But they don’t actually laugh at what I said.

“But Scott, what if maybe you’re just not funny?” No maybes: I know I’m not. So don’t say I am. Unless you can back it up with some laughter, coming from your body.

Befitting a tight little club, they laugh at each other’s stuff, of course, behind closed doors, literally. I found that out when I was standing right by the stage at the show headlined by Sarah Silverman recently in D.C. (see accompanying awesome phone-cam shot proving I was there).

It was actually amazingly raucous laughter, coming from a little room just offstage in which the performers who were waiting to go on were watching a live feed of the performer currently onstage, the kind of laughter that makes you laugh yourself, just based on how crazy it is. They were cracking each other’s shit up.

It was kind of endearing. I wish I had some kind of camaraderie like that with someones.

Another trait I’ve noticed is that stand-up guys and gals never don’t talk like stand-up comedians when they’re in public. Three or four of them in the back seat of the cab, talking among themselves, but always one at a time, no interrupting. Nothing normal-persony about their cadences: Not, in a casual tone of voice, “Hey, should we stop at this 7-11?” Instead, in a Carnegie Hall-filling voice to shame Ethel Merman, “How about these convenience stores in D.C., huh? [Insert topical local-oriented joke here, then riff a little]… AM I RIGHT?”

Stand-up and stand-up backlash are such old news now. I’m not gonna get into it. The debate happened, and like acid rain, the Heenes, what to do about nuclear waste, and other controversies, it faded away while you weren’t looking. Accept it: Stand-up is here to stay. It will never sit down.

I took my friend to the Silverman show with me, even though he assured me that he doesn’t like (“I hate”) stand-up comedy. I guess he didn’t get the memo about the end of stand-up backlash.

He explained that he gets bored with the inexorable twin topics of “shit/sex.”

He stood behind and just to the right of me during the show whispering, “See? That one was about sex. … See? That one was about shit. Sex. Shit. Sex. Shit.”

As we watched, I was laughing regularly at the jokes, it was A-game time for all but one of the comics, and it felt good to laugh after so much death and heartache, but I had to admit my friend was right.

I guess poop and poppers are the things that make us humans most uncomfortable, so they are the surest bids for laughs. And that’s why a few stand-up stand-ups, such as Jim Gaffigan, never go blue. They pride themselves on not having to. It takes infinitely more effort not to throw F-bombs (whether it be f*ck or f*art).

I tried something similar to stand-up recently, just to see how much stage fright I have. Telling stories, onstage, to an audience. Man, the extent to which I thought I would “kill” (this is showbiz speak for getting lots of laughs and being a big hit) and the amount of non-killing I did were distressingly the same! I marvel at the huge drop from the killfest I had imagined so clearly to the supremely disappointing reality!

In my mind I would own the room free and clear, everyone falling in love with me as I reluctantly leave the stage in a crush of jubilant applause. The reality was a reedy-voiced, nervous little overweight person blinded by the lights, a stranger to the use of a microphone, rushing through his story and so grateful to leave the stage it was ridiculous.

Turns out it’s harder than it looks!

I’ll get up there again soon, because I am a performer through and through, albeit it one with crippling stage fright. But something else is worrying me. I think I lack the requisite hunger for mass approval and the necessary openness bordering on exhibitionism.

I think I really truly generally don’t like “people” and you know what audiences are made up of? People… Audiences are full of them. It’s going to be a problem.

Read more SM SHRAKE at You Wanna Know What? and The Shrake-tionary.

Headlines ripped from the pages of our book Quality Workday Distractions, available now for gift giving! Voted “Best Gift Ever” by this site.

• Inventor Kid Invents Useless Piece of Crap!
• Disturbing Hidden Camera Footage Reveals Local Health Club Still Playing Fabulous Thunderbirds Videos!
• Cancer Awareness Bracelets Found to Cause Cancer!
• ‘Real World’ Cast Member Dies During ‘Gauntlet’ Event, Doctor Determines Cause of Death to Be Old Age!
• $400 in Singles Later, Man Still Thinks He Has a Pretty Good Shot with Stripper!
• NBC’s Dateline Catches Last Predator, Internet Now Completely Safe!
• 99% of Indians Polled Find Gay Cowboy Movie Very Realistic!
• Rogue Second Life Avatar Creates Third Life, Where He Plays a Bald, Overweight Accountant with 3 Kids!
• Trader Joe’s Employee Goes from ‘Very Friendly’ to ‘Very Irritating’ in a Matter of Seconds!
• Rabid Sports Fan Hits Rock Bottom, Joins Fantasy Paintball League!
• Kevin Costner and a Really Bad Premise Team Up Once Again for New Movie!
• Rick James’ Ghost Assaults Two Women; Smokes Crack!
• ‘Are You Fatter Than a Fifth Grader?’ Gets Green Light on FOX!
• Ironic T-Shirts Clash at SXSW Festival, Thousands of Feelings Reported Hurt!
• NYC Rats Consider Stomach Stapling to Deal with Rising Obesity Problem!
• Thousands of Viewers Reported Sick After ‘The View’ Goes High Def!
• Forensic Experts Reveal Footprints Were Not God’s; You Were in Fact, Walking Alone during Your Most Troublesome Times!
• Jim Belushi Searches Fruitlessly Online for ‘According to Jim’ Save Our Show Campaign!
• Microsoft Employees Brace for Severe Backlash from Their Disappointed Kids Upon Receipt of Zunes Instead of iPods on Christmas Morning!
• Misplaced Script Found in Martin Scorsese’s Eyebrows 20 Years Later!
• Hulk Hogan’s Daughter Tests Positive for Gamma Radiation!
• Madonna Adopts Child in Africa, Buys Matching Luggage in Paris!
• Paula Deen Caught Eating an Entire Stick of Butter While Filming Cooking Show!
• Traffic Copter Crashes to Earth, Fiery Carnage Causes Eastbound Delays!
• After Years of Living a Lie, Lead Singer of Toto Admits He’s Never Really Been to Africa!
• Despite Numerous Requests, Il Divo Still Refuses to Sing “Whip It” in Concert!
• Child Lost When Mother Over-Mulches Garden Bed, Massive Search Continues!
• Suge Knight ‘Punk’d’ Episode Goes Horribly Wrong; Cast and Crew Found Dead!

