From the Archives!

If you’re a “I wish I was young again” person like me and find yourself watching a lot of VH1 Classics, you may have noticed a few things about your favorite vids that were not so apparent when you first viewed them.

Back in the heyday of MTV some established rock acts made a genuine attempt to be innovative with their videos, trying to break the mold of chintzy special effects, testosterone-filled cliches and the perfunctory live performance. Striving to be completely different, some videos turned out, shall we say, just a bit gay. By “gay” of course, we mean every conceivable meaning of the word. Here are some gems:

“Rock Me Tonite” by Billy Squier

This classic clip is hands down the most flamboyantly fabulous rock video ever made. And easily the most hysterical. In addition to stroking on stage with a bunch of guys, Billy liked to wind down alone in cozy pink and white sherbet-colored PJs from the Richard Simmons collection. Once comfortable and feeling the need to express himself, the naughty little rock star snaps and prances and writhes around his fancy, silk-strewn bedroom, tossing off pouty glances and come-hither looks to you… and only you… the lucky viewer. Rock him tonite (sic), won’t you?

“Hot Rockin’” by Judas Priest

Four fifths of the band didn’t realize this was going to be incredibly gay. One fifth most certainly did. This low-budget video opens with a pack of pasty, leather-and-skin-clad Brits lifting tiny weights in a cramped gym. No argument, this is the most homo-erotic opening ten seconds ever filmed for a heavy metal video. What exactly is Rob Halford doing bobbing up and down? I don’t think the skinny chap has the strength to actually pull-off a push-up. Like every Priest video of the era, I loved it… and had no clue Rob was trying to tell us something, despite the not-so-subtle flames engulfing his feet and microphone in the final scene.

“Desert Moon” by Dennis DeYoung

This video should be called “Man Hugs.” The Styx’s frontman stars in this failed attempt at a macho, male bonding reunion. There’s just way too many guys embracing, high-fiving, leering and tackling (shirts-vs-skins football game) to be believable. To be fair, Henry Rollins, Danzig and the guys from GWAR couldn’t make this production look hetero. A brief moment showing Mr. Roboto pining away for a lost love (a woman) is not the least bit convincing. He’s back to the merry manly hijinx and back-slapping in no time.

“Dancing In The Dark” by Bruce Springsteen

After years of being a scrawny and smelly Jersey dirtbag, Bruce was extremely excited to show off his freshly-shaved mug and newly toned biceps. When chirping out a lightweight piece of pop fluff like this, The Boss knew a crisp white blouse with rolled-up sleeves, neatly tucked high into his tight, tight jeans would be the perfect outfit to sway back and forth uncomfortably and attract a whole new audience. Adding to the overall gay motif, the gal he brings up on stage (yes, I know it’s the Friends chick) has a boy’s haircut, boy’s clothes and resembles an even cuter Jake Gyllenhaal. And please don’t overlook clap-happy Clarence looking like a bouncer at a tranny bar.

Two rock legends have never — ever — come closer to a full-on make-out session on film than these two sprightly, dancing fools belting out a truly atrocious song. This silly, over-saturated video from 1985 gave fuel to the fire that the Rolling Stone front man and The Thin White Duke were bunk mates back in the day.

“Say Say Say” by Michael Jackson and Paul McCartney

I know, this is too easy. Anything with Jacko in it should rule out the word “unintentional,” but when Mac and Jack shave and apply make-up together, well, we just can’t leave this tender moment alone. Love seemed to be in the air between these pop stars and Linda could do nothing but helplessly watch the romance blossom (and look unsexy strumming a guitar). This otherwise charming and innocent video does contain some serious creepiness; I’m pretty sure the girl Jacko ogles unconvincingly throughout the video is actually his putty-faced sister La Toya. Ick!

“Lick It Up Video” by Kiss

When you get past the costumes, the bravado and the fire-spewing theatrics, and just listen to the music, I mean really listen to the music; you’ll realize one thing… “Man, Kiss sucked!” That’s beside the point. I think this was one of the first videos these jokers did without their theater makeup, (who knows, who cares), but the amount of Mary Kay cosmetics they cake on in its place is visually stunning. Check out the generously applied blush on Paul Stanley’s cheek. Cease typing your angry emails Kiss Army members, we know the boys and especially Gene are 100% lady-loving sex machines, he’s made a career of telling all about his conquests. What a dork. This video is more of a fashion show catwalk, with the boys ignoring the fawning girls and proudly stating, “Look at our outfits, behold our pretty scarves!” You know when kids say, “Man that is so gay!” That’s exactly the kind of gay we’re talkin’ about here.

“Kokomo” by Beach Boys

“Hey Beach Boys, wanna do a song for a movie starring that macho hunk Tom Cruise?”

“You Bet!”

“Great, you’ll love it! It’s about bars and drinking and chicks…”

“Tubular! We’re so stoked!”

Fast forward two months… Mike Love tucking his unbuttoned shirt into his high-pocket slacks, John Stamos wearing a pink tank top gentle tapping some silly bongos and the ambiguously gay Tom Cruise preparing mass quantities of girly drinks made darn sure this classic video is forever filed under “Super Gay!” And no, the bikini-clad chicks running and bouncing down the beach does not make it any less gay.

“Good Vibrations” by Marky Mark

We get it Marky, you work out… a lot… with home-made weights. (What, you couldn’t find a Bowflex in Boston?) Many male artists have gone shirtless in videos and that’s cool, because most of them are pale, flabby messes (Ozzy) or drugged-out, heroin skinny flyweights (that jailbird from STP) and it’s a hoot to watch. But when you go shirtless and you are built like a brick shithouse, well that’s just gay (read: very intimidating to hetero guys). Let’s recap: Musicians who work out and flaunt it: very gay. Musicians who abuse their bodies and flaunt it: very guy.

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