, but Father Time and Father Class – our two dads – have had very different ways with us. Class dictates the general outlines of our appearances, with an assist from Midwife Gender, who is a trickster!

I’m a well-preserved middle-aged man-child with an expensive haircut and all my hair, which is dyed orange. No wrinkles, reasonable shape, about 15 lbs overweight. Which looks like more on my diminutive 5´0˝ frame. I always wear the same navy blue suit, but I change the shirts and ties most days. The lack of outdoor work exposure is written all of over my smooth, age-defying face. The good men and women of Mount Pleasant all pause as I walk into the room, the main casino floor, and ask where to get my Pumpkin Facial.

*****

In the sanctuary of the spa, Middy is washing her hands and humming along with the traditional Native American drum music playing softly from two speakers in the corners.

She’s got the standard-issue Bo-Rics sensible haircut, a ladies’ brushcut, really; frosted fakely. Bride of Frankenmuth. She’s taller than me and about 40 lbs overweight, but who’s counting? Her frames were free with the eyeglass prescription. White Keds. Stretch pants. Halloween-motif sweater with baby ghosts, scarecrows, “cute” (not scary) witches, bunnies dressed up as goblins, candy pieces and pumpkins with devilish grins dancing all the way around Middy’s solid, midwestern mid-riff. Hard, chapped, farmeress hands, simple oxidized bronze wedding band growing into the flesh on her ring finger. She breathes audibly as she stands over the sink. Through her mouth.

Because people don’t breath through their noses in Michigan. It is too cold, your mucous membranes up there freeze and you can die of nose hemorrhages. Most of the first settlers died of nosebleeds in their sleep, they just bled out in their sleep. That is the reason the northern midwestern accent is so “nasally.” Noses are closed for business! Permanently. Like the Ford’s plant where Harv and Shirl worked until last spring.

Middy, who looks like she is in her 60s, even though her casino-issued name tag clearly states her full name (Marlidden K. Jakob) and age (43), lights a pumpkin spice candle with one of those lighters that looks like a tiny, slim DustBuster that spits flames.

“There, how’s that?” She is referring to the pumpkiny, spicy fumes. “Real good.”

As we exchange the traditional pleasantries, she takes out a large carving knife and begins to saw a hole in the top of the pie pumpkin in her hand. Those are the smaller kind of pumpkin, the ones you use to make pumpkin pie

She carves out the “lid” with its pumpkin seeds dangling in their stringy orange viscous pumpkin matter. Holding the lid by its stem handle, she begins rubbing those pumpkin guts all over my face and neck with brisk circular motions, and I feel sleepy and contented.

*****

I simply had to turn off the highway when I saw the blinking orange digital display advertising Pumpkin Facials at the casino. I had no choice. Because Halloween is very important to me, and so are my fading looks that I’m trying to keep. This is the ultimate way to get up close and personal with the season: En-pie-ing your face in pumpkin, letting the fruits of the pumpkin patch nourish you from the outside in. You are literally diving face-first into the spirit of autumn, letting it coat your face.

Middy is looming over me spackling my cheeks, forehead, and chins with the pumpkin meat. She piles it on like it’s going out of style. My head sinks deeper into the pillow under the sheer weight of this facial. As soon as she is done doing this – taking care not to get any in my eyes! – she carefully places a fresh jack-o-lantern over my head (the bottom has been carved out), making sure the eyeholes are in line with my eyes. Now it has to set for a while. I close my eyes.

To pass the time, she begins telling me a story.

*****

[Read Part 2 here...]

“Wolverine” – There’s nothing sadder at a party than watching a flabby guy in a white tank top with long scraggly sideburns and chopsticks taped to his knuckles trying to make time with the ladies.

“Teen Wolf Too” - Chicks love wolves, that’s a cold hard fact, but some like a little sensitivity with all that fur and fury. Channel your inner Bateman (not the inferior Alex P. Keaton version) and shoot for the moon!

Kate Gosselin – Bad hair, bad tan, surly… we get it. If you go with this expected get-up (I’m pretty sure they sell the Kate wig at CVS), you’ll be just one of many snarling multiple-moms glowering for attention. I know, getting your schlubby boyfriend to wear the Ed Hardy and the diamond studs sounds fun, but c’mon, Halloween is supposed to be scary fun, these reality clowns will just make it scary sad.

Michelle Duggar – Dressing up as this baby-pumping station is easy and fun. Momma Duggs has an atrocious multi-layered mullet sitting atop her god-fearing head. It looks sentient and on the attack (think Medusa) with the sinuous strands searching for fresh sperm to lasso in, keeping her brood of atomic super babies in fresh supply. Outfit? Think a more conservative Holly Hobby.

Bernie Madoff – I’ve seen the rubber mask, looks pretty realistic but fairly nondescript. Most people will think you’re dressed as their dentist. Okay, maybe wearing the old-timey prisons stripes may help, but still, hacky.

Bernie Kopell – Everyone, and I’m talking everyone loves the lascivious Doc from the Love Boat. Get your self a little sailor’s cap, some epaulets and start rubbing your private practice parts up against all the ladies on the Lido deck.

Mad Men – Lame. Lame. Lame. Quadruple lame! Listen, if you must do Mad Men, you and a friend could dress up as two gargantuan boobs stuffed into a slinky 60s-style dress and go as that curvy redhead.

Real Mad Men – Group costume? Go as a pack of real Mad Men: Charles Manson, Robert Mugabe, Chris Brown, Glenn Beck, Dr. Phil, Pol Pot? You pick. The ladies will eat this up, they love a bad mad boy.

