I’m talking about the weaving of big-name social networking sites into the plots on Law & Order (and its spinoffs such as Major Cases and Sexy Victims’ Units), made extra weird by the fake names the shows’ writers have come up with presumably to shield against legal action: The amusing “Facespace” (a kind of MySpace/Facebook hybrid) has recently changed to “Faceunion.” The same recent episode featured an iPhone app and website called “Anonymous Quickie” (obviously meant to stand in for Grindr, the GPS-based hookup tool that promiscuous gay future Sexy Victims use).* I’m waiting (on L&O or off) for an x-rated Facebook called Facef*ck.

Look, I don’t have a fancy writing degree from New York City’s prestigious Hudson University. And yet with my new storyblog I’ve had occasion to come up with some, dare I say, ingenious pseudonyms for many of the people, places, and things in my true stories. I went “à clé” to protect their identities, especially mobbed-up people I’ve known.

So I thought I’d quickly just try my hand at this, with some…

Pseudo-Names for Social Networking Sites:

• Foursquare: “Self-Stalker”
• MySpace: “FOXySpace”
• Meetup.com: “WeirdHobby.com”
• Plaxo: “NoThanxO”
• Friendster: “MeSoHornyMeLoveYouLongTimester”

More New Fake Names for Social Networking Sites, and Ideas for Plots Involving Them:

Flickr: “Pitchr”

Uniformed Officer: (bursting in to precinct, breathless) “That missing little girl in Far Rockaway… someone just tagged her in some vacation pictures on his Pitchr account! We gotta move on this!”

Lt. Van Buren: “Ugh, not again. I forgot my damn login for that site. I never use it anymore. Does anybody in here share photos with loved ones on Pitchr? Get over here and log in for us, will you? Goddamn websites are getting on my last nerve today.“

[OPENING CREDITS BEGIN, THEME MUSIC UNDER]

Twitter: “Pitter-Patter”

tweet: “patty-cake”

Det. Benson: “Captain, we’ve got a situation. A lady in the Bronx just patty-caked an S.O.S. to Pitter-Patter from her handheld! She is being attacked by a sex criminal. She asked her Pitter-Patter followers to contact SVU for her, and we’ve been getting dozens of frantic patty-cakes at @sexyvictims.”

Cap’n Cragen: “Followers? Is she a cult leader or something?”

Det. Benson: “No, but she is a top patty-caker. People hang on her every patty-cake. Excuse me, I have to go RP this post.”

Cap’n Cragen: (looking sadder than usual) “S.O.S. by SMS? Re-patty-caking? Liv, I don’t know if I can live in this world anymore. What ever happened to pens and papers?”

[OPENING CREDITS BEGIN, THEME MUSIC UNDER]

LinkedIn: “ChainedTogether”

Det. Eames: “So what are you telling us, professor? Somebody used ChainedTogether to find all their former colleagues from the bank where they worked, and then had bombs delivered to those people’s current places of employment? That’s just sick.”

Det. Goren: “I know. Whatever happened to just ‘going postal’ the old-fashioned way?”

Det. Eames: “Hey, remind me to go reject the ChainedTogether invitation Detective Munch over in SVU sent me last week. I don’t want to be chained up with him in any way, shape or form.”

Det. Goren: “You’re on ChainedTogether? So am I! Why haven’t we chained up yet?” (Det. Eames looks down at the floor.)

[OPENING CREDITS BEGIN, THEME MUSIC UNDER]

*I can’t remember what they were, but these shows have used other stand-in names for things like Craigslist and YouTube. Can anyone remember what they were?

Read more SM SHRAKE at You Wanna Know What? and The Shrake-tionary.

Well, Hello Dolly: Check out the new trailer for Joss Whedon’s Dollhouse below. The show, starring the lovely Eliza Dushku, has been retooled a bit and moved from the Fall schedule to February 2009, but it looks very promising. Come on, it’s from the geek god who brought you Buffy, Angel, Firefly and most recently Dr. Horrible. You know it’s going to be solid. Synopsis:

“In Dollhouse, Dushku plays a young woman named Echo, a member of a group of people known as “Actives” or “Dolls.” The Dolls have had their personalities wiped clean so they can be imprinted with any number of new personas, including memory, muscle memory, skills, and language, for different assignments. They’re then hired out for particular jobs, crimes, fantasies, and occasional good deeds.”

Staying on Top of Things: In case you need a little pick me up, these election result reminders should do the trick: www.isobamapresident.com and www.ismccainpresident.com.  [via Phil]  Want more (real) news about the Team Obama? Check this new site: change.gov.

Impressive Shots: The next President of the United States.

This Phone Rules! The Pomegranate destroys your silly, dated iPhone… and makes you want to head up north.

We Named the Little Guy “Clifford Peache”: “Keepers at Jiaozuo City Zoo have given an orphan monkey its own guard dog, because the other primates in the cage were bullying it.” More>

Beer Goggling: Phoenixville PA’s Iron Hill Brewery has a  Limited Release Triple Bock Bottle with 3-D Label for the Holidays!