Remember, comedian Jim Gaffigan says, “UsedWigs.com is like the bacon of the internet. Mmm. UsedWigs.”

Price: $10.95

Buy Here: Amazon

Norm MacDonald kills on Conan O’Brien with his “vintage” jokes shtick. Love it. Jim Gaffigan and Neko Case also appear.

John Krasinski busts outs of his Jim Halpert persona playing 100% against type as a marauding, tattooed, ex-con thief hell bent on avenging the brutal murder of… no wait… he’s playing Halpert again, but this time with an indie-guy beard and glasses. Way to go, Strecth.

He’s paired with the cute but droopy Maya Rudolph as a slacker couple traveling across this great land of ours looking for a place to lay down roots and raise their hipster-to-be child.  (“Honey, where’s the Ramones onesie I just bought him? We’re going to the swap meet.”)

The film was directed by Sam Mendes (“American Beauty”) — the healthy dose of beautifully-lit, wordless, wide-angle epic shots of the couple in ordinary situations might have tipped you off  — and it’s based on an original screenplay by Dave Eggers and his wife, Vendela Vida (maybe just a tad autobiographical).

This is not my cup of herbal tea, but it looks cute enough if they can keep the quirk factor in check and it will be a nice diversion from all the noise and nonsense exploding at your cineplex this summer. I suspect the soundtrack will be pushed hard (“Make is sound like “Juno” dammit!) and filled with some old gentle hippie gems, the requisite Brooklyn-type beardo bands, a Bonnie “Price” Billy or two and a Feist-like figure for that empowered feminine edge. I can’t wait to not hear it.

Bonus: Jim Gaffigan is in it. That will push to the tippy top of my Netflix queue.

Release Date: June 5, 2009

We’re all a little tired of bacon on the Internet, right? Not the actual edible pig product, I’m talking about the sizzling cyber kind. Put bacon on your homepage! Send bacon in an email! Friend bacon on Facebook! Try our new bacon-flavored sex toy! I think we all need a break from the overcooked bacon humor.

That said, no one has been a better advocate or speaks more eloquently on the power of the sliced pig than comedian Jim Gaffigan, so he gets a pass. Also, the wonderfully funny website www.ilovebacon.com gets a pass. This site has been around forever and pretty much started the whole photo FAIL phenomenon (just without the word “FAIL” plastered on the photos).

Full disclosure, I don’t eat the meat but the kind, generous and stunningly handsome Mr. Gaffigan  mentioned it in a spot-on review of a certain book,  so it holds a special place in my heart (just not clogging it):

“UsedWigs.com is like the bacon of the internet. Mmm. UsedWigs.”
Comedian Jim Gaffigan

More: KING BABY Premieres March 29th @ 9pm on Comedy Central!

Interview: Jim chats with UsedWigs Radio

Photos: Actor Jeff Bridges is pretty handy with a camera, here’s a cool collection of behind-the-scenes photos from the “Iron Man” movie. I like the shot with Mrs. Coldplay on the cell phone. She’s so very busy.   [via metafilter]

Boo! The 10 Worst Corporations of 2008

Boo: Part 2! I don’t read Paste magazine (sorry, I know you all do), and based on their #1 of 2008, I won’t start now. I could see if this was “Parade” magazine’s list. I’ve had my fill of overly-precious indie rock and the ephemeral hype that surrounds it.  I miss Punk Planet.

Speaking of zines, I know it’s silly to bust on a lame old rag like Rolling Stone, but they have really just completely stopped trying.

Retail Me Not: This coupon code website just saved me $12 on an online order. Hooray for saving money by doing very little work!

Good Christmas Music! WOXY Holiday Mixer is back and more joyful and triumphant than ever! And don’t forget our list:  Favorite Modern Holiday/Christmas Songs.

WTF: The Foo Fighters appear on tonight’s Top Chef.

Today’s Great Gift Idea: Kurt Halsey’s 2009 Wall Calendar

Holy Headshot! Comedian Patrick Borelli has a fun new book and an interview in the NY Times. What’s the book about, you ask?

Holy Headshot is an amazing collection of the funniest, strangest, most captivating performers’ headshots and resumes you have ever seen.

New Bio: The Vacant Stare of an Overwhelmed Woman with Very Little to Say

For The Ladies: Jim Gaffigan is on his Sexy Tour.

Yes, It’s Now Safe to Look Back and Laugh: The Daily Show’s Very Best of Sarah Palin

Topics: Look Back at Podcast #1 (Good Lord!), Devo, Jim Gaffigan, Bad Concert Fans, Old Man Heckler and Rap Ringtones. Interview: Tomato from Sound of Urchin. Playlist: Sound of Urchin, Computer vs. Banjo, The Long Winters and The Okmoniks.

Preview: “Um, wait, is this gonna be like the real deal or…”

Play Now: http://www.usedwigs.com/pod/podcast50_part1.mp3

Subscribe: iTunes

Website: www.usedwigsradio.com