Snuggie™ (The Original) Wearer – Snoozy.

Snuggie™ Wild Side™ Animal Print Wearer - Slutty!

Roller Girl Juno from “Whip It” – Cute idea, sure, but do you really want to wear a stupid helmet and roller skates all night, especially at a crowded 5th-floor walk-up party?

Sandra Bullock from “All About Steve” - Who doesn’t love a quirky chick with lots of spunk and craaaazzzy clothes! Am I right, people? Expect a lot of hugs.

Yo Gabba Gabba - Foofa, Brobee and the gang sure are cute (and DJ Lance is way cool), but the costumes will take a lot of work and it’s so hard gettin’ your drink on wearing a giant furry mask.

Twee Pop Band – Dress like Noah and The Whale or Vampire Weekend or some other silly children’s music band and you’ll look cuter than a muppet baby hugging a newborn chimp.

“Twilight” Vampire - Brooding teen? Sucky idea.

“The Little Vampire” – Lipnicki! Bloody good idea.

Guy Fieri – You’re fat, have dumb hair, a retro bowling shirt, and a penchant for saying, “That so money!” after biting into someone’s giant sanwich. That’s still no reason to dress up as this walking coronary.

Top Chef – Which one? Doesn’t matter. It’s just an excuse to get loaded (most of the cheftestants are serious winos). Get some of those fake sleeve tattoos, a white chefy coat and maybe a red neckerchief. So tasty!

Captain Lou Albano – Too soon, too soon.

Captain Sully Sullenberger - Hero! Hero! Hero!

Zombie Michael Jackson – Yes, MJ is dead (we think) and he is famous for playing a zombie in a video promoting an awful song, but let’s not besmirch this always-classy, upright citizen by dressing as his undead corpse… with an undead monkey or child as his sidekick. Show some respect.

Zombie Michael Jackson – Not the aforementioned performer, but the famed English beer and whisky expert who passed in 2007. Put on some musty old tweed, zombie make-up and knock back an insane amount of potent ale for some gravely bad beer breath. You’ll knock em dead.

“Ghost Hunters” – “Is that a ghost?!?” “Um, no.” Three hours pass. “Is that a ghost?” “No, of course it’s not…” Homely plumbers lurking in the dark never finding ghouls is not fun on a show and definitely won’t be at a party.

“House Hunters” - Walk around the party critiquing the crap out of everything, especially the too-small kitchen, lack of closet space and no his-and-her sinks in the master bath. Bonus points if you friend dresses as your realtor.

More Frightening News!

• Halloween Costume Dos and Don’ts 2008
• Bad Halloween Costumes of Yore

Don’t You Dare:

Juno – You think it will be so cute to go as the hoodie-wearing, quip-spewing pregnant teen and her dorky boyfriend in the calculated dorky retro gym outfit, right? So does every other couple on the planet. Avoid the urge.

Sarah Palin - Sarah the Hunter, Sarah the Pageant Contestant, Sarah the Porn Star, all lame… very, very lame. You’ll be swimming in a sea of Palins. Uck.

“Mad Men” character – “Yeah, look at me! I’m smoking… my hair is slicked back… my sweater’s tight… my lips are really red… and I really do work in advertising…” Ugh.  Soap opera + advertising people = insufferable.

Iron Man – Unless you’re under the age of 12 or can actually build a costume that can fly and blow shit up, don’t do it. Very hard to pee, also.

Elisabeth Hasselbeck – This is for your own safety. Someone might punch you… a few times.

The Joker – Inevitably, some joker (literally) will be dressed as the Batman nemesis carrying around some pills… too sad… too soon.

Travis Barker on Fire – Not sure how you’d even pull that off, so don’t. Fake paper flames are so weak.

Joe The Plumb… – Please don’t. He’s already forgotten.

Please Do:

“Hope” Poster – Support Obama while having fun. Apply “Hope” poster to poster board, cut out head hole, paint your face and hair red, off-white and blue then stick you melon through the hole.

“No Country for Old Men” Guy – Grab a jean jacket, put on a psychotic dead stare and get a wig that resembles the sweet long locks Javier Bardem sports in the film. Quietly threaten people all night long.

Brooke Hogan – Big guys only.

The Jonas Brothers - Petite ladies only.

David Duchovny - Easy one fellas: Dress like Mulder, look sullen and fashion a large erection in your pants. Hit on everyone.

Charlie Manuel – Everyone’s love the Phillie’s skipper! Just place a teeny-tiny Phillies cap (maybe, the ice cream cup version) on top of your large head of whitened hair (baby powder), jam a couple pillows in gut area of a tight baseball uniform, and insert piece of straw in mouth to hammer home the lovable southern boy motif. Expect lots of hugs.

Raffaello Follieri – Time to bust out your Italian accent and old-timey, striped prison outfit. Hold photo of Anne Hathaway so people get the joke right away.

“The Love Guru” -  Absolutely no one saw the movie, but don’t let that stop you. Bonus: you can revive your awesome Austin Powers accent too! Like I said, no one saw it and will know the difference.

Miley and Billy Ray - Make sure to maximize creep factor by sucking face the entire time at party.

Hans and Franz – This oldie-but-never-a-goodie is back! It’s so lame, it’s gotta be funny.

2009 List: Halloween Costume Dos and Don’ts 2009

Holy Sexy Mustard! Halloween is just around the corner ladies, so let’s be a something a little different this year. This gent has some wonderful ideas. Beware, langauge is a little salty. {thanks to Michele for this sexiness}