Sad News for Fans of the Greatest Punk Band Ever… In Memoriam: Frank Navetta of the Descendents. Frank was an original member and guitarist for 6 years. He played on the “Ride the Wild/It’s a Hectic World” single and then recorded the Fat EP in 1981 and the classic Milo Goes to College in 1982. No cause of death mentioned. While happily delving back into all things Descendents this past week, I kept going back to their best record, 1985′s I Don’t Want to Grow Up. “Silly Girl,” “Can’t Go Back,” and “My World” are still just as killer today as they were many many moons ago.

In honor of Frank, here’s two of his best from the “College” record.

Download:

• Hope [MP3]
• Myage [MP3]

Off to a family wedding in a bit for an extra-long weekend of merriment, drinking and fist-fights (yes, it’s an Irish affair). So here are some delicious diversions for you as I bid farewell for now. Congrats Kath and Dave!

• “I have to go back and fix the economy!” David Letterman Busts McCain For Lying
• Pushy Parents: Won’t You Help Baby Sophie Walk?
• You’ll Never See UsedWigs Listed Here: 100 Nice and Beautiful Blog Designs
• There’s No Such Thing as Corinthian Leather! What’s In a Product Name? Why, Deception Of Course!
• Cartoon-based Learning: Subprime Mortgage Primer Online Comic {via BoingBoing}
• Get a Golden Ticket! Check out these cute videos promoting the new historic Fairmount Park location for Philly’s Please Touch Museum.
• Discover New Music You’ll Love: Jon Solomon’s latest radio show was quite fabulous.
• Illuminati Has Fetish: The Babes of Home Shopping, looking forward to his “Creepy Guys of Home Shopping” follow up.
• Android Power! iPhone beware! Here’s a peak at the new “Googlephone” (photo above, vid below) using Google’s open source technology.

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0ZHgZr3SXCA[/youtube]

This Oversized Phone with Scant Few Features is Not Just for Seniors!

Looking over my cell phone bill for February, I was not surprised to see I only made three calls, total. All calls were made to my local pizza place on a Friday, to facilitate picking up dinner on my way home from work.

Please note: I made the calls before I started driving. That’s how we do it here in Safetyville, Population: 1.

“Only three calls, Jeff!” you say incredulously. “Have you no friends? Have you no plans? Have you no uncomfortable moments alone in public where you must call someone, anyone, unnecessarily just to make yourself seem busy or important?”

True, plans and friends are at a minimum, but when I’m away from my desk and my computer, I need the buzzing, the ringing and the key-tapping to cease. That is why I don’t use my cell often or keep it on. I would love not to own one, but I realize my pizza procurement plan would take a hit if I went phoneless.

Luckily, I found the perfect fit for my neo-Luddite, never-busy, never-needed lifestyle in the pages of the latest AARP magazine or Readers Digest, or whatever I was reading in my in-laws bathroom.

The Jitterbug is a phone for seniors: big-ass buttons, barebones features and a complete lack of nonsense to interfere with making and receiving a call. It is the polar opposite of an iPhone and even the opposite of a budget throw-away celly used by your friendly neighborhood drug dealer.

No frills, no nonsense, affordable, this phone was perfect for me.

Despite my abundance of crow’s feet, bad knees and constant complaining, I am not a senior. But, I was pleased as punch to find out you do not have to be a senior to get in on this fabulous deal. I immediately ordered one.

Yes, this phone is not for most people, especially if you’re a Cingular/AT&T user. The Jitterbug does not have the special feature you’ve grown to love, the feature that connects you to the internet (and charges you!) every time you mistakenly hit the button you’d think would never ever do such a thing.

It also does not send you emails or phone messages with special offers like many of the providers out there. They all stink—their service and their phones—and I just wanted to free myself of their clutches. I’m glad I did.

Phone Frustration

The piece of shit phone I had prior to my Love Bug (I don’t call it that, I swear) would not simply let me make a call without three or four extraneous clicks. Grrrrr! I’d dial my number or choose it in my 9-clicks-to-get-to Phone Book and then have to hit the center button which would then give me a list of choices:

• Add to Address Book
• Edit Phone Number
• Change your Ringtone
• Add a Ringtone
• Create Your Own Ringtone
• Play a Game
• Watch a Fergie Video
• Fuck Your Mother
• Throw Phone against Wall
• Place Call
• Change Your Plan
• Add Minutes
• Take a Photo

I eventually did throw this piece of useless plastic against the wall. This may sound like I’m a complete idiot, but when I was done with a call and just wanted to “hang up,” the goddamn phone would not do so, no matter which button I pressed.

I actually resorted to turning my phone OFF to end a call. Yep, just like your grandma who unplugs her computer every time she is done using it, I would hit OFF because I could not end a simple call. I’m sure I got an excessive OFFing charge every time I did so too.

“Jeff, don’t you build websites and keep up with all things tech? How can you be so hapless?”

I am fairly techy, but to me, “phone” technology is the sleazy bottom rung of innovation, where good usability and user experience takes a backseat to the overt stealing of customers’ money with hidden fees, insane charges and inscrutable minute plans; all geared to trick you and sap you of your patience and willingness to fight back. If I only make 5 effing calls a month, why is $39.95 the cheapest effing plan I can buy?”

You Buggin’? I’m Buggin’!

Okay back to my new giant phone, which I love. It is made for old people and technophobes who are easily confused by the myriad functionality of today’s latest cell phones. So, the backwards-thinking engineers at Jitterbug HQ made the phone nice and simple to use, no tricks. It only has:

• Enormous Number Pad
• YES and NO Buttons
• ON/OFF Button
• UP and DOWN Scroller
• Big Soft Ear Cushion
• Bright Screen with Large Text.

No camera, no video, no texting, no taser, no bottle opener, just the basics. Oh, and a jarring jitterbug jingle that play loudly every time you turn it off and on. Want to change the tune? Sorry, not possible. A small concession, I can deal.

I got the “Graphite” model, a little slicker than the orthopedic white, wouldn’t you agree?

My phone number is also engraved in a large font right under the screen. This is sweet, because I had to tape a post-it with my number on the back of my old phone.

My new phone plan is $15/month for more minutes than I’ll use, and the unit cost about $150. It’s a very very large phone, a two-hander (think Gordon Gecko’s mobile phone in Wall Street), so that’s why it costs a bit more.

For people who want less buttons, there is also a Jitterbug “OneTouch.” It is easily the most dumbed-down piece of phone-tech out there. It gives the user only three options:

• Operator
• Tow
• 911

I guess after exhaustive research, they deemed these three choices the most popular things old people need in a phone.

• Operator – “Hello, operator, will it be chilly outside today?”
• Tow – “Hello, I’m upside down again in my car. Help me.”
• 911 – “Hello dear, does my friend Bernice have a phone? Can you put me through?”

The Jitterbug Forum and Customer Service

While I love the phone, the Jitterbug User Forum could use some work, or at least a few more users posting.

JITTERBUG USER FORUM – Total Post: 3 (since February 2007)

“Yoohoo… Is anybody there/? I can’t find my phone. Help. The kettle is whistling >& I’ll be right back oh dear.”

“Maddie, Connor, it’s Grandma! If you’re on the internet and see this please call me, I miss you.”

“Hi Ladies, what are you wearing?”

The customer service and online ordering are top-notch. You can call them and they will enter names and numbers in your phone book for you or you can do it online. You can also fax them over the info, which I found odd. I think if a person can’t handle a phone, faxing a document successfully might not be in his or her skill set.

The voice that guides you through your set up on the phone sounds just like a caring grandma who knows a thing or two about a thing or two. She goes nice and slowly, gives clear explanations and buys you gifts that don’t fit from JC Penny’s. She rules.

Functions

So, I basically can:

• Make a Call
• Receive a Call
• Check my Voicemail
• Successfully Hang Up

What else would a boy need?

I played with the iPhone for a bit and it was fun, but after ten minutes I was bored. It reminded me of work. It was just like using a computer, a very small, hard-to-navigate computer. I do enough fat-finger typing on my normal-sized keyboard, this was just silly.

I have a camera that takes great photos and video and is small enough to carry around in addition to my phone. Plus I don’t have to compromise on the quality of the photos. Yes, I can’t take stealthy, sneaky phone photos of hot, drunk chicks in bars doing slutty things while I pretend to talk. I’ll just have you send me your shots instead. Problem solved. Thanks.

“What no ring tones in your life, Jeff? How will you let people know your exquisite, indie musical taste if you can’t play crappy digitized versions of the songs on your phone?”

If you buy ring tones you are either an unsupervised teen girl or a complete ass.

“I like my exciting, always linked-in-to-the-grid lifestyle. Eat shit, loser. I definitely won’t DIGG this story.”

Alright, calm down. I know this Jitterbug lifestyle is not for everyone, but I sit in front of a computer for about 10+ hours a day and the last thing I need is to do when I’m out of office is check my email while I’m waiting to get my hair cut or taking a walk with my daughter. Or driving. I applaud my home state of New Jersey (and I don’t so that often) for going after you jerk-offs who text and talk while attempting to maneuver your vehicles. May your last text be:

“OMG… my spine just snapped in half… G2G”

So join me, people. Simplify your lives by saying no to expensive, complex cell phones and plans and say yes to a larger, easier life.

Addendum: Some (obviously envious) people have recently doubted my actual purchase of my kick-ass phone, so here’s some photographic proof:

My Jitterbug next to stylish UsedWigs brand vodka mug. (Yes, I may have exaggerated its size a tad.)

My Jitterbug next to my ugly mug. (Yes, It’s smaller than my nose.)

Jeff Lyons
Infotainment Reporter

More Good Stuff:

• Your St. Patrick’s Day To Do List
• Chelsea, Bring Me the Axe!
• The Most Irritating Names in Entertainment
• Woman ‘Working from Home’ Sends Strategically-Timed Emails, Fools No One
• Thanks NBC for Ruining a Great Song
• More Minor Milestones
• Much-Heralded Office Shower Becomes Less-Heralded Storage